Lauretta* (26) dated her ex, Somto, for three years before they parted ways. The romance ended, but the bond she formed with his mother didn’t. Almost a year into her new relationship, she’s still navigating the tension between keeping that connection alive and a boyfriend who sees it as a threat.
This is Lauretta’s story, as told to Adeyinka
I’ve been with my boyfriend, Jare*, for almost a year now, and honestly, it’s been the healthiest relationship I’ve ever had. He’s kind, intentional and attentive. He’s the kind of man who makes me feel secure without me having to beg for reassurance. We rarely fight, and even when we disagree, it never gets ugly. But there’s one thing we can’t seem to see eye to eye on. It’s not about money, cheating, or the usual things couples argue about; it’s about my relationship with my ex-boyfriend’s mum.
I know how it sounds, but it’s not what most people think. It’s not because I’m secretly still in love with my ex, Somto. That ship sailed a long time ago. It’s because in the three years Somto and I were together, I formed a bond with his mum that I just can’t bring myself to throw away.
When Somto and I started dating, his mum was the first person in his family I met. I don’t know if she just liked me on sight or had been waiting for her son to bring someone home she could approve of, but from that day, she treated me like I was her own daughter. She doesn’t have any daughters, and she made it clear early on that I was the only girlfriend of his she truly liked.
It wasn’t just talk. She went out of her way to care for me. If I mentioned in passing that I was low on allowance, the next thing I knew, I’d see a transfer alert from her. She’d send me coolers of food from her house. She even travelled to Osun State once, all the way from Lagos, just to visit me while I was serving. Who does that for their child’s girlfriend? I didn’t even have that level of closeness with my mum then.
Her love and warmth became something I depended on. I grew up in a family where my mum was loving but also very busy and practical; the type to express care through action, not sentiment. So having someone call me just to check how my day was, or scold me for not eating enough, or pray for me over the phone, felt new. And because I was dating her son, it was easy. She didn’t have to earn my trust, and I didn’t have to earn hers; we just fit into each other’s lives naturally.
But Somto and I eventually broke up. There was no cheating, no big blow-up; we just grew apart. He wanted different things, I wanted different things, and the relationship stopped feeling like home. His mum tried to patch things up, of course. She called me several times, saying, “Don’t let this small thing spoil the good thing you and Somto have.” But I knew in my heart it wasn’t small. It was over.
After the breakup, I assumed that would also end my relationship with her. I thought she would pull away, maybe keep things polite but distant. I even started preparing myself for that loss, because I didn’t want to be the awkward ex-girlfriend still hanging around her former boyfriend’s family. But instead of pulling away, she got closer.
The first week after the breakup, she sent me a long text. It wasn’t about Somto at all; it was about me. She said she didn’t see me as her son’s ex-girlfriend; she saw me as her daughter. She said she wouldn’t stop being in my life just because the romantic relationship ended. At first, I didn’t know how to respond. It felt strange. But when she kept calling, checking on me, sending food and money like before, I leaned into it. She wasn’t letting go, and honestly? I didn’t want her to.
We fell into a new rhythm. We didn’t talk about Somto unless she brought him up in passing. Our conversations were about me: my work, my friends, my health, my faith. She’d still call to pray for me and still send me surprise parcels. When my birthday came around, she sent a gift and a card, signing it, “From your other mother.” It made me tear up. I realised this wasn’t just about being “my ex’s mum” anymore. She had become family to me.
Then, Jare came into the picture.
When we started dating, I decided to be cautious. I didn’t want my relationship with Somto’s mum to cause unnecessary drama, so I reduced contact with her. I’d still take her calls, but I’d avoid long conversations. I didn’t want Jare to think I was clinging to the past. But the thing is, Jare’s mum is different. She’s nice, cordial, and polite, but that’s where it ends. She doesn’t have the warmth Somto’s mum has. She’s the kind of person who will greet you warmly when she sees you, but won’t call you just to check on you. She’ll ask how you are, but you can tell it’s just a polite question, not an invitation to open up.
At first, I told myself it was fine because not everyone is the same. But then Somto’s mum called one evening, laughing and asking if I’d eaten, and I realised how much I missed that energy. So, I started picking up her calls again, talking to her more, sending her pictures, and telling her about my week.
It didn’t take long for Jare to notice. He asked who I was talking to one evening, and when I told him, he just went quiet. Later, he brought it up and said, “I don’t understand why you’re still close to your ex’s mum. What’s the point?” I tried to explain. I told him she’s like a second mother to me, that our bond is separate from the relationship I had with Somto. But he wasn’t convinced.
He thinks she still has an agenda, and she’s trying to get me back with Somto. I laughed when he said that, but he was dead serious. He told me that if I’m this close to her, it’s only a matter of time before I’m seeing Somto again. I told him that’s ridiculous, but he just shook his head.
I’ve tried to see it from his perspective. I know I might feel strange too if the roles were reversed, if Jare was close to an ex’s family, especially a mother figure. But here’s the thing: relationships come and go, but sometimes you find people along the way who are meant to stay in your life. For me, she’s one of those people.
I’ve even tried to get closer to Jare’s mum to balance things out, but the truth is, we just don’t connect the same way. She’s pleasant, but there’s no depth to our interactions. We don’t talk outside of family gatherings or necessary check-ins. It feels like forcing it, and I hate forced relationships.
Now, we’re at a crossroads. I don’t want to lose Jare, but I also don’t want to cut off someone who has been there for me in ways even my own family hasn’t. When I think about the moments that mattered in my life — getting my first job, moving into my first apartment, dealing with a bad health scare — she was there. Calling me, praying for me, sending me what she could.
Some days, I wonder if the easiest thing is to just stop talking to her so Jare can feel more comfortable. But every time I consider it, I feel a heaviness in my chest. It would feel like losing a parent on purpose.
I haven’t told Jare this, but in my heart, I’m hoping he comes around. I want him to see her the way I see her, as someone who just loves me, no strings attached. Maybe it’s naive, but I believe those kinds of connections are rare, and I’m not ready to let this one go.
For now, I’m doing what I’ve been doing since this whole thing started: balancing. Answering her calls when Jare isn’t around. Keeping our conversations light when he is. Hoping that one day, they’ll meet properly and he’ll understand.
Because the truth is, Somto’s mum isn’t my “ex’s mum” anymore. She’s almost like a second mum, and I’m not sure I can walk away from that.
*Names have been changed to protect the identity of the subjects.
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