There’s this long-standing idea that men only respond to toughness, stoicism and all the loud parts of masculinity. But that’s not always the truth; men want love, reassurance and softness just as much as anyone else.
For International Men’s Day, we asked 10 Nigerian men to share what they truly desire in love and how they want to receive care in their romantic and platonic relationships.
“I want the space to be vulnerable without fear” — Timothy*, 27
For Timothy, love and vulnerability in a safe environment define what love means to him.
“Being loved means I can open up to my partner and be vulnerable without feeling like I’ve made a wrong choice.
I wish women knew that I love how I am treated when I see the same level of energy and enthusiasm I give. I hate feeling like a second option or replacement. If I get the same vim I’m giving out, I feel like that connection is special.
I feel most cared for when my partner or friend comes through for me when I need their help. If I can count on you when it matters, it tells me you really rate me.
“I’m a simple man; I don’t need the grandest efforts to feel loved” Abraham*, 30
For Abraham, love doesn’t have to be grand over the top as long as it feels safe and nurturing.
“Being loved feels like a warm hug for my soul; like having a safety net that’s always there, catching me when I fall. It’s the comfort of knowing the people I consider intimately have my back, no matter what.
I like to think of myself as a simple man who doesn’t require the grandest effort to make me feel loved. This means I love the way I want to be loved. Sadly, this doesn’t always translate well, since everyone has their own love language. However, I’ve been intentional about communicating this as often as possible with the women—platonic and romantic—in my life. It’s been a work in progress; love itself requires constant nurturing and tweaking to accommodate the feelings of the people experiencing it.”
“I want to be gifted more” — Lore*, 25
For Lore, the best way to his heart is through a thoughtful gift from the women he holds dear.
“I like gifts a lot. I feel like a lot of the women in my life think I want to be told it’s okay to cry or be more vulnerable. I don’t think that’s the best way to celebrate my existence as a man. To me, it’s lazy. Gifts do it better for me.
If I feel supported — financially and emotionally — and I’m with someone with effective communication, there’s not much more I desire in a relationship.”
“Loving men requires more intentional work” — Tony*, 24
Tony believes that for men to feel more comfortable expressing their emotions, they need to be given signals that it’s safe to do so.
“I believe that loving men often requires a little more intentional clarity than just telling them ‘Be more vulnerable.’ Many men feel deeply, but don’t always have the language to express those feelings, so small, steady signals mean a lot.
Consistency, genuine appreciation, and a safe space to relax where I don’t have to perform strength matter to me. I don’t need grand gestures; I just need to know my presence matters and my efforts aren’t invisible. I need to know that it’s okay for me to be soft when necessary without a question tag on my masculinity.”
“Kindness and love are intertwined for me” — Murewa*, 28.
For Murewa, love, kindness and accountability are closely knitted and shape what he looks for in love.
“To love me is to be kind to me. I despise assholes who find it hard to take accountability or apologise for their questionable behaviours. These people would rather make excuses because they’ve grown used to getting away with it. They have no place in my life.
I love in my love language, and I’m willing to learn theirs and give my 100%. All I ask in return is that you give me 100% too. Be expressive and show kindness. Don’t be self-centred or snobbish. People can care and still be all these things, which I find mind-boggling. Many relationships have ended because of this. ”
“I wish women knew that loving physical touch doesn’t translate to sex” — David*, 27
All David wants in a relationship is emotional support and good food.
“I feel most loved when my partner believes in me, cares for me and supports me and loves physical touch. I especially enjoy it when I have similar interests and hobbies as my partner; it just makes things easier for me.
I wish more women understood that loving physical touch doesn’t always mean it has to end in sex. I just enjoy non-sexual physical intimacy with my friends and romantic partners.”
“When I’m appreciated by my loved ones, I feel seen” — Bolu*, 31
Bolu wishes the women in his life knew that, even if it doesn’t always look like it, he’s trying his best.
“Being loved and appreciated by my loved ones makes me feel seen and is one of the many ways I define love. I wish the women in my life knew I’m trying my best even when it doesn’t look like it. Past hurt and trauma have influenced some of my past actions, but I’m genuinely trying. It would be nice to receive some acknowledgement as a form of encouragement to continue on this path.”
“Consistency makes me feel cared for” — Toluwani*, 29
Toluwani believes love looks like grace, and he feels most cared for when the support he gives others comes back to him with the same consistency.
“For me, love feels like grace. It’s when someone chooses not to assume the worst about me in a moment where they easily could. When they see me on a rough day, they treat it as what it is — a rough day. It also looks like space: the freedom to be unsure, to say what I mean without rehearsing it first. It makes me human in a way I don’t always permit myself to be: living, breathing, still growing.
Much of what I do stems from a simple place: I give because it feels natural to me. Being useful — offering help, stepping in quietly, doing small things that make someone’s day easier — is my way of showing care. There’s no hidden motive in it. I’m not keeping scores. It wears me down when I’m treated like there must be.
That consistency makes me feel cared for. I appreciate knowing what to expect and feeling confident in someone’s patterns. When my partner is steady and predictable in how they show up, it gives me one less thing to worry about. It’s the reliability that lets me relax. It tells me I don’t have to brace myself.”
“Just because I want some space doesn’t mean I don’t love you” — Ibrahim*, 27
For Ibrahim, nothing beats the security of feeling loved and valued by the people around him.
“I always think of genuine happiness when I think of love. Knowing someone truly cares tells me they value me, and that comes with the knowledge that they want the best for me. That sense of security makes everything feel better.
This also applies to the women in my life. I wish they knew that I still care deeply for them, even when I need some space. With me, silence doesn’t translate to unreciprocated love.
I feel cared for when the women in my life show up during hard times. It’s another way to show that you value me.”
“Supporting my interests shows that you know me, and I love that” — Adesoji*, 30
Adesoji shares how his wife’s intuitive support of his interests immediately made him feel safe and loved.
“You know when, as a kid, something bad happens and your parent soothes you? That’s how being loved feels, a deep comfort. Protected. Reassured.
I wish more women would try to figure out other people’s love languages. I did that with my wife. You should ask yourself, ‘How does this person love, and how do they express love?’ Sometimes, a person who loves gifts might express their love through acts of service. It’s important to always seek clarity of intentions..
During our early years, I once visited her in a different city, and she planned a visit to a museum for me. I hadn’t asked, but she knew my love for history and culture, and knew exactly what I would enjoy. It showed that she cared and wanted me to be happy. That’s exactly what makes me feel cared for in a relationship: careful consideration.”
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