Dunni* (23) left her husband, Lanre* (33), and their baby after repeated efforts to complete her education were met with his indifference and nonchalance. In this story, she shares how she reclaimed her freedom and rebuilt her life by choosing to escape squalor, pursue her education despite pressure and stand firm despite pressure from her in-laws and extended family.
This is Dunni’s story as told to Betty:
I met Lanre back in 2021, when I was 19 and he was 29. I was working as a server at a hotel to make extra money to supplement my student allowance. His friend approached me on his behalf and after I spoke to him, we hit it off.
A few months later, we started dating and our relationship was wonderful. We had a lot of similar interests. We were both muslims, loved to party, get high and go drinking together. For the three years we dated, we had very few issues except the occasional fight about minor things, like me being late to a date.
In early 2023, I found out I was pregnant. I was shocked because I had just started my final year at a Polytechnic. I wanted to have an abortion, but Lanre insisted I keep it. He wanted us to get married and raise the baby.
I was hesitant at first. Marriage wasn’t something I’d thought deeply about or actively wanted. But the more I considered it, the more I felt that since Lanre and I had such a good relationship, married life would be easy for me to adjust to.
I could not have been more wrong.
We told my parents, and while there was the initial drama, they eventually came to accept the reality. They had met Lanre a few times over the course of our relationship, so it didn’t take too much convincing.
Even with all this, it was important to me that I finish school. I tried to complete my final year before I had the baby, but balancing pregnancy and school was very hard. I finished my first semester, came home in December to do the introduction and traditional rites and had my baby less than a week after.
I love my child to pieces, but his birth meant that I couldn’t go back to school for the final semester. Lanre promised that when my body fully recovered, he would send me back to school to finish my degree. However, finishing school became the least of my problems because as soon as we moved in together, into his tiny apartment, Lanre changed.
For one, he didn’t have a stable job. He got gigs sporadically, which meant we only had money from time to time. I suffered a lot while I lived with him. I started doing odd jobs like hawking seasoning cubes and other condiments just to be able to afford baby food. No matter how much I complained, Lanre didn’t seem bothered at all.
Then he forbade me from wearing any of the clothes I used to wear while we were dating. It was as if he suddenly remembered he was Muslim only after we got married. I had to veil my hair most of the time, or it would cause issues. If we had an argument over it, he would immediately call my parents to report me. This upset me a lot because, aside from the fact that I love dressing well, Lanre knew my parents were traditional and would only ever take his side. The most painful part was that, because of their conservative beliefs, they would make me apologise even though Lanre was at fault.
I also found out that Lanre was a mummy’s boy. His mum and grandmother had an overbearing influence on our marriage. They also never took my side with anything, even if Lanre was obviously wrong. He was their perfect boy. I tried to speak to my mum about this, but she encouraged me to try to get on my in-laws’ good side.
One day, late last year, an old friend of mine reached out to me. He initially tried to date me, but I was already dating Lanre, so we stayed friends. Then we lost touch after I got married. He asked how I was doing, and I came clean about getting pregnant and dropping out of school. He felt very moved by my plight and asked if I was interested in finishing my degree. I immediately jumped at the opportunity. I told him it would cost about ₦200k for my final year. He agreed to send me half of the money so Lanre could source the second half.
Knowing Lanre was unemployed, I begged him to make it ₦150k, so I could figure out the rest. He sent me the money with no strings attached. He really just wanted to help. I was excited about going back to school, so I immediately went to Lanre and told him the good news. Lanre was not happy for me. He started accusing me of cheating on him and demanded that I return the money. I refused, and this became a big issue in our marriage. They planned a family meeting a few months in advance to discuss the matter and to demand that I return the money. But I already swore to Lanre that I wasn’t going to do that.
I was tired of living hand to mouth in a terrible apartment, barely able to feed my baby with a man who didn’t want to pull his weight. At least with a degree, I would be able to get a job and start trying to build a career with a stable income. Lanre tried to use our son to manipulate me by taking him to his mother’s house. Two months before the family meeting held, I packed all my things, leaving only the clothes I wore for the introduction and the wedding ring, and resumed at school.
This came as a shock to everyone. Lanre started spreading rumours that I was cheating on him, and my fees were paid by my lover. I had previously kept my husband’s nonchalant behaviour a secret from my mum, but after I moved to school, I told her everything. She is now firmly on my side and keeps encouraging me through school.
My dad, however, refused to see things from my point of view. He claimed that a wife’s place is with her husband, and I should apologise to Lanre. When Lanre told him I packed my things, he told Lanre not to worry, that there was no room for me in his house. So I cut him off and stopped visiting home.
I made sure to take my son from Lanre after a few months in school because the boy had come down with malaria, and Lanre wasn’t doing anything to treat him. He stays with my mum now, who cares for him, so I can focus on finishing school. I visit often to spend time with him.
I love the freedom I have now. I just wrapped up my first semester in school, I’m working on my final year project, and I’m excited for what the future holds. I was worried when I went back at first because I didn’t know how to sort out my upkeep, but my friend who gave me the fees has been sending me money for food every week since. I feel like I can finally visualise a future I can work towards, and I will never go back to Lanre’s house. I’m free.
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