Oriyomi* (37) never romanticised marriage. To him, it was simply about having a companion, living together and maybe raising children. A few years in, he’s learning that marriage demands more negotiation than he expected, especially around sex, money and everyday choices.

In this week’s Marriage Diaries, he talks about mismatched desire, the pressure to always decide as a man, and why friendship and commitment matter more than love on most days.

This is a look into Oriyomi’s marriage diary.

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I never really dreamt of marriage

I can’t say I ever sat down to imagine what marriage would look like for me. To be honest, I just saw married people as people who lived together and had children. That was it, no big expectations or fantasies. Marriage, in my head, was mainly about having a companion I really liked; someone I enjoyed being with. Whether children came or not didn’t even feature strongly in thoughts.

I wasn’t eagerly looking forward to marriage, but I wasn’t opposed to it either. It just wasn’t something I obsessed over. If it happened, fine. If it didn’t, also fine. That was how casually I thought about it.

I don’t think my view came from family or religion. It was just something I grew into, probably shaped by the books I read and the movies I watched. Marriage always looked simple from the outside, and that simplicity stayed with me for a long time.

I didn’t know sex would become a negotiation

This one shocked me the most. Before marriage, I genuinely thought sex would just happen whenever you wanted it. Like the movies. You come back from work, exchange a look, and the next thing you’re in bed. I thought that was real life.

Marriage humbled me. You can’t just decide you want sex and expect it to happen. Timing, energy and mood matter. Sometimes you want it, and your partner doesn’t. Sometimes your partner wants it, and you’re tired. Other times, nobody really wants it, but you’re doing it because it’s been a while and it feels necessary.

At some point, sex stops being about desire alone and starts feeling like something you manage. Sometimes you’re doing it because you didn’t get it when you wanted it. Other times, you’re doing it because you haven’t done it in a while, and it feels like you should. If you understand, you understand.

The day responsibility hit me all at once

I don’t think I ever questioned if I was truly prepared for marriage, but having my first child reintroduced me to what marriage actually looks like in real life.

I remember being in the hospital when my wife gave birth and still actively working. I had to make decisions, show up emotionally for my wife, and still deliver at work. My line manager was shocked. Even I surprised myself.

That moment reminded me that marriage doesn’t pause life for you. Everything continues at once — work, emotions, responsibilities, expectations. The only reason I navigated that period well was because I had a lot of support. Without that support, I honestly don’t know how I would have coped.

You stop belonging to yourself alone

Nobody warned me that once you’re married, people will expect you to make almost every decision, especially financially. You can’t just wake up and decide you’re tired of your job and quit. Your decisions are no longer yours alone. You have to think about everybody involved.

You lose the ability to act on impulse. You have to think and rethink. That’s why I always joke that it’s good to eat outside sometimes as a man; chop your money small. Just remind yourself that you still exist.

Marriage also taught me that sometimes you’ll have sex not because you want to, but because it feels like something that has to be done. It’s not always romantic. Sometimes it’s just part of maintaining the relationship.

I’ve learnt that not every disagreement needs a fight

There isn’t one particular argument that stands out for me. What marriage has taught me instead is that you don’t always need to argue to make a point.

Sometimes, you say what you need to say and leave it there. You don’t have to agree. Everybody’s point just needs to be heard.

My partner likes to address things immediately. I like to test the atmosphere first. I check the mood, the timing, the energy in the room. It’s not something I’d recommend to everyone, but it works for me.

Now, I wait for moments when everyone is calm or happy, then I bring things up. I’m not looking for apologies or long explanations. Just hear me, understand my point, and let’s move on. Disagreement is part of marriage and part of life.

Love is not enough, and that’s the truth

Marriage has changed how I see myself in many ways. I’ve lost spontaneity, but I’ve gained stability. I can’t act on impulse anymore, but I now have someone I can lean on for advice, support, and safety. As the saying goes, I am loved at home.

There are also things I didn’t fully understand until after marriage. For example, when my wife said she wanted me to earn more than her, I didn’t get it at first. I believe everyone should earn as much as they can. But now I understand the pressure society puts on men. When things go wrong, it’s the man people come to first.

One of the hardest compromises I’ve had to make is choosing where we live. We live closer to my wife’s workplace to reduce her stress. Left to me, I would have chosen somewhere bigger and more affordable, farther away. But I think it’s worth it. It pushes me to work harder and constantly improve my income.

And no, love is not enough to sustain a marriage. Love fades. It comes and goes. What keeps a marriage standing is friendship, kindness, commitment, patience, and yes, money too. Sometimes you don’t feel like showing up, but you have to. Marriage needs more than love to survive.

 *Names have been changed to protect the identity of the subjects.

Got a marriage story to share? Please fill the form and we’ll reach out.