Before marriage, Shamsudeen* (43) wasn’t exactly thinking about settling down. He was living fast, dating freely and enjoying the kind of independence that worried his mother deeply. When he eventually got married in his early 30s, it felt less like a personal milestone and more like the next box to tick.

In this week’s Marriage Diaries, he reflects on marrying without much thought, navigating responsibility, feeling unappreciated as a provider, and realising that love alone doesn’t always carry a marriage.

This is a look into Shamsudeen’s marriage diary.

I didn’t marry because I was ready

Before I got married, I didn’t sit down and imagine what marriage would be like. I was a very wild young man. I enjoyed my freedom, moved from party to party and dated a lot. At that time, marriage felt very far from my reality. I wasn’t thinking about building a home or raising children; I was just living.

My mum, on the other hand, was constantly worried. She felt like I was heading nowhere serious. At some point, she even took my matter to a prophetess. She was afraid I would never settle down and that I would just keep moving from woman to woman and eventually make mistakes that couldn’t be undone. The prophetess told her not to worry, that I would eventually marry one woman and have my children with her. That conversation stayed with my mum.

When I finally got married about five years later, it didn’t feel like something I had carefully planned or deeply desired at the time. It felt more like I was doing what was expected of me. I loved my wife and wanted to be with her, but marriage itself felt like a formality. If it were entirely up to me, we would have continued as boyfriend and girlfriend for much longer. I didn’t feel any urgency. Marriage just felt like the next step people take, not something I had emotionally prepared for.

Marriage showed me how much people can change

One of the biggest surprises in marriage has been seeing how much a person can change over time. I thought I knew my wife completely before we got married. We had been together, spent time together and built a relationship. But marriage exposed me to many versions of her.

There was a time she doted on me deeply and treated me with so much care. There was also a phase when she was extremely jealous and didn’t like me being around other women, not even colleagues. Then children came, and that changed things again. Her attention shifted almost entirely to the kids, and she became more irritable and less emotionally available to me.

I don’t think I’ve changed that much in comparison. I understand that people grow and evolve, and I don’t expect anyone to remain the same forever. But sometimes, it’s tiring trying to understand which version of your partner you’re dealing with at any given time. It can make you feel like you’re constantly adjusting while trying to keep the peace.

Responsibility can feel suffocating sometimes

There have been many moments when I questioned if I was truly prepared for marriage. Sometimes, I sit quietly and think about how much lighter life would be if I didn’t have to worry about school fees, rent and daily expenses for other people.

It’s not that I’ve ever failed in my responsibilities. I always find a way to provide. But the weight of knowing that these responsibilities are constant can feel heavy. You don’t get a break from being the provider. You don’t get to pause.

There are days when I remind myself that I’m already neck-deep in it and there’s no turning back. People depend on me, and I can’t afford to let them down. When it becomes overwhelming, I step away mentally. I spend time with friends or pray. Those moments help me breathe and remind myself that this is the life I’m living now.

No one prepares men for feeling unappreciated

One thing no one warned me about marriage is how invisible your effort can feel as a man. Because you’re expected to be strong and responsible, people rarely acknowledge how much you carry.

There’s an assumption that because you’re the man, you should just keep providing without complaint. Sometimes, it feels like no one stops to ask how you’re coping or whether you’re tired. There have been arguments where I told my wife, “Can you at least pity me?” She didn’t like hearing that. To her, it sounded like I was saying I couldn’t handle my responsibilities.

That’s not what I meant. I can handle them. I just believe that appreciation matters. A small acknowledgement can motivate a man to keep going. My children are still young, so I don’t expect that from them. But from my wife, I feel like she should understand the importance of encouragement.

She believes that praising a man too much can make him relax and stop pushing himself. Maybe she’s not entirely wrong. But I still think there should be a balance.

Money fights never really end

Most of our serious arguments happen around school resumption periods. My wife always prefers new things for the children. New bags, new lunch packs, new supplies. Even when the old ones can still be used.

When she contributes financially, she expects me to refund her. That’s where the tension usually starts. I prefer managing resources carefully during that season. I focus on the big responsibilities like rent and school fees, and try to cut down on unnecessary spending.

She sees it differently. To her, it’s my duty to handle everything without complaint. When I stand my ground and refuse to refund her, it turns into a bigger issue. I ask her if it means she can’t support the family financially when things are tight, or if everything must always fall on me.

We haven’t found a real solution yet. Even this year, the same argument came up again. Emotions always run high, and eventually, we move on until the next school term reminds us.

Love matters, but it’s not enough

If I could go back, I would tell my unmarried self not to rush into marriage. Not to get married just to satisfy pressure or make other people happy. When I see young men rushing into marriage now, I often wonder why they’re in such a hurry. Everyone eventually learns in their own time.

As for love, I don’t think it’s enough on its own. Love is important, but there are moments when you question your feelings and even question if your partner truly loves you. In those moments, it’s kindness, care and communication that guide you back to each other.

Without those things, love struggles to survive. Marriage needs more than affection. It needs understanding, patience and the willingness to see your partner, even when things are hard.

 *Names have been changed to protect the identity of the subjects.

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