Falling for someone is one thing, but meeting their family is a completely different experience, especially when their dynamics or traditions feel like more than you can handle.

In this piece, nine Nigerians share the exact moments their partner’s family made them uncomfortable and why it made them rethink the relationship altogether.

“They kept a calabash in the money drawer” — Funke*, 51 (F)

In the early 2000s, I courted a guy in university whose grandmother and mum ran a very successful provisions business. He hinted that I could eventually join them, so I’d often help out at the shop.

One day, his mum sent me to get change, but I opened the wrong drawer and saw a calabash filled with strange items.

Maybe it was because ritual-themed Nollywood films were popular at the time, but I couldn’t shake the feeling that something was off about the business. I was too scared to ask questions, but from that moment, I slowly pulled away. 

“They keep the kitchen locked” — Quadri*, 37 (M)

My wife’s family treats food like it has to be earned. The kitchen is always locked, and they’ve even installed padlocks on the fridge and freezer.

If you want water or food, you have to ask my mother-in-law for permission every single time. It doesn’t matter if you’re a visitor or even a child. I find it uncomfortable having to ask for every single thing like a beggar. 

My wife doesn’t do this in our home, but it still bothers me. It makes me think about the kind of environment she grew up in and whether those habits might eventually show up in our own home when we have children.

“They were all dirty” — Chioma*, 26 (F)

My ex was quite unhygienic, but what stood out most was his toilet habit. He often left skid marks in the toilet after pooing.

When I visited his family during his sister’s wedding, I realised it wasn’t just him. The toilets were often left unflushed, dishes piled up, and plates were only washed when needed. I was too irritated to even eat there.

That was when it hit me this wasn’t something he would outgrow, and it wasn’t my job to change him. I couldn’t see myself raising children in that environment.

“Their traditions are exploitative” — David*, 30 (M)

When my fiancée’s grandmother died last year, I travelled with her family to the village for the burial. They’d spent millions, but their tradition required them to present two cows to the elders.

During the service of songs, some men took the cows away without explanation. I later found out they claimed them over an unpaid obligation from a previous death in the family. They even threatened to disrupt the burial if another set of cows wasn’t provided.

What unsettled me most was how quickly everyone accepted it and began scrambling to raise money for more cows. It felt exploitative, and it made me wonder if I could really marry into a family where no one could challenge traditions like that.

“His parents weren’t speaking at their party” — Bimpe*, 29 (F)

My ex and his family kept  malice alot. The first time I visited, his parents weren’t speaking to each other, even though it was his father’s 70th birthday. They sat at the same table, but his mum refused to say a word to him throughout the celebration, and no one found it strange.

My ex also handled conflict the same way. Even as an adult, he would shut down and ignore me when he was upset. Seeing his parents made me realise this wasn’t going to change, and I couldn’t deal with that long term.

“The women in his family were always made up” — Aisha*, 30 (F)

My partner’s family is always fully made up, even at home. His mum and sisters wear full makeup all the time and expect the same from me. His mum once said the women in their family have to be beautiful at all times and that I need to measure up.

It makes me uncomfortable because I’m constantly conscious of my appearance around them. I’ve complained to my fiancé, but he says that’s just how things have always been because of their social status.

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“They have a statue in their living room” — Jacob*, 33 (M)

My girlfriend’s family is deeply religious, but their practices feel extreme to me. They have a large statue of Jesus in their living room that they make supplications  towards. They also hold overnight vigils where water baths are compulsory for everyone.

I’m a Christian too, so it’s not about faith.  Their methods feel overwhelming and unfamiliar. It’s made me question whether I can fully commit to someone whose family expects that level of involvement.

“The boys in their family can’t cut their hair” — Dinma*, 28 (F)

I once dated a man whose family had a tradition where boys couldn’t cut or properly groom their hair until they were teenagers for spiritual reasons. They grew the hair into rough, unkempt ‘dadas’.

Seeing his nephews like that made me uncomfortable. I kept wondering why it only applied to boys and what it really meant. Even though we broke up for other reasons, I still felt relieved that I didn’t have to deal with that tradition.

“His entire family lives together” — Damaris*, 24 (F)

My partner’s family are extremely close knit. It was exciting at first, especially when we visited them in a small town in the west. But being there made me realise just how intertwined they are.

They all live in a large family house with his grandmother, parents, uncles, and eldest brother, except his sister whohas her own place. My boyfriend is the only one who doesn’t live there yet, but it’s clear things are headed in that direction.

They seem nice, but that level of closeness feels overwhelming to me. I value my space, and I’m not sure I’d want to move to a small town and live that kind of life if things get serious.

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