Lade* (38) always imagined marriage as something joyful. Growing up in a large, tightly knit family filled with aunties, uncles and cousins, he looked forward to the day he’d build the same kind of home for himself. More than five years into his marriage, he says that dream mostly came true. But losing his mum and growing unexpectedly close to his mother-in-law created tensions he didn’t see coming.

This is a look into his marriage diary.

I grew up looking forward to marriage

I loved the idea of marriage from a young age, and I think that came from the kind of family I grew up in.

My mum had six siblings, and they were very close. Whenever we had family gatherings, the house would be packed with aunties, uncles and cousins. It was always lively and beautiful to see. The adults had their own side, we the children had our own side, and everyone was just enjoying themselves.

I remember moments when my aunties and uncles would even have dance competitions with their husbands and wives. As children, we would sit there laughing and watching them show off.

Between all of that, I’d just sit back and imagine myself one day being one of the adults there, with my own wife and children, also part of that atmosphere.

Thankfully, when I eventually got married, I found myself experiencing my own version of that dream. My wife and I don’t exactly come from huge families, but whenever there’s a reason for everyone to gather — birthdays, holidays, celebrations — and all the couples are together, it always reminds me of those moments from childhood.

I felt prepared for marriage because of my upbringing

Honestly, I can’t say marriage surprised me too much.

I think I owe that to my upbringing. Growing up in a large family meant I saw many examples of married life. I watched my uncles interact with their wives. I watched how my dad ran our home. So I had a clear sense of what was expected of a man in marriage.

One thing that always stood out to me was how my dad handled relationships with in-laws.

Every last weekend of the month, he would drive down to visit my maternal grandparents just to check on them. It didn’t matter if there was a special occasion or not. He made it a routine.

Those kinds of things stayed with me.

My dad would also call me aside from time to time and point things out. Sometimes he’d say something like, “You see how I handled that situation? That’s how you should do it when you’re running your own home.”

So by the time I got married, I already felt like I had about 90% of what to expect locked down.

Losing my mum almost broke me

The moment that truly tested me in marriage was when I lost my mum.

That was one of the worst periods of my life. I was close to both my parents, but I had a particularly strong bond with my mum. She used to say she waited a long time before giving birth to me because all my older siblings are women, so when I came along, she pampered me a lot.

After she died, I completely fell apart.

For months, I wasn’t myself. I stopped paying attention to my appearance. I was falling behind at work. Even at home, I was withdrawn and distant.

My wife tried to be patient at first, but by the second month, when she saw I was still stuck in that state, she involved my dad.

My dad would come around on weekends and try to talk to me. Sometimes he used the tough-love approach, but it didn’t really move me.

At some point, my wife also started withdrawing because she didn’t know how to help me anymore. Looking back now, I think that period could have seriously damaged our marriage.

It was actually the church that helped me navigate that grief and slowly find my way back.

My relationship with my mother-in-law became a problem

About a year after my mum died, I started getting very close to my mother-in-law.

She only has daughters, so she always refers to her sons-in-law as her sons. Around that time, I think I was still struggling with the absence of my mum, and my mother-in-law naturally filled some of that space.

She would call me and pray for me. Sometimes she’d ask me to stop by after work. We even work in the same industry, although she’s retired now, so we always had things to talk about.

At first, nobody saw a problem with it.

But one day, one of my wife’s sisters complained that I was spending too much time around their mum. My wife later brought it up with me, and I completely lost my temper.

I don’t even remember her exact words, but what I heard was that she didn’t trust me around her mother. We got into a loud argument and said a lot of hurtful things to each other. At some point, she even said something about my late mum that really hurt me, although I believe she said it in anger.

That argument sparked several other fights. After that, every interaction I had with my mother-in-law started to feel like something I had to justify. If I wanted to visit her, my wife insisted we go together. If I stopped by without telling her, it became an issue.

But the truth is, my mother-in-law genuinely helped me through my grief. She made me feel like I still had a mother figure praying for me and checking up on me.

At the same time, I could see why the situation looked unusual, especially because the other sons-in-law weren’t nearly as close to her. One of them even told me he only answers her calls when there’s a family gathering coming up.

Eventually, my dad stepped in and spoke to me. He told me something that stayed with me: it’s good to have a kind mother-in-law, but she’s still an in-law first, and that boundary must be respected.

Stepping back from my mother-in-law was the hardest adjustment

One of the most difficult things I’ve had to do in my marriage is reduce my closeness with my mother-in-law.

Even though both of us had innocent intentions, I can’t completely blame my wife for feeling uncomfortable. There are many stories about inappropriate relationships between sons-in-law and mothers-in-law, and even though that would never happen with us, I understand why the situation looked strange.

At some point, I had to accept something difficult: I don’t have a mother anymore, and no one can completely fill that role.

Letting go of that connection wasn’t easy because my mother-in-law had genuinely stepped into that space during my grief.

Now I’m more intentional about boundaries. If she calls, I often put the phone on speaker. I’ve reduced how often I visit her alone.

Sometimes she complains that I haven’t come to greet her in a while, and I’ll just give one excuse or the other. Most times, I prefer to visit when my wife is going, which might only happen once every few months.

It wasn’t an easy adjustment, but it’s something I had to do for the sake of my marriage.

Marriage has made me more careful and self-aware

If you compare the version of me before marriage to the version of me now, I’d say marriage has definitely changed me.

Before, I was very free-spirited. I didn’t overthink things. I believed life was simple and that people just complicated it unnecessarily. But marriage has taught me that things aren’t always black and white.

Just because you see things one way doesn’t mean everyone else will. Some people think deeply about actions and intentions in ways I never used to.

Through everything that has happened — grief, misunderstandings and all — I’ve had to learn patience and emotional awareness.

In that sense, I’d say marriage has made me a wiser version of myself.

 *Names have been changed to protect the identity of the subjects.

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