Diran*, 30, has been married for two years. When his sister-in-law moved in after NYSC, he thought it would be a short, harmless arrangement. But as weeks turned into months, things started to feel strange. Now, he’s wondering if setting boundaries makes him a bad husband or if he simply did what anyone in his position would.
This is Diran’s dilemma, as told to Adeyinka
When my wife first told me her younger sister needed a place to stay, I didn’t think twice. She had just completed NYSC and was still job-hunting. Their family lives far away in Ikorodu, and most of her interviews were around Surulere, Yaba, and Lekki. It made sense for her to stay with us temporarily until she found her footing.
At the time, it felt like the right thing to do. I even encouraged my wife when she dragged her feet at first. I had no idea it would turn into something that would make me question my own peace of mind.
The first few weeks went smoothly. She was polite and reserved, and since she had friends in Lagos, she was hardly ever around during the day. My wife and I enjoyed having her. She’d help with chores, run small errands, and keep my wife company on weekends.
But gradually, her presence started to feel uncomfortable. It began with small things. She’d leave her underwear in the bathroom or forget to close the door when she was bathing. I told myself it wasn’t a big deal, maybe she was just adjusting.
Then one afternoon, I was taking a shower when she suddenly opened the door. I shouted, “Someone’s inside!” but she didn’t leave immediately. She casually said sorry and said she thought I was my wife. My heart was racing, not because of attraction but because I was embarrassed. I waited until my wife got home and mentioned it casually, hoping she’d talk to her. She also brushed it aside and said it wasn’t that serious an issue.
Still, I couldn’t shake the weird feeling.
I work remotely as a project manager, so I’m home most of the day while my wife, who works in a bank, leaves early and returns late. That means her sister and I spend long hours alone together. I usually keep to my office space, but sometimes when I step out to get water, I meet her sprawled on the couch in a singlet with no bra, scrolling through her phone or watching TV.
I’d look away quickly and walk back into my office. But each time it happened, it became harder to ignore. I started closing my office door more often, not because I thought I’d do anything wrong, but because I didn’t like how easily such situations could be misread.
One morning, I came out to the kitchen and saw her wearing one of my wife’s short nighties. She was bending over the sink, washing plates, completely unaware that I was behind her. Then I quietly turned and went back to the room. My mind was unsettled, like I’d done something wrong just by existing in seeing her that way.
That evening, I tried to explain to my wife again. I told her I wasn’t comfortable being alone with her sister all day and that she seemed too relaxed around me. My wife frowned and asked, “What are you trying to say?” I said her sister needed to be more mindful around me.
She brushed it off again, saying I was exaggerating. I could tell she thought I was overreacting. I dropped the matter because I didn’t want it to sound like I was picking on her sister.
Still, things kept piling up. The final straw came one Friday afternoon. I was on a work call in the living room, and she came out wearing only a towel. She walked past me casually, said hi, and went into the kitchen. It was like she didn’t even register how awkward that was. I ended the call abruptly and stayed in my room until my wife returned home.
That night, I told her plainly that I didn’t want her sister living with us anymore. I said she could visit on weekends but not stay indefinitely.
I expected her to understand. Instead, she exploded. She accused me of being inappropriate, of “thinking nonsense thoughts” about her sister. She said, “So because she’s free in her own sister’s house, you’re now uncomfortable?” I tried to explain it wasn’t about lust or attraction but about boundaries. She didn’t believe me.
For days, we barely spoke. Her sister started keeping to herself, eating in her room and avoiding eye contact. My wife became cold, insisting I had misjudged her.
Eventually, her sister moved back to Ikorodu after a small argument with my wife about job interviews. The day she left, my wife didn’t speak to me. It wasn’t until two days later she said, “I hope you’re happy now.”
I thought I’d feel relieved when she left, but I didn’t. Instead, I felt guilty, like I’d disrupted something that could’ve been handled better. I keep wondering if I should’ve just endured it quietly until she found a job. Maybe if I’d said nothing, things would’ve resolved on their own.
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But at the same time, I know how uneasy I was. I didn’t like that I had to second-guess every move I made in my own home. I didn’t like that I had to think twice before walking out of my office.
My friends say I did the right thing, that I was being proactive. But my wife still thinks I overreacted. Last weekend, she told me her sister wanted to visit for a few days. I said okay, even though I felt tense. When she arrived, I made sure to be out most of the time. My wife noticed and asked why I was avoiding home. I told her it was easier that way.
Now, I don’t know if I’ve created a crack in my marriage or if time will heal it. I keep asking myself: should I have been more patient? Should I have ignored it until she left on her own? Either way, things aren’t in a good place right now.
