When you’re dating, sex can feel like a never-ending, thrilling adventure. You’re discovering each other’s bodies, trying new things and finding excuses to sneak in a quickie whenever you can. But what happens when marriage gets in the picture and life gets a little more serious? 

These married Nigerians open up about when sex started feeling boring in their marriages and how they feel about it now.

“We used to have sex during movie scenes” — Ibrahim*, 35

My wife and I were unhinged in the first three years of our marriage. We tried every style of sex you could think of. We even had this thing where, if we were watching a movie and a sex scene came on, we’d get in the mood and start getting intimate too. Then our first child came, followed by the second, and things gradually changed. We still have sex, but it doesn’t feel the same anymore. The thrill and excitement are gone. It’s not that we don’t enjoy each other, but that spontaneity we once had is missing. Sometimes, I miss it.

“I’m always the one making an effort” — Dayo*, 40

I’ve been bored with sex since the first year of my marriage. My wife won’t turn me down, but she doesn’t put any effort into it either. I’m always the one initiating, touching her and spending minutes on foreplay to get her aroused. I hardly get that same energy from her. I’ve brought it up several times, but nothing has changed over the years. It’s always the same routine, and I’m the one driving everything. I don’t know how anyone can do the same thing for years without getting bored. These days, even the thought of sex with my wife doesn’t excite me.

“We’ve abandoned sex midway before” — Nifemi*, 29

I’m someone who gets bored with almost everything, and unfortunately, sex isn’t exempt. Sometimes, it does absolutely nothing for me. There’s no excitement, and even when I orgasm, the feeling disappears so quickly that I barely think about it afterwards. Thankfully, my husband is the same way, so it hasn’t caused problems in our marriage. There have even been times when we abandoned sex halfway because one of us was taking too long to orgasm. I sometimes worry that we’re too young to feel this way, but at least it’s not a one-sided problem. Neither of us is particularly bothered by it.

“Even looking at my husband doesn’t get me in the mood anymore” — Doyin*, 35

I’m currently in that weird space where sex feels boring. Those older people who warned that you’d eventually get tired of it might have been onto something. Before, thinking about my husband or remembering our intimate moments was enough to get me in the mood. Now, I can watch him walk around the house and feel absolutely nothing. When we eventually have sex, it feels more like ticking a box than something I’m genuinely excited about. I don’t like that it has become this way, so I’ve been reading up on how couples can bring back the excitement when sex starts feeling routine.

“We sometimes go six weeks without sex” — James*, 40

I’ve been married for almost ten years, and the truth is, whether you like it or not, sex with the same person can eventually become boring. My wife and I still like each other, but having such easy, everyday access to each other’s bodies has taken away some of the excitement. Sometimes, it feels like we’ve been there and done that. That’s why I prefer spacing out sex these days. We can go six weeks without doing anything, just so there’s time to miss each other and look forward to it again. I think that little bit of longing makes the experience more interesting.

“I enjoy my intimacy toy more than sex with my husband” —  Yetunde*, 38

I always knew my husband was boring, so I prepared myself for a boring sex life. Thankfully, where he falls short sexually, he makes up for it in other ways. He has all the qualities I wanted in a husband and father, and I prioritised those things. I don’t regret that decision. Honestly, I enjoy myself more with my intimacy toy than I do during sex with him. He’s very one-dimensional in bed. He doesn’t try anything new, and he doesn’t even seem bothered that I use toys to pleasure myself. At this point, I’ve accepted that our sex life probably won’t become more exciting.

“My wife only orgasms in one position” — Jessy*, 34

My wife only orgasms in one position, and it’s one of the most frustrating things about our sex life. I’ve tried introducing other styles, but we always end up doing the same thing because that’s what works for her. I’m glad she can orgasm, but she’s become so rigid that sometimes she just wants to get into that position, finish and call it a day. I’ve overlooked it for a while, but sex has become predictable and boring for me. Worse, she sometimes orgasms before me and immediately loses interest, almost as if she’s just waiting for me to finish too.

*Names have been changed to protect the identity of the subjects.