On the Streets is a Zikoko weekly series about the chaos of modern dating: from situationships and endless talking stages, to heartbreak and everything it means to be single in today’s world.
Chidinma* (24) has stepped away from dating after two relationships left her struggling with trust. First, she dated a boyfriend who monitored her every move. Then she found herself with a partner whose entire life turned out to be a lie.
In this episode of On the Streets, she opens up about her experiences and how they’ve changed the way she sees love and dating.
What’s your current relationship status and how do you feel about it?
I’m single. After everything I’ve been through, I’ve decided to take a break from dating. I’ve never felt safe in a relationship, and I don’t want to keep putting myself in unhealthy situations.
How did you come to that conclusion? Walk me through your dating history
A lot of my choices were shaped by what I saw growing up, and it wasn’t very healthy.
My mum raised my brother and me alone after my dad died. She was very religious and extremely strict with me. She believed that growing up without a father figure could make me promiscuous. So, whenever she noticed boys giving me attention, she’d publicly embarrass and slut-shame me.
It didn’t help that I also attended a mission school where I was constantly bullied for being antisocial.
Things changed when I got to university in 2019. It was my first time away from home, and suddenly, I had a kind of freedom I’d never experienced before.
I carried a lot of resentment about how I’d been raised, so I wanted to experience everything I’d been denied. That’s how I met Tony*.
Tell me about him
We met online shortly after I resumed in the same university he attended. He followed me on Instagram, I followed him back, and we started talking.
He often visited me at my hostel, and within a few weeks of talking, we hooked up.
He was very bubbly and social, and we went out almost every night. He was a little older and already had a job while studying. At that age, I found that exciting.
When the COVID lockdown happened, I didn’t want to go home. I lied to my mum that I was staying with my roommate’s family, but I’d actually moved in with Tony.
And was that a good idea?
Living together showed me another side of him. He could be nice, but he was also controlling. His mood swings were terrible, and he’d scream at me until I cried.
I hated the situation, especially because we weren’t even officially dating, but I felt I needed to understand him and stick it out. Besides, I had nowhere to go during the lockdown.
Things got even more complicated after I had an abortion.
Oh. How did that happen?
I missed my period and found out I was pregnant. Tony stayed calm and reassuring. Within a few days, he helped arrange an abortion.
The procedure went smoothly, but I felt guilty and struggled emotionally afterwards. Barely a week later he asked me to be his girlfriend. I felt like he was trying to take my mind off everything.
I eventually moved past it, but I was scared of getting pregnant again. Tony wasn’t consistent with protection, and I didn’t want to use birth control, so I started taking emergency contraceptive pills very frequently.
Eventually, my periods became irregular. At one point, I went almost five months without one and experienced intense cramping. I kept taking pregnancy tests, but they were negative. I later realised that I’d been taking emergency contraception far too often and that it was affecting my body.
Tony was very insensitive and dismissive throughout the whole ordeal. He cared more about controlling me.
He monitored where I went and got angry whenever I was somewhere he didn’t expect. I could barely maintain friendships outside my department because of the relationship. Slowly, I fell out of love with him.
Did you consider leaving once you realised how you felt?
Yes. In 2022, I finally told my friends what was happening. They encouraged me to leave.
We waited until Tony was out, then I packed my things and moved in with my friend. I was practically shaking when I called him to say I’d left for good.
He screamed at me over the phone. And I was just thankful that I was out of his reach. Judging from his reaction, I don’t know what would have happened if I’d confronted him in person.
Did you find it easy to move on?
Not really. Even though I’d left Tony, he wasn’t quite done with me. He threatened to harm himself if I didn’t come back. A few weeks later, I agreed to try again. I didn’t tell my friends, and we started talking again.
We didn’t even last a week before we had another fight. I went out with my female friends and posted on my story. He called l, and said he didn’t like what I was wearing because my breasts were showing.
The moment he said it, I just knew he hadn’t changed. I blocked him and ended the relationship for good in 2023.
Did you try dating again afterwards?
Not for many months. I worried that Tony would make my life difficult if he found out I was seeing someone else. Whenever I started talking to someone, I’d often just ghost them.
Thankfully, I finished university and moved to another state. I was nursing dreams of becoming a writer, so I started writing more poetry about my childhood and other experiences.
I also joined a writing club where we met every month to discuss our work and give each other feedback. That’s where I met Andrew* in 2024.
During one of the club meetings, he came up to me and said he could relate with a poem I’d recited about my secondary school. He said he’d also attended a branch of the school.
We started talking, and I quickly became drawn to his warm personality. Within days, I was telling him about some of the things I’d been through. I’d never had a man listen to me that way. He was emotionally aware and always seemed to know exactly what to say.
We started dating in November 2024.
How did the relationship go?
Andrew was really good to me. He was kind and easy to be around.
I also had a soft spot for him because he was selflessly dealing with family issues. A cousin he was close to had kidney problems, and the situation affected him emotionally and financially. He couldn’t even get me a birthday gift because he’d spent the money he had on his cousin’s treatment.
But I soon noticed inconsistencies. He’d tell me stories about his life, but the details sometimes changed. He also exaggerated some things about himself. But I didn’t think they were serious enough to question the relationship.
That changed when I discovered he’d stolen someone else’s work.
How did that happen?
Andrew had shared a story he’d written with our writing club and planned to submit for a prize. We all read it and thought it was beautiful. But at our next meeting, someone accused him of plagiarising it from a Belgian author.
When they compared the two stories, the similarities were impossible to ignore. The characters were different, but the plot and even some of the lines were similar.
At first, Andrew denied knowing the author. Eventually, he admitted he’d read the story but said it had only inspired him and that he’d tried to mirror it.
His explanation didn’t make sense to me, but I still felt protective of him because I thought the group had handled the confrontation badly.
What happened after that?
I initially let the inconsistencies slide. Then Andrew told me he was travelling for a week to visit his sick cousin.
I didn’t question him until he turned off his location. That immediately struck me as strange. I checked his location on Find My iPhone and realised he hadn’t left the city.
I went to his place to confirm. I couldn’t get inside, but I noticed the lights were on.
Without telling him what I already knew, I asked why he’d turned off his location, but he avoided my question. When I asked to video call him, he stopped responding.
Around 6:30 a.m. the next morning he messaged me to say his cousin had died. The timing felt convenient, especially because he’d ignored my calls the night before.
He still refused to answer when I called. Even after he returned, he never posted anything about his cousin or told me what had happened.
I didn’t want to believe he’d lie about something as serious as a death, but my gut kept telling me to dig deeper.
What did you find?
I contacted a friend Andrew had fallen out with, who connected me with his ex.
Andrew had told me he’d ended his previous relationship because she cheated on him. But when I spoke to her, she showed me screenshots that told a completely different story.
She had ended things because Andrew had lied to her and owed her money. I also discovered that they were still together for weeks after Andrew and I started dating.
There were even times when he’d sent both of us the same goodnight messages. At that point, I realised I couldn’t trust anything he’d told me.
Did you ask about his cousin?
She’d known Andrew for a long time and had never heard him mention a cousin who matched the description he’d gave me.
We contacted one of his relatives and had a three-way call. She confirmed there was no such cousin and also revealed that some of the other things Andrew had told me about his family and upbringing weren’t true.
He had even lied about attending the same secondary school.
That’s crazy. Did you confront him?
I did. He doubled down on the lies. When I asked for proof, he said his phone had been flashed and he’d lost everything. He couldn’t show me a single receipt or anything else to prove the cousin had existed.
Instead, he turned everything around on me. He said I had betrayed his trust by speaking to his ex behind his back.
The whole thing became exhausting. Every time I questioned him, another explanation or lie seemed to surface. After days of going back and forth, I finally had enough. I blocked him and ended the relationship in September 2025.
He’d seemed like the perfect partner until everything fell apart at once. I still struggle to understand why he lied when there was seemingly no reason to. It’s been almost a year since everything happened, and I’m still exhausted from the experience.
I can only imagine. How have these experiences shaped the way you see love and relationships?
They’ve taught me to be much more careful.
If you’re going to share your life or even your bed with someone, you need to do your research. Become an investigator if you have to. Don’t take everything someone tells you at face value. Words aren’t enough, you have to pay attention to someone’s actions and make sure you actually know the person you’re trusting.
Andrew came into my life when I was vulnerable. I hadn’t fully healed from my previous relationship, and I think that made it easier for him to take advantage of me. I never want to find myself in that position again.
Finally, how are the streets treating you these days? Rate it on a scale of 1 to 10.
7/10. Single life isn’t so bad. I’m grateful to have friends and a community around me who make me feel less alone.
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