After six years with her first love, Zahra*(26) was certain it would end in a “happily ever after.” But when the relationship collapsed, she stumbled into a rebound that left her heartbroken and forced to make the hardest choice of her life.
What’s your current relationship status, and how do you feel about it?
I’m single. In October last year, I finally got out of a relationship that lasted six and a half years. I’m still trying to recover from that, if I’m being honest.
Wow. Six years is a long time. How did it begin?
It started in December 2017. I was 19, in my second year of uni, and had just started selling jewellery to make some extra cash. Rufai* was one of my customers. He bought rings from me one day, and when he came to pick them up, he texted me later to say I smelled nice.
At the time, I wasn’t paying him serious attention. I had a crush on a coursemate who barely noticed me, so most of Rufai’s attempts went over my head. But he kept texting, and soon we were talking almost every day.
He stopped talking to me for a few days into February. I was pained, because even though I was acting nonchalant, I’d gotten used to him. Then, a few days before Valentine’s, he asked if I could deliver my most expensive jewellery set to him. At the time, that was ₦42,000. I was upset, thinking he wanted to give it to some other girl after leading me on.
Imagine my shock when I found out the gift was actually for me. He surprised me with it and asked me to be his Valentine. That was when I realised how much I liked him. The thought of losing him had really hurt. By March 2018, we were official.
Cute. What were the early days like?
Rufai was very intentional from the start. He planned dates, surprised me with little gifts, and made sure we spent time together. By my third year, I had practically moved into his place. We ate together, studied together, and even ran errands together. His friends became my friends, and he knew some of mine, too.
It felt right to be together. His family lived in Abuja, where we schooled, and mine in Nasarawa, just 30 minutes away. Distance was never an issue. I never looked at anyone else or felt restless, as people usually say about long-term relationships. The only issue was his mum; she never really liked me.
Why do you think so?
The first time I met her properly was in mid-2021. His dad had just died, and Rufai asked me to come for the burial. By then, we’d been together three years. It felt like a big step when he introduced me to his family as his girlfriend.
But his mum looked at me with contempt throughout. I told Rufai, but he brushed it off, saying she was grieving and I was being insensitive. Later, it became obvious she disapproved of me. She didn’t like my piercings or that I sometimes stayed at his place. She also didn’t like that I didn’t cover my hair in some of my pictures. Basically, she just didn’t like me as a person.
Still, it didn’t worry me too much. Rufai wasn’t giving her complaints any audience. I thought when the time for marriage came, we’d cross that bridge.
Curious. Did you two ever talk about marriage seriously?
Mostly vague conversations, but I truly believed we’d end up married. He had finished school by 2022, was working in Abuja, and I planned to serve in the same city so we’d stay close. But NYSC posted me to Osun in March 2023. That ruined our plans.
How?
That was our first real long-distance stretch. At first, it didn’t affect us. We called and video-chatted every day. He visited once, while I visited twice. But by September, I noticed a change in his attitude. He wasn’t as attentive, and I was always first to text and reach out.
The big issue came around my birthday in November. We had planned that he’d visit, but a week before, Rufai cancelled because “he couldn’t get time off work.” I knew it was an excuse and snapped. I said it felt like he was trashing all my efforts. We argued, and in the middle of that fight, he said maybe the relationship wasn’t working anymore.
I asked halfheartedly if he wanted us to break up. He agreed and said that we’d outgrown each other. Two days before my birthday, just like that, it was over.
That must have been hard. How did you process it?
Not well at all. That birthday was the worst of my life. He still sent me a short “Happy birthday” text, but it felt so low-effort. I cried so much. After a week, I tried reaching out to reconcile, but he was firm about the decision.
I couldn’t stop texting him. I even asked him to block me because deleting his number wasn’t enough since I had already memorised it. Surprisingly, he did. That’s when I realised how much of my identity was tied to him. I didn’t know life outside Rufai.
It was like being thrown into cold water. I’d been in the relationship for more than five years, so I didn’t know what it meant to be single. Everything reminded me of him. I didn’t even go home that December like I planned because I was scared of being so close to him.
What made it worse was hearing he’d found someone else. A mutual friend told me, and I was livid. How could he move on so quickly while I still cried myself to sleep?
Did you try to put the relationship behind you too?
I did, but it was out of anger. I started talking to Ibrahim*, a guy I’d left in my DMs for a while. We went on a couple of dates and kissed a few times, but I wasn’t feeling it. The process of starting over felt exhausting.
By April, I completed my service year and got a job in Abuja. That was the excuse I needed to cut Ibrahim off.
Fair enough. Did you run into Rufai?
Yes. Running into him was inevitable since we shared friends. About six months after the breakup, in May 2024, I saw him at a birthday brunch. A friend was throwing a birthday brunch, and she warned me he’d be there. I told her I didn’t care. I avoided him and just said a stiff “hi”. That night, he texted me and apologised for how things ended. We agreed to stay friends.
Did that work out?
Not really. One thing led to another. We kept talking, and eventually, we hooked up. At first, I told myself it was just physical, but feelings don’t disappear like that. Soon, I felt us slipping back into a relationship, even though he was in a relationship.
At some point, I needed clarity and asked about the babe, Halima*. He said they were family friends and admitted his mum had always wanted him to be with her. Luckily, our separation left a vacuum, and they ended up together. Rufai swore his heart wasn’t in it.
He said he still loved me but didn’t know how to leave her without causing drama. He begged me to give him time, which is how I ended up in the awkward position of becoming his side chick.
How did that make you feel?
I hated it. But I told myself what mattered was that he loved me. I didn’t like the sneaking around, but I thought time would sort everything out. Two months in, around late September, I missed my period.
Wow
I wasn’t sure what I wanted to do about the pregnancy, so I waited a couple of weeks before telling Rufai. I was anxious the whole time. Part of me felt scared, but another part thought it could be a step in the right direction. His mum would have no choice but to accept me, and we could finally marry.
When I told him and insisted I was keeping it, he exploded. He called me crazy and accused me of trying to trap him and ruin his life. Then he dropped another bombshell: he was leaving for his Master’s abroad in early 2025. He said I’d be a single mum if I kept the child because he wouldn’t be part of it.
I cried and argued. For a whole week, he ghosted me. Then he sent a friend to beg me, which felt so bizarre. Eventually, with all the pressure, I gave in.
You went through with the abortion?
Yes. By then, I was about two months in. I texted him and said I’d do it. He arranged everything with shocking speed, as if he’d been waiting for me to say those words.
It really hurt me. The physical pain was one thing, but more than that, I felt betrayed. The Master’s was news to me, and I realised he’d just been using me to pass time before leaving. I had given him six years of my life, but when it mattered, he abandoned me.
That was my breaking point. I told him to his face that he was a terrible person, and I cut him off completely. The abortion left me with guilt I still wrestle with, but it also opened my eyes. I’m over him now.
I’m sorry. Did your experience with him change what you want from love?
I used to think love and time spent with someone were the most important things, but now I know it takes more than that. I ignored so many red flags just because of how long we’d been together. It taught me the importance of knowing my worth. I still hope to meet someone who truly values me, but I’ll be more careful next time.
So, how would you say the streets are treating you? Rate it on a scale of 1-10
I’d give it a 7. The streets have shown me shege, but also taught me a lot. I’ve learned more about myself and about love.
Right now, I feel comfortable. I’m focusing on loving myself better so that whenever I step into something new, I won’t lose myself again.
*Names have been changed for anonymity.
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