Adewale* (52) has been married for over two decades, but one of the defining themes of his marriage has been navigating his wife’s ever-changing relationship with religion. What started as a shared faith took unexpected turns over the years, forcing him to confront his beliefs, expectations and limits in ways he never imagined. 

In this week’s Marriage Diaries, he talks about loving a partner whose spiritual journey has been anything but stable, and what it has taken to keep his home together through it all.

This is a look into his marriage diary.

I’ve always believed love is in action, not words

I’ve never seen myself as a romantic person, and I don’t think that has changed.

For me, love has always been about what you do. If I care about you, I’ll make sure you’re comfortable, provided for and protected. All these things about saying sweet words or constantly expressing feelings don’t come naturally to me. It doesn’t mean I don’t care, it’s just not my way.

I remember a girl I dated in university. That relationship could have led to marriage, but she couldn’t deal with my nature. As a student, I was already giving her allowance and paying for her private hostel. To me, that was more than enough to show that I cared.

But she wanted something different. She complained that I didn’t say sweet things or baby her. She also liked being clingy in public, and I didn’t have patience for that. It used to irritate me.

When the relationship ended, my friends would tease me and say I’d struggle to find a woman because everything I disliked was exactly what women wanted.

But when I met my wife, I knew immediately that she was different. We understood each other without needing to over-explain things. We both show love through what we do, not just what we say, and that has worked for us for over 20 years.

I’ve always seen marriage as a responsibility

Marriage, for me, was never about romance or fantasy. It was simply the next step in becoming a man.

My father used to say that the first step is leaving your parents’ house and taking care of yourself. The next is getting married and building your own family. That mindset stayed with me.

I met my wife through a family friend. She was ready for marriage; I was, too, and things moved naturally from there. It wasn’t about long courtship or overthinking things. We connected, understood what we both wanted, and decided to move forward.

If I’m being honest, my dad influenced me a lot. He was a strict man. Growing up, we couldn’t get too close to him or play around him the way some children do with their fathers. But despite that, he always showed up for us in the ways that mattered. He provided, he protected, and we never lacked anything.

He didn’t say much, but his actions spoke. That’s where I learned that actions carry more weight than words. Even now, I still believe that if you ask most women to choose between a man who talks sweet and a man who consistently shows up and handles his responsibilities, especially in this economy, the answer is clear.

My wife changing religion was something I never planned for

If there’s one thing marriage has taught me, it’s that you can’t control everything, no matter how prepared you think you are.

I’m a Muslim, and when I got married, my wife was also a Muslim. That was important to me because I grew up in a strictly Muslim home. My parents always made it clear that marrying within the religion was the right thing to do. So religion was never something I expected to deal with in marriage.

But after we had our first child, I started noticing small changes. She would miss her daily prayers and mention going for vigils with friends. At the time, I didn’t think too much about it. To me, she was still worshipping God.

Then one day, she told me she had decided to become a Christian. It wasn’t easy to hear. On top of that, she asked me not to tell any family members because she wanted to handle it in her own time. So I was carrying that information alone.

My first instinct was to reject it completely. But I could see how serious she was, and I knew forcing her would only create bigger problems.

So I made a decision. I told her she was free to practise whatever religion she wanted, but the children would remain Muslims. At the time, that felt like the only way to keep the peace.

I had to accept that I can’t control my family’s choices

Even with that agreement, things didn’t stay as simple as I hoped. All our children were raised as Muslims, but when our first child got to university, she decided to become a Christian as well. Of course, I wasn’t happy. I wanted to correct it and do something. But I had to face reality. She was no longer a child. She had her own mind and could make her own decisions.

At that point, I realised something important. Even if you set rules in your home, you cannot control people forever.

The truth is, their mother has moved between Islam and Christianity more than once. So the children have seen different things growing up. When they’ve been exposed to that, you can’t be surprised if they make their own choices later.

Now, the other two are still Muslims, but I’m not deceiving myself. If they decide tomorrow to follow a different path, there’s only so much I can do. That realisation didn’t come easily, but it has helped me become calmer about things I can’t control.

Religion has caused some of our biggest arguments

Religion didn’t just change in our home; it also caused serious arguments between my wife and me. We see things differently.

When challenges happen, I tend to accept them as the will of God. I believe you do your best and leave the rest. My wife is the opposite. She believes life is a battle and you must always be actively doing something. She’s always looking for solutions, spiritual or otherwise.

There was a time she would bring different things for the children, ointments, prayers, all sorts of things meant to “protect” or “help” them. I remember when our first child was preparing for junior WAEC, and she brought something for memory. I was very angry. I threw it away immediately, even though it came from an Islamic cleric.

We’ve had many arguments like that. But over time, I’ve changed how I respond. I’ve become calmer. I’ve learned that reacting to everything only creates more tension. Now, I focus on what truly matters and let some things go, especially when I know her intentions are good. She’s just trying to protect her family in the way she understands.

Marriage has made me more tolerant than I ever expected

If there’s one thing marriage has changed about me, it’s my level of tolerance. I’ve become more patient than I ever thought I could be.

There was even a time my wife said she was returning to Islam. I was genuinely happy. She became serious about it, and I even considered sponsoring her for Hajj, but I couldn’t afford it at the time. Then, after about two years, she changed again.

At some point, even family and friends started noticing. It’s not something you can hide. One day she’s fully practising Islam, the next she’s in church again.

Before marriage, I don’t think I would have been able to handle something like that. But now, I’ve learned to take things as they come. I’ve chosen to focus on keeping my home together rather than fighting battles that won’t change anything.

So yes, marriage has made me more tolerant. These days, fewer things get to me. I’ve learned that worrying or getting angry won’t always change the situation.

Love alone is not enough to keep a marriage going

I believe love has its place in marriage, but it can’t stand on its own. As a man, you can’t rely on love alone. You need commitment, patience, communication, and the ability to provide and protect your family. If those things are missing, love will not save the marriage. 

Love is important, but it has to work together with other things. That’s what keeps a marriage going for years.

*Names have been changed to protect the identity of the subjects.

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