Gbenga* (34) thought marrying a woman who loved him beyond money meant he had escaped his father’s mistakes. But three years in, he’s realising his marriage has its own surprises, including a wife who manages their home with an iron grip, right down to the food on his plate.
In this week’s Marriage Diaries, he talks about learning to love past suspicion, the shock of a wife who now rations his meals, and what it means to feel starved in the very home you provide for.
This is a look into his marriage diary.
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My father’s loneliness taught me the kind of marriage I didn’t want
Before I ever imagined what I wanted from marriage, I was sure about what I didn’t want. My father was lonely for most of his adult life, and I grew up determined not to end up like that. My parents separated when I was a child. My mum remarried and moved to another country, leaving me and my siblings with my dad.
He never brought women home or dated anyone seriously afterwards. His whole life revolved around providing for us. He did it well, but it came at the cost of companionship. Watching him live like that made me afraid of ending up with a partner who’d leave me, too.
Later, as I got older, I pieced the story together: money was the big crack in their marriage. My dad met my mum when he was doing well financially. But a few years in, his fortunes turned, and she left. That scar shaped how I approached relationships. I didn’t want a marriage where my partner was only with me for money.
That’s why, even when I had money, I downplayed it. I didn’t want to attract someone who loved my wallet instead of me. Looking back now, I see how deeply my dad’s story infused my own life.
My mindset about money made dating rough
My dad’s experience wasn’t the only influence. Movies and books also shaped how I saw marriage. Yoruba films, for instance, often portrayed husbands as superior and wives as subservient. Nollywood was full of cheating, scheming, and “bad marriages.” I hated those portrayals but didn’t yet have a picture of what I wanted. My only plan was to create my own template with my partner; a marriage defined by us, not society.
But while I wanted that freedom, my mindset about women and money made dating difficult. In university, I always assumed girls were after what I had. One girlfriend in 200 level taught me a painful lesson about my paranoia.
We’d only been dating for two months when her birthday came up. The timing felt “too convenient.” I convinced myself she was one of those girls who lined up boyfriends before their birthdays just to cash out. Instead of celebrating her, I launched an investigation. I asked mutual friends about her birthday the previous year, and when the dates matched what she’d told me, I still wasn’t satisfied.
She eventually found out what I was doing and was furious. I should’ve at least gone all out for her birthday to make up for the suspicion, but I didn’t. In my head, I still felt her timing was suspicious. She broke up with me soon after.
Even though I was wrong, a part of me still felt vindicated. To me, her leaving confirmed that I was right about women wanting men only for what they could provide. That mindset stayed with me for years and made me avoid relationships altogether.
Meeting my wife shifted everything I believed about love and giving
I met my wife in my final year of uni, when I’d matured a little and softened towards women. For the first time, I convinced myself that maybe not every girl was out for my money. She helped me prove it.
Back then, she was the one buying me things. I had to play catch up, and sometimes I couldn’t. But what surprised me most was how fine she was with just our company. She didn’t need big gestures, and when we didn’t have money, she didn’t make me feel like I was failing.
We dated for six years before marrying, and those years changed me. She ticked every box I thought I’d never find in a woman: caring, patient, and genuinely uninterested in what I had materially. Now, married for three years, I often look at her and feel lucky that I didn’t let my suspicions rob me of this life.
I didn’t expect her to change so much after marriage
No one told me how much people can change once you’re living together. I thought six years of dating meant I knew everything about my wife. I was wrong.
Before marriage, she was always the generous one, buying me gifts, spoiling me, never worrying too much about resources. But after we got married, she transformed into someone I didn’t recognise: strict, guarded, and obsessed with managing the household.
At first, I thought it was random, until I lost my job last year. That period shook her. She panicked about rent, food, and school fees for our son. No matter how much I reassured her that I had savings, she couldn’t relax. She’d grown up with scarcity and was determined never to let that happen in her home.
I understood it then, but she continued even after I found another job. She monitored what I ate, how much I spent — even though it was my money — and enforced rules about saving. It was like she’d become the manager of the household instead of the carefree girlfriend I once knew.
It shocked me at first, but now I see it as part of who she is: someone responding to her past trauma. I’ve learned to be patient with her and not pick fights, even when it feels stifling.
A fight over food taught me patience and perspective
One of our worst arguments happened in the kitchen. She’d made turkey, which we hadn’t eaten in a long while. I got only one piece on my plate, which didn’t satisfy me. I went back for more, heaping rice and two more pieces.
She walked in and tried to take my plate, saying she was rationing so it wouldn’t finish too quickly. I pulled it away, and she pulled back. Next thing, we were shouting at each other, me insisting she couldn’t starve me in my own house when I was providing for everything. She cried that night.
The next morning, after prayers, we talked. She explained that she wasn’t trying to starve me; she was trying to make sure things lasted. That conversation made me realise her behaviour wasn’t random stinginess, it was rooted in the fear of lack she’d experienced as a teenager, triggered again by my job loss.
Since then, I’ve tried to be more patient and correct her gently, not escalate things. It’s helped me see that marriage is as much about managing each other’s traumas as it is about enjoying the good times.
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I still believe love is enough to hold a marriage together
One thing hasn’t changed through all this: my belief in love as the core of marriage. People say love isn’t enough, but respect, communication, and money matter more. I agree they matter, but I still believe love is the glue that ties everything together.
Nobody goes into marriage without love. And when the other things fail — when communication breaks down, respect is shaky, and money is tight — love pushes you to try again. It’s the force that makes you stay, compromise, and forgive.
In my eyes, love can even be the only thing you have for a while and still keep things afloat. That’s how powerful it is. I know not everyone will agree, but for me, love is enough.
*Names have been changed to protect the identity of the subjects.
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