Rotimi* (36) always imagined marriage as something you ease into and figure out along the way. He wanted a calm, playful partnership, modelled after the marriage he admired growing up. But a few years into being married again, he’s learning that love looks different at different stages and that staying present, open and emotionally available takes more work than he expected.

In this week’s Marriage Diaries, he reflects on remarriage, the quiet work of becoming a better partner, and what it’s like to love deeply and still realise that love isn’t always enough.

This is a look into Rotimi’s marriage diary.

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I wanted a marriage that felt easy

Before I got married, I was very clear about one thing: I wanted peace. Not a perfect or flashy marriage, just a peaceful home.

After university, I lived with my elder brother and his wife for a while, and that experience did a lot to shape what I wanted for myself. Growing up, my parents had a good marriage, but they were very traditional about it. They weren’t the type for public affection or romance. It was always “mummy” and “daddy,” and even when we teased them to be a little playful, they’d just laugh it off. They loved each other, but it looked quiet and serious.

My brother’s marriage was the complete opposite. He and his wife were playful, affectionate and very modern in the way they related with each other. They went on dates, teased each other, joked a lot and still showed respect. Watching them made me realise that marriage didn’t have to be stiff or heavy. I used to mentally take notes and tell myself that when I finally got married, my wife and I would be best friends. I wanted a marriage where we were “guyest guys,” not just husband and wife existing in the same house.

The reality of two very different marriages

The biggest shock in my marriage journey is that I’ve had to navigate marriage twice in a short span of time.

My first marriage ended because I lost my first wife. It’s not something I talk about easily. Even though I’ve healed enough to move forward, I still think about her a lot, especially when I’m with our child. There are moments when memories just rush in without warning.

I got married again about three years after she passed, and being married a second time has been a completely different experience. Sometimes, I jokingly tell my wife that I have more experience in marriage than she does, and she never finds it funny. But the truth is, that first marriage, as short as it was, taught me lessons that made some parts of my second marriage easier.

Things like managing in-law relationships, understanding family politics and knowing when to speak up or keep quiet. My first wife came from a very large family, and a lot of what I know about navigating extended family dynamics came from that experience. So when I married again, I didn’t come in completely blind. The shock wasn’t marriage itself; it was the fact that I was married again.

My first marriage taught me things I didn’t plan for

Looking back, the only time I questioned whether I was ready for marriage was during my first one.

She got pregnant, and even though we had been dating and our families knew each other, everything suddenly moved very fast. Abortion was never on the table, but the decision to press on with marriage came with pressure. Her parents didn’t want her to have a child out of wedlock, and my parents were also very clear that I couldn’t be the one to “bring shame” to the family. They kept referencing my elder brother and how I was expected to follow the right path.

I won’t lie, every step felt rushed. I kept asking myself if we couldn’t just have the child first and figure things out later. But that wasn’t an option anyone wanted to hear. So I went along with it, even though I constantly felt unprepared.

With my second marriage, it was different. I had taken time to heal, and I knew exactly what I wanted. I prayed for a partner I could do life with, and I genuinely believe God answered me. My wife is kind, playful, calm and understanding. She listens to me talk about my late wife without jealousy or awkwardness. Sometimes, she’s even the one comforting me or saying prayers for me. That alone told me I was ready to marry her.

I had to learn how to show up when it mattered 

One thing nobody warned me about marriage is how much your emotional habits can affect your partner.

I’m a playful person, but I can also be very moody. When something is bothering me, I shut down. Not for a few hours, but sometimes for days. It could be something external or just my own thoughts weighing me down. Before marriage, this wasn’t a big issue because I could isolate myself without explanation.

Marriage doesn’t give you that luxury. In the early days, my mood swings caused serious problems. My wife would worry, ask questions and even call my brother to check on me. Over time, she learned my pattern. Once she notices I’m withdrawn and I don’t open up after a few attempts, she leaves me alone, too.

The funny thing is, when she ignores me, I get upset.

That was when I realised I couldn’t keep shutting my partner out and expect her to wait indefinitely. I’ve had to learn to communicate better. Now, when I feel myself slipping into that space, I tell her clearly that she hasn’t done anything wrong and that I just need time to process. It’s not perfect, but it’s better than silence.

I’m calmer now, and I know why

Marriage has changed me, but not in one direction.

In my first marriage, I was more adventurous and restless because my wife was the same way. She encouraged my wild ideas and was always ready to move. In my current marriage, I’m calmer. My wife is peaceful, and she came into my life at a time when I needed calm more than excitement. Slowly, I started preferring quiet evenings at home to loud nights out.

I’ve also learned how to share my burdens. I used to believe in fighting my battles alone, but my wife insists on carrying things with me. I resisted at first, but I’m better for it. Even small things have changed. I didn’t care much about eating healthy before, but now, if my wife doesn’t approve, I don’t even bother.

Marriage has shown me that who you’re with determines which parts of you grow.

Love matters, but it has never been enough on its own

I wish love could be enough. I really do. I wish marriage were just about loving each other, and everything else would fall into place. But real life doesn’t work that way. My dad used to say that he loved us as his children, but he didn’t always like us. He’d say it jokingly when correcting us, but I understand it better now.

Romantic love works the same way. You can love your partner deeply, but love still needs support. Understanding, patience, communication and effort are what keep things running when love alone isn’t enough. Love is important, but it needs to be nurtured with all the other things that matter.

 *Names have been changed to protect the identity of the subjects.

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