You’ve seen it before. You start a relationship with someone “amazing”. The first two months pass by. The chemistry is insane, the banter is out of this world, and you’re convinced you’ve arrived at your last bus stop. Then, somewhere along the line, everything starts to fall apart. You suddenly realise you need more than the vibes and excitement offer. And you blame yourself for falling yet again.

Relationship expert and founder of Temples Counsel, Dr Temple Obike, says most people confuse excitement with being a good lover. Those two things are not the same.

We sat with him to find out what it actually takes to keep a relationship alive beyond the honeymoon phase. His answers point to three things: intentional habits, strong values and honest self-reflection. 

Here’s what that looks like:

1. Prioritise character in yourself and others

The uncomfortable truth is that many people choose partners based on the wrong reasons.

“People focus on the intensity of a relationship, the sparks, the butterflies, instead of stability,” Dr Temple says. “They chase chemistry and emotions over character.”

Chemistry is real, he acknowledges, but it shouldn’t be the main factor you evaluate when choosing a partner. Instead, pay attention to the things that actually tell you who someone is.  How do they handle anger? Are they generous? How much are they willing to sacrifice for someone they love?  These traits are far more important than butterflies.

2. Hold yourself accountable, not just your partner

“A good partner understands themselves and holds themselves accountable,” Dr Temple explains. “That accountability leads to emotional availability. You can’t be truly present for someone else if you haven’t done the internal work.”

This goes beyond saying “sorry” when you mess up. It means being honest about your patterns, triggers, and how you show up in relationships. Before you point out everything your partner is doing wrong, ask yourself, “Am I emotionally available? Do I create a space where my partner feels safe?”

If your partner constantly feels on edge around you, shrinks themselves, or is scared to say the wrong thing, you need to examine your behaviour.

3. Build emotional maturity before you enter anything serious

Dr Temple is direct about this: many relationship problems aren’t about the relationship itself, but the person entering it. 

Emotional maturity isn’t just a buzzword; it’s a set of habits you can build. Here’s how:

• Admit when you’re wrong: No “I’m sorry you feel that way.” No deflection, just accountability.
• Name your triggers: When something bothers you, communicate it clearly and apologise for how you reacted if necessary.
• Ask for reassurance without shame: Needing reassurance doesn’t make you needy. Suffering in silence and exploding later on creates bigger problems.
• Regulate your emotions: Manage your feelings so they don’t become everyone else’s problem. 
• Develop sexual intelligence: Be aware of your partner’s needs and satisfaction, not just your own.

4. Know your values before you choose a partner

There’s a difference between a casual friend and a romantic partner, Dr Temple says. That difference should come from intentional observation, not just how someone makes your stomach flip.

Before getting to know someone, pay attention to this:

• How do you handle anger? Someone can be charming 90% of the time. The remaining 10% reveals who they really are.
• Are you generous? Not just with money, but with your time, energy, and attention.
• What’s your relationship with your family and upbringing? Understanding how you’re influenced by your background can tell a potential partner a lot about you.
• Do you believe in something bigger than yourself? Dr Temple notes that spirituality often provides a foundation for accountability. “When there’s no internal compass,” he says, “it becomes very hard to hold a person to anything.”
• Do your values align? Not just your taste in music, but your core values. 
• Do you care about their personal growth? You can’t claim to be invested in your partner’s improvement if you want them to stay exactly as they are.

5. Learn how to bring up the hard stuff without starting a fight

When intimacy feels off, a difficult conversation needs to be had, a pattern frustrates you, or you simply feel unhappy, how do you bring it up without escalating things?

Dr Temple recommends the “Speaker-Listener Technique,”  built on genuine, active listening and the use of “I” statements.

“Don’t start with ‘you,’” he warns. “Starting a conversation with ‘You don’t satisfy me’ immediately puts your partner on the defensive. You’ve already lost the conversation before it starts.”

Instead, try: “I felt [emotion] when you [action]. I would appreciate it if we could do it this way next time.”

The shift changes everything. You’re not attacking, you’re expressing your feelings and signalling that you want conversation and resolution, not war.

Timing also matters. Wait until both of you feel genuinely relaxed. Your body language carries as much weight as your words.

6. Identify and interrupt your unhealthy patterns

Ever noticed that you keep ending up in the same kind of situation, with different people? “Patterns are the greatest predictors of human behaviour,” Dr Temple says. “If you want to understand where you’re headed, look at where you keep ending up.”

Breaking unhealthy patterns starts with honest self-questioning: Why does this keep happening? What am I tolerating? Did I learn this behaviour growing up?

Sometimes that means therapy. Sometimes it means serious self-research. But knowledge alone isn’t enough. You have to unpack old behaviours, and always choose differently. It’s hard work, but growth rarely feels easy.

7. Do your due diligence when choosing a partner

Many people believe that if someone chooses to be with you, that’s enough. Dr Temple disagrees.

“The fact that they chose to be with you doesn’t mean you shouldn’t look into their past,” he says. “Many relationships break down because partners ignore behaviours nobody addressed early on.”

He compares it to online shopping: you wouldn’t buy something without reading the reviews. So why commit your life to someone without understanding who they’ve been in previous relationships?

This isn’t paranoia. It’s about honesty with yourself about who you’re choosing.

8. Heal before you bond

If there’s one thing Dr Temple wants you to remember, it’s this: “heal before you bond.”

“When you enter a relationship carrying unhealed wounds, those wounds don’t disappear,” he says. “Marriage and commitment expose everything you haven’t dealt with.”

Examine your family dynamics honestly. Identify patterns like anger issues or emotional unavailability that may run in your family. Recognise your predispositions so you can interrupt them before they harm someone else

Because the goal isn’t just to find a good relationship, it’s to become someone capable of sustaining one.

Dr Temple Obike is a certified Life, Marriage and Family Therapist, trainer, counsellor and author with over seventeen years of experience.

Here’s Your Next Read: How Do You Stand Up to Your Nigerian Parents? We Asked a Family Therapist