Romade’s* (32) relationship with her father has never been great, but when he wanted to call the shots around her wedding, she simply removed him from the picture.
In this story, she shares how her father’s religious beliefs and abusive nature tried to ruin her big day and how she reclaimed her celebration and got married on her own terms.
This is Romade’s story, as told to Betty
My father and I have never seen eye to eye.
I grew up with him, and my mother and I separated, and my father had custody of my brother and me. While we lived with him, he was verbally, physically and emotionally abusive. He was also obsessed with a fear of spiritual attacks and retribution, so he spent a lot of time at Cele churches, hoping prayers and other rituals would ward off these attacks.
He was very controlling of our movements and interests because he was determined to prevent us from having any relationship with our mother. Once my brother and I got into university, he could no longer exert that control, and we were finally able to develop close relationships with our mum.
When I was leaving for my first year, my father made it clear that he had no intention of supporting me financially. He claimed it was because he had my half-siblings to take care of, and he was getting on in years. But I knew it was mostly because he had a serious womanising streak, and he wanted me to beg and be totally dependent on him for my education.
Instead, I struggled to take care of myself all through uni by working odd jobs and any side gigs I could find. My mum also assisted me when she could with her small salary. After I graduated from university, my boyfriend at the time proposed, and I eagerly shared the good news with my mother. But I hesitated to tell my dad.
I kept procrastinating until my would-be in-laws insisted on meeting him. I know my dad and how dramatic he is; I was sure he was going to make the wedding all about himself or bring up some other disruptive issue, and I was right.
When I introduced my fiancé to him and told him our wedding dates, I lied about them. The nuptial dates we chose were for December 2024, but I told my dad we were getting married in November. My fiancé looked confused, but I convinced him to stay quiet with a sharp look. That decision I took on the fly was the best thing I did for my wedding planning. When I introduced my in-laws, I avoided talking about the wedding dates at all.
A few weeks before the false November wedding date, my father called me with urgent news. He said the prophet at the Cele church he attended saw a vision that if I got married in November or I didn’t do a tiny celebration, it would have spiritual consequences that would lead to a death in our family. He hinted that the person responsible for this spiritual attack was his ex-wife, my mum. According to his “prophet,” the only solution was to postpone the wedding, pick a new date and do a small celebration.
I was already expecting my dad to come up with something that would ruin my wedding, so I immediately agreed since the dates were false anyway, and I convinced him that I would seek his advice for the new date. I told my fiancé, mother and my oldest stepbrother about what my dad said. I wanted to keep our December date, and they supported me. We all agreed to keep the real date a secret from the rest of my side of the family and went on to have a beautiful wedding in the first week of December.
I didn’t even tell my dad the wedding had happened until after Christmas. He was agitated and accused me of cutting him out of the celebration, but I gave the excuse that I wanted to follow the prophet’s instruction to avoid having a big wedding. This action has put a further strain on my relationship with my father, but I don’t really care. We haven’t spoken since I told him I got married.
Now, I feel completely free of his control. My husband is a kind and supportive man whom I never have to fear will make me experience anything like I did when I was living with my father. The peace of mind is unmatched.
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