Debbie*, 38, once imagined a fairytale marriage with a wealthy, caring man who would love her and her children. She found much of what she wanted in her husband, but motherhood and postpartum depression have complicated the life she envisioned. 

In this week’s Marriage Diaries, she reflects on marriage, motherhood and the ambitions she’s still trying to reclaim.

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I always knew the kind of man I wanted to marry

I had a clear picture of marriage from secondary school. I imagined a fairytale with a tall, wealthy, caring man who would love me and my children. I was so particular that I didn’t entertain boys in secondary school or during my first few years at university. Some close male friends wanted to date me, but none matched the picture in my head.

As I got older, I became more realistic about certain things. I understood that I probably wouldn’t find a perfect man, especially when it came to looks. But I still wanted someone who was financially comfortable. My mates in secondary school and university were struggling just like me, so I didn’t see the point of getting into a relationship with someone who couldn’t offer some level of stability.

I met my husband in my final year of university, in 2016. He wasn’t as tall as I had imagined, but in many other ways, he felt like an answered prayer. We’ve been married for almost 10 years, and I would say our marriage is about 80% of what I imagined. We’re comfortable, my husband takes good care of me and the children, and life has been good to us.

Having a good marriage doesn’t mean I’m always happy

When you don’t have the things you want, it’s easy to imagine that getting them will make you completely satisfied. But sometimes, even after you get them, you still feel like something is missing somewhere. That’s how I sometimes feel about my marriage.

By all means, I have a good marriage and a home I’m thankful for. My husband is loving and supportive, and we’re comfortable. But there are still moments when I feel unhappy, and I don’t always know how to explain it. From the outside, my life looks almost perfect, so talking about what troubles me can feel difficult.

Sometimes, I even feel guilty for having those feelings. You hear about people dealing with terrible marriages or struggling to get by, and you know that isn’t your situation. It makes you question whether you have any right to complain. I’ve had to understand that being grateful for my marriage doesn’t mean I have to pretend that everything in my life is fulfilling.

That distinction became particularly important after the birth of our second child. Until then, I had experienced the usual challenges of building a life with someone, but I hadn’t faced anything that made me question whether I could continue in the marriage. The period that followed childbirth changed that.

After my second child, I wondered if I could remain in my marriage

I had support after giving birth, but still struggled with postpartum depression. I had no energy to care for myself, and couldn’t give my best to my first child or my husband. My husband stood by me throughout that period. Thank God for him, because I know not every man would have been as patient.

However, his support didn’t stop me from feeling guilty. I kept thinking about how much he was doing and how little I could give in return. I began to see myself as a bad wife to a man who was only trying to make sure I was okay. There were times I wanted to tell him to let me pack my things and leave.

I couldn’t tell whether those thoughts came from the depression or reflected how I genuinely felt. Eventually, I opened up to a close friend, and that helped me gradually come out of that phase. It was frightening to realise I’d reached a point where I was questioning whether I could continue in my marriage.

The early years can feel easier because you’re still adjusting to life together and enjoying the excitement of building something new. As responsibilities increase, you encounter different versions of yourself and your partner. You have to ask whether you still have the capacity to keep going. Loving someone doesn’t mean you’ll never struggle with the marriage itself.

Having children changed what I understood about being a wife

Before we had children, it was just my husband and me. Those were probably the simplest years of our marriage. Once the children arrived, I began to understand how difficult it could be to manage motherhood while making room for my relationship.

Even with a supportive husband, motherhood comes with physical, emotional and sometimes spiritual demands that can leave you overwhelmed. I had to find ways to keep our household running without losing myself.

At some point, my husband told me he felt unloved and unwanted. That broke my heart. I never wanted a man who gave so much to me to feel that way. He hadn’t planned to bring it up because he didn’t want to hurt me or seem ungrateful. I had to push him to explain what was wrong.

I knew I was overwhelmed, but I also had to recognise that my husband felt the effects. I couldn’t let raising our children make me forget that my partner needed affection and attention too. The children will eventually grow up and leave home. I don’t want us to look back and realise we’d spent so much time being parents that we’d neglected our relationship.

Somewhere along the way, I lost sight of my career ambitions

Balancing marriage and motherhood has made me think about the woman I was before having children. I used to be career-driven. I remember insisting that no man would make me a housewife. But it’s easier to be certain about the life you want before you’ve experienced circumstances that might change it.

I took a break from work during my first pregnancy because it was complicated. Even a year after giving birth, my body wasn’t ready for me to return. I knew taking on a job while being a first-time mother would be too much. Thankfully, my husband never pressured me. He encouraged me to take the time I needed.

I kept telling myself I’d eventually return to work. Then our second child arrived, and I struggled with postpartum depression. I stayed home, and the woman who had been eager to build a corporate career began to feel like a distant version of me.

My husband has never stood in the way of my ambitions. He wants me to pursue my dreams. Sometimes, I feel I’m the one holding myself back. Raising our children has taken more out of me than I expected. I wonder whether I’ve become too comfortable or whether stepping outside my comfort zone feels difficult.

People with more knowledge and experience have helped me understand that this could be a phase. I’m learning that motherhood is a job in itself, and I shouldn’t feel guilty about staying home to raise my children instead of pursuing a corporate career. I’m still working out what I want the next version of my life to look like.

I would tell my younger self not to rush into marriage or motherhood

Looking back, I wish I’d given myself more time before getting married. I also wish I’d waited a little longer before having children. Those years could have given me more room to pursue my dreams and build a stronger foundation for the life I wanted.

I don’t regret my marriage or my children. But motherhood changes so much that women should understand how much of their lives it can demand. You can have a loving husband, a comfortable home and support, yet still struggle to find time and energy for yourself. I’d tell my younger self to take her time and not feel pressured to follow a particular timeline.

I still believe love is enough to sustain a marriage. But love is a big umbrella that holds patience, kindness, understanding and trust. Without those things, love might still exist, but whether it’s enough to sustain a marriage is another conversation.

I’ve been blessed with a marriage in which I feel genuinely loved. My husband has stood by me through some of my most difficult moments, and I don’t take that for granted. That’s why you’ll always hear me singing the praises of love. To me, love comes first. It’s everything.

 *Names have been changed to protect the identity of the subjects.

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