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  • If you haven’t noticed, our last two Twitter spaces and speakers have been intentional about improving women’s sexual experiences. Class is still in session. This time, we’re going beyond what happens with your partner and starting with you.

    The space featured Elizabeth Adewale, a Certified Holistic Sex Educator (CHSE) and Dr Zeenaht Abdullahi, an Obstetrician & Gynaecologist, as speakers. While Hannatu Asheolge. Journalist and Co-Convener of the Sarah project was once again our able moderator.

    Now that our introductions are in order, here are six more things you should know for a better sex life.

    sex

    1.       Get To Know Your Body: Masturbation, Vagina and Vulva.

    Our bodies are the most present and active parts of ourselves when engaging in sexual activity. The mind is also an important factor. But when we’re considering pleasure, it’s best to know what parts of ourselves need engaging. Dr Zeenaht and Elizabeth emphasise the need to know our bodies, especially parts of our sexual and reproductive organs.

    They state the defining difference between the vagina and vulva and what to expect from them. The vulva consists of the outer part, which includes the clitoris and comes in different shapes and sizes. The vagina is the inner reproductive organ. When it comes to hygiene, both advise that women wash the vulva and steer clear of the vagina because of its self-cleaning nature.

    ‘’The most important thing is knowing what normal is, to detect issues. The vagina and vulva are two different things. A normal vagina has no smell at all or could have a mild musty or tangy smell. Sexual exposure, diet and period cycles can also affect the smell of the vagina.’’ – Dr. Zeenaht Abdullahi.

    2.       Explore Activities Beyond Penetration During Sex

    Once we know what and where, it’s important to know how to work with them. When it comes to sex, women often prioritise or limit sexual activity to penetration. While that’s great, Dr Zeenaht and Elizabeth say it’s not necessarily the best way to get a woman where she should be. Our speakers encourage women to explore activities beyond penetration. They specifically encourage clitoral stimulation and oral sex. Foreplay is a good way to get things going.

    Dr Zeenaht and Elizabeth also point out tools that can help enhance women’s sexual experiences. They emphasised the use of lubricants and sex toys. Again, not many women orgasm from penetration alone, and what gets most going is engaging the clitoris. If you’re trying to learn what you really enjoy, they recommend engaging in self-pleasure (AKA masturbation). But no pressure, they understand that this might not be everyone’s comfort zone.  

    We also need to normalise using lubricants. Someone on Twitter recently said only women who have a dry vagina use lubricants, but please, that’s a lie. Research even shows that women who use lubricants are more likely to orgasm.’’- Elizabeth Adewale.

    Also Read: Conversations Nigerians Still Won’t Have About Sex and Women’s Rights

    3.       Look Out For These Common STIs And Problems

    A common mistake women make is not looking out for issues in their bodies or ignoring warning signals. Common reproductive health issues that women often misunderstand and overlook include yeast and bacterial infections. These are usually what result in itchy or odorous vaginas.

    Common STIs include gonorrhoea, syphilis and chlamydia. These issues have similar symptoms, such as itching, pain during urination and sex. Paying attention to our bodies and looking out for these symptoms and warning signs is important. Especially if we’ve been engaging in unprotected sex. Health is wealth, and if we’re supposed to have healthy sex lives, we need to stay in check.

    ‘’These STIs can ascend, meaning they can affect organs in the upper reproductive parts, namely the cervix, fallopian tubes and even the uterus. This can cause issues such as infertility, and if you are pregnant, it can affect pregnancies.’’ -Dr. Zeenaht Abdullahi

    4.       Talk To Your Partners About Sexual Screenings and Contraceptives

    Prevention is better than cure. It’s best not to be in situations where we have to treat STIs and reproductive issues than the opposite. Women need to normalise speaking to sexual partners, either committed or casual, about sexual screenings, protection and contraceptives. It’s okay to prioritise your sexual and reproductive health and lead the conversation.

    Dr Zeenaht and Elizabeth emphasise that women should not feel uncomfortable using contraceptives and buying condoms. Asking potential partners when they last got tested is also very important. It’s better to take precautions to avoid unwanted consequences, including pregnancy. There’s no shame in being careful.

    ‘’Safe sex isn’t about protecting your body physically, but also emotionally and mentally. Ask people when they last got tested. And don’t let anybody make you feel bad for asking. Also, make sure you consent and know when you didn’t. ‘’ – Elizabeth Adewale.

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    5.       Love Your Body And Yourself

    Sometimes, women aren’t sexually comfortable because we don’t feel good about our bodies. And we don’t always feel good about our bodies because of unrealistic social standards. But let’s be real, not everyone has the money to pay for a BBL. Even if you did, chances are the beauty standards will change in a year or two, and the girls who set the scene will probably be on a different set.

    We need to be okay with our bodies and love ourselves for who we are. Giving in to singular beauty standards is unrealistic and unsustainable. We can’t change our bodies whenever something new is in the spotlight. Dr Zeenaht advises women to own their bodies more. Beauty trends are fickle; you are forever. At least for as long as you are alive. People will only appreciate you as much as you do yourself. You set the scene.

    ‘’I don’t think anyone should be the standard of beauty. Women need to own their bodies more. If there is something you don’t like, change it in a way that works for you.’’ – Dr Zeenaht Abdullahi.

    6.       It’s Okay To Take Your Time

    Sometimes, the problem isn’t that we don’t know how to have or want better sex lives. It might be that we’re just not able to. Maybe there’s a mental block or experience that’s limiting our potential. Or something that we can’t seem to get over, and even this is okay. There is room for everybody here.

    Dr Zeenaht and Elizabeth encourage women to take their time. Sometimes, we don’t realise the problem until we’ve talked to someone about it. But it’s important to take our time to build better experiences. Healing takes time, and we need to prioritise patience and compassion in the process. When we do this, we have the opportunity to relearn and unlearn things, not just about sex but even ourselves. We have the opportunity to redefine intimacy, safety and consent.

    ‘’I’ll also say redefine what intimacy, safety, and consent look like. Take things slow and remove yourself from situations that don’t help you. Be with people who respect your pace, people who don’t coerce or rush you.’’ – Elizabeth Adewale.

    Listen to all of what our speakers had to say here. We promise you’ll have a great time.

    And while we’re on the topic, join us today, Tuesday, 19th August 2025, for a special question and answer session on sexual and reproductive health. See more details in the flier below!

    sex

    Read Next: The Songs Making Nigerian Women the Stars of Their Own Love Stories

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  • Sex Life is an anonymous Zikoko weekly series that explores the pleasures, frustrations and excitement of sex in the lives of Nigerians.

    The subject of this week’s Sex Life is a 21-year-old lesbian who finds it difficult to orgasm with partners. She talks about only ever having orgasms she gives herself and having sex for intimacy. 

    Tell me about your first sexual experience 

    One day, my 14-year-old self was taking a shower. And I touched something that felt good. When I went back to my room, I decided to find out what the feeling was. After lights out, I touched myself till I had an orgasm. It felt really good, and it became something I did frequently. Whenever I got the chance, I masturbated. 

    My first sexual experience with someone else wasn’t until a year later. There was this girl in the room beside mine. We’d become very close within our first few weeks of talking, and had progressed from sleeping on opposite sides of the bed, to cuddling each other through the night. 

    One night, she woke me up because she wanted to talk. After a while of staring at me as I spoke, she kissed me. It was a kind kiss, like she was testing the waters. It felt nice. 

    Did it progress past that? 

    No, it didn’t. But after a while, the kisses were very heavy. I wanted to have sex with her, but there were people around and she was hesitant. I walked her back to her room, and she kissed me again. 

    The entirety of my relationship with her constituted of stolen kisses. Then when the school term was over, I transferred to another school and that put an end to it. 

    In the new school, there was this girl I really liked. When I told the new friends I’d made in my all girls’ school, they tried to set us up. It worked, and the girl and I started dating. So even though I’d tried to suppress how I viewed women, because a friend of mine said it was wrong, it didn’t last. 

    Hooking up with her wasn’t anything special. She had long fingers, but it felt like she didn’t know what she was doing. It wasn’t really a comfortable experience. The kisses were nice though because I liked her, but her lips were always cold. We parted ways after she started being abusive toward me. 

    RELATED: Sex Life: My Goal Is to Pleasure Myself Not to Orgasm

    I’m so sorry about that

    It’s okay. She kept trying to put me down and dictate who I spoke to. Then she’d come to beg me with money or ridiculous gifts. 

    The relationship ended just as my secondary school experience was ending. When I got into university, I met a guy, and we started dating. The first time we hooked up was in his mum’s shop. She was gone for some business, and he had to man the shop. I came over to keep him company, but we ended up going into the inner room to have sex.

    How was it? 

    Well, for one, it really helped reinforce the fact that I was a lesbian. I wasn’t interested in his orgasm, and I knew it would not be possible for me to have one anyways. 

    But we dated for about a year and some months. 

    Why did you stay if you were a lesbian?

    I was battling some religious guilt. I’d gotten more involved in religion at the time, and lesbianism seemed like a much worse sin than regular fornication.

    And now? 

    I’m a lesbian with my full chest. The only problem is I’m a lesbian who isn’t having any orgasms that aren’t self-given. 

    How come? 

    I don’t know. After I broke up with the guy, I got involved with two more women. I loved having sex with them, but it was never enough to get me to orgasm. Luckily for me, I wasn’t into sex for the orgasms. 

    What were you in it for? 

    The intimacy. I’ve been a lonely person for as long as I can remember. The only times I’ve felt a sliver of the kind of intimacy I read about in books, was when I was having sex. The eye contact, the way they speak to me and hold me makes me feel wanted. That’s all I needed from sex. If I want to have an orgasm, I can do it myself. 

    However, it made me feel really bad. Like there was something wrong with me that made it impossible for a partner to give me an orgasm, but it wasn’t for lack of trying. I didn’t like knowing a woman I liked might also never fully enjoy sex if her enjoyment relied on making her partner have an orgasm. 

    Do you think there was something they weren’t doing right? 

    No, actually. I just feel like it’s my cross to bear. I enjoy sex, but sex with another person might never give me an orgasm. 

    I do know, however, that when I went on medication for my depression in 2020, having an orgasm by myself became even more difficult. It’s like the medication killed whatever I had left of a sex drive. I couldn’t even masturbate because I felt so dry. It was so bad, I thought I was asexual. But then the doctors switched up my medication and orgasms became attainable and enjoyable again. Still, I haven’t tried sex with another person for a whole year. 

    RELATED: Sex Life: I Chase Orgasms But Medication Makes It Hard

    Why? 

    Well, since intimacy is what I really look forward to when it comes to sex, I can’t hook up with someone I don’t have romantic feelings for. And after my last relationship ended, I haven’t been able to fall in love with anyone. 

    Sure, I’ve bought a vibrator to keep me company, but that takes away whatever form of intimacy I could have gotten from masturbating. I’m not even touching myself. There’s a machine doing the work. 

    How’d you rate your Sex Life on a scale of 1-10?

    A -2. I feel like a burden to everyone I’ve had sex with. I just wish I was normal and could get both intimacy and orgasms from sex. 

    RELATED: Sex Life: I Don’t Enjoy Sex

  • Everyone knows you’re what you eat. This is why we can tell the state of your sex life from your soup preference.

    Egusi 

    Egusi goes with everything, and so do you. As king of the streets, your goal is a fun time, not a long time. Because of how funny and social you are, people are easily attracted to you. You’re also a big ashawo, who gets bored very quickly. That’s why you always end up in love triangles and situationships. 

    Something for you: The Ultimate Streets Starter Pack 

    Ogbono soup 

    Depending on the partner you’re with, you could be a sweet angel or a devil in the sheets. You’re a very passionate lover because you always listen to your partner’s needs and look up ways to spice up your sex life. 

    Pepper soup 

    Come on, do we even have to say it? You like whips, chains, plugs, whatever it is. You’re always down to try new things — the wilder, the better. And even though you try to deny it, you’re only in that toxic relationship because the sex bangs. 


    Efo riro

    You like to stand out. You’re super sexy and an easy 10/10. And because you’re so attractive, you’re often sexualised, which is super stressful cause now you can’t even tell who’s genuine and who just wants knacks. 

    This image has an empty alt attribute; its file name is G-wNcxz2IwA9QCcgcu3uqtd4iy0NKSrUNKqoIY-dawVOSucOF1qQ2PQqhbYHhWmM6asFwoa2NtoYuZy45l9SFpTZzCL0flovbF7fDxbq9P0G1GZyLPR9rb0uDipWXdPBd9ALs2JYYleNiw9nA-YVWNE

    Oha 

    The problem is not that you don’t have game; you just don’t have the time or energy to chase anybody. So you have a few “friends” somewhere whom you call whenever you’re feeling horny. 

    Okro

    One minute you’re the bestie; next minute, you’re lying naked together in bed. You’ve been a sneaky link too many times to count. We just worry that your main partner may drag you on the internet soon. 

    Ewedu 

    We’re not saying you’re boring in bed; you just barely have any personality. You refuse to explore new or exciting stuff, have one partner and only enjoy vanilla sex. Okay, maybe, you’re a little boring, but at least you’re not bitterleaf soup.

    Bitterleaf soup

    Sex where? You’re on your own, no partner, no sex, no nothing. On cold nights, you turn to your Twitter because that’s all the action you can get. 

    Since you’re already here, you should take this quiz and we’ll give you a nickname in bed

  • Sex Life is an anonymous Zikoko weekly series that explores the pleasures, frustrations and excitement of sex in the lives of Nigerians.

    The subject of this week’s Sex Life is a 25-year-old queer woman who loves butts. She talks to me about how a woman eating her ass started her obsession with anal pleasure. 

    Click here if you want to be interviewed for Sex Life

    Tell me about your first sexual experience 

    A few months after I clocked 18, I decided to have sex for the first time. Almost all my friends were having sex, and although they never tried to pressure me, I was curious. I wanted to see what it was like and get the whole hymen-tearing process over with. I introduced the idea to my then-boyfriend, who was excited, so we set a date to make it happen. 

    The day I had sex, he was more nervous than I. I knew I might not enjoy it, but I wanted to just start so we could proceed to have enjoyable sex. 

    RELATED: Sex Life: I’m a Virgin at 27

    How did it turn out? 

    My expectations were really low, but it wasn’t that bad. It didn’t hurt as much as I thought, and when he put it in and started to move his hips, I actually heard a pop sound. It made me laugh a bit because I finally “popped” my cherry. 

    My boyfriend wasn’t as inexperienced as me, so he guided me through many things, like how to move and at what speed. It was nice, and I won’t say it was a bad experience. It just could’ve been better. 

    What would’ve made it better?

    Well, he could’ve cared more about my pleasure than he did. Since he was the more experienced one, he told me things to do that made him feel good. Some of it wasn’t fun, but I did it anyway. He didn’t even try to eat me out. We had sex about four times, he came, and I didn’t. So, I may’ve had sex, but I didn’t have an orgasm. 

    Did you eventually have an orgasm? 

    Yes, but not with him. On my journey to understanding my body more, I decided to try masturbating. A friend of mine had mentioned how her sex life improved when she tried it, so I decided to give it a go. Before then, the closest I’d had to an orgasm was the slight relief I felt when I squeezed my thighs really hard. 

    So I read an erotic book to get horny. Nobody was home when I decided to try it out. I didn’t know what I was doing, but I remember my friend telling me I should just touch everywhere and I’d figure out a rhythm on my own. I did. 

    When the orgasm came, I felt like I had a heart attack, but the good kind. I stopped breathing for a bit, and I started to shake uncontrollably. When it subsided, I fell asleep. I woke up deciding to never settle for mediocre sex again. Orgasms felt great, and I wanted to have them as often as possible. 

    RELATED: Sex Life: I Went From Having Trash Sex to Having 28 Orgasms in a Day

    How did you plan on achieving that? 

    By having as much sex as possible. I mean, touching myself was nice, but it was also limited. I tried to introduce certain concepts to my boyfriend, like getting him to eat me out, but he said it wasn’t and would never really be his thing. He did try to finger me, but I didn’t enjoy that as much. 

    After a couple of months of having not-so-great sex with my boyfriend, we broke up. Then at 19, I decided to use my newfound freedom to explore what I’d actually like, so I started sleeping with many people. Most of them were my friends who had shown interest in me before I got with my boyfriend. 

    They told me it felt like an animal had been let loose in me. I had four men I slept with consistently over a period of time. So although I was having a lot of good sex, it was with only these four men. That was the state of my life for about a year and some months, then I slept with a woman for the first time. 

    Your Sex Life subject could be LGBTQ… 

    LMAO. But yes. At that point, my roster of men had reduced to just two because two of them had found girlfriends, and I was not interested in being the side chick. While I was hanging out with one of the men, he told me about how his female friend thought I was very beautiful, and if I was open to having her join us. 

    I’d never had sex with a woman, but the idea did appeal to me, and 21 was as good an age as any to start. But I told him that before she joins us, I had to have sex with her 1-on-1 to see if there’d be chemistry. She was so beautiful. When he sent me her pictures, at first, I couldn’t believe she thought I was attractive enough to sleep with. 

    The day we linked up, I found myself actually trying to put in an effort because I wanted to impress her. She was really sweet to me but also a little awkward, so I didn’t know what to expect. We talked a bit and drank some alcohol, and then, she asked to kiss me. It automatically became the best first kiss I’d ever had. 

    When we started taking our clothes off, she insisted on eating me out, and I realised why. It was because she was great at it. She momentarily shut down my ability to think and was actually the first person to ever ask to eat me out. She also talked a lot, and I realised I liked hearing the sound of another person’s voice during sex. I came at least twice before she asked me to flip over and she went back to eating me out as I lay arched on my stomach. 

    After a while, she mentioned she wanted to try something with my ass. I had never tried anything there other than a finger, but what she was doing was so good, I trusted her with my care. That’s when I felt her tongue in my bum. Everything felt so good at once that I thought God was going to come down and collect me. Luckily, He didn’t. 

    By the time my orgasm subsided, I couldn’t go on any more. I needed to catch my breath because of how strong it was. Plus, I hadn’t done anything to her so I felt bad. But when I moved to touch her, she told me I didn’t have to, and I should just rest. 

    The threesome with the man never happened because I was too involved in having sex with her. She introduced me to a lot of butt stuff. 

    RELATED: Sex Life: I Prefer Not to Be Touched During Sex

    Poor guy. But tell me about the butt stuff 

    While I was experimenting with different things for vaginal and oral orgasms, I never thought an anal one was possible. It just felt too dirty to attempt. Then I thought of how almost every sexual practice can seem dirty to whoever isn’t interested in it. I was on a purely hedonistic journey; my goal was to enjoy all of life’s pleasures wholly and fully. 

    She was also so patient and kind in explaining all of it to me. She was the first person I tried anal with, and I didn’t know there was a lot of prep that goes into it. I thought all you needed was lube and prayer, but we prepped me for anal over a period of 2-4 days using butt plugs, oils and lube. When I eventually tried it? It felt so amazing. 

    She really rocked my world, and I had a lot of firsts with her, but one thing I really liked was when she did anything with my bum. Spanking it, touching it, penetrating, eating? It was great. We exclusively slept together for some months before we called it off. She fell in love with me, and I wasn’t about that relationship life anymore. I just wanted to have sex. 

    She was out of the picture. What then? 

    Well, I met some other people, but they weren’t as interested in my ass as she was. I was having enjoyable sex, but I knew it could be better. 

    Then I met a man at a party, we went back to his place and did the usual. I stayed the night and he offered to bathe me. After we had our shower, we had sex again, and I decided to try eating ass for the first time. I brought it up to him and he seemed down for it. So, I did it. 

    I didn’t know if I was doing it well, but he looked like he was enjoying himself so much. After he came, I asked him if he liked it. He did. We talked about it, and he told me about his fascination with what he considered the male g-spot. He said women thought he was gay when he brought it up, so he didn’t bother. With him, I was introduced to more things I could do with butts. I was ecstatic. 

    Sounds buttiful. Tell me about them

    Well, he let me peg him one day. My first time wasn’t so great because I’d actually never used a strap-on with anyone, but he taught me how to thrust and keep up the rhythm. One day, I gave him his first orgasm with a strap-on, and I felt like I’d unlocked a dangerous power. 

    Level up

    LMAO. Exactly. The guy and I still see each other occasionally to have sex, and he lets me wear my strap-on sometimes. I enjoy a lot of things during sex, but there’s nothing I enjoy as much as having my butthole stimulated. It could be with fingers, mouth, dildos or penises.

    RELATED: Sex Life: I Own Six Sex Toys and I Want More

    Does it get hard finding people who like it as much as you do? 

    Yeah, I mean, Nigerians aren’t the most adventurous people. A lot of people draw the line at eating ass and having their ass ate. Not so fun for me since it’s my favourite thing to do. 

    That’s why when I find someone who’s interested, I try to hold them tight. I talk to them about it, talk them through it and try to make it as pleasurable for both of us as possible. 

    Do you think more people should give anal activities a try? 

    Absolutely! They shouldn’t cross it out completely. But my advice is don’t try it with just any Nigerian man. 

    I tried to bring it up with a guy once. When he pulled down his boxers, and I got close to his ass, I was repulsed. Chai. Some people are one-kind. I advise you only do it with people whose hygiene you’re sure of, people you trust. When I initiate butt stuff most times, I always make sure we’ve both had a good shower to scrub everywhere scrubbable before we get into it. Some people find it insulting when I insist they have a bath, but that’s their business. 

    How would you rate your Sex Life on a scale of 1-10

    9.5. I’m having a really great time with my five sexual partners. Even the ones who don’t want to have anything to do with asses. My orgasms are frequent, and my skin is glowing. What more can I ask for?

     RELATED: Sex Life: Sex With My Partners Got Better in My 30’s

    Click here if you want to be interviewed for Sex Life

  • Sex Life is an anonymous Zikoko weekly series that explores the pleasures, frustrations and excitement of sex in the lives of Nigerians.

    The subject of this week’s Sex Life is a 25-year-old queer woman who owns half a dozen sex toys and wants more. She talks about her sex toy curiosity, the trial and errors before she found the perfect ones and how she navigates sex with people. 

    Tell me about your first sexual experience

    I’d always known I was queer ever since I was a little child. When everyone did all the variations of “mummy and daddy” play, mine was always with a girl. That’s why it made sense my first time was with a girl. 

    I was 14, and she was someone I’d had a crush on in secondary school. A few weeks after we graduated, she invited me over to her house when no one was home. After a while, we kissed, and she went to lock the doors so nobody could come in. 

    I was new to sexual activities, so I wasn’t comfortable with anything being done to me. Since she was more knowledgeable, she took off her clothes and guided me on what to do. It was really nice just pleasuring her. And after that was done, we went to the bathroom and made out. 

    RELATED: Sex Life: I Prefer Not to be Touched During Sex

    First sexual experience down, what was next? 

    Well, university. Growing up, I stayed home a lot, so being in university was like letting loose. I was very open about my sexuality, so I didn’t lack women to sleep with, but they were usually in serious relationships with their boyfriends or even engaged. Did it bother me? No. It was still great. 

    They would talk about how great sex with me was, and it helped me try to do better. I really enjoyed making sure people had a good time with me. I was young and having sex with all sorts of people. Maybe that’s why I even tried to sleep with men. 

    LMAO. How did that go? 

    It can’t happen. It’s like trying to make two like sides of a magnet attract each other. Sure, I find specific type of men really beautiful because, I mean, I’m queer not blind. But I just couldn’t do it.

    Even if it’s possible for any reason to find intimacy with men outside the platonic, I can’t morph it into sex or anything serious. So, I’m sticking to having sex with women. Then when I was 19, I decided to buy my very first sex toy. 

    Why did you decide to buy one? 

    Well, for as long as I can remember, I’d always wanted one. I would read reviews online from women talking about how sex toys changed their lives, and I wanted to feel what they were feeling. So I bought my very first bullet vibrator. 

    I won’t lie, it wasn’t so great. The vibrations were too strong and it stopped working after a few days, so I gave up on my sex toy journey. But then, two years later, my birthday was around the corner and my friend had asked me what I wanted. I told her a rabbit vibrator. I thought it looked pretty. 

    New vibrator, new you? 

    At all. I didn’t enjoy it. I didn’t like penetration as much, so why did I go ahead and get a fat toy bigger than three fingers to move its head inside me!?!?! 

    Lucking out twice with sex toys made me think people were lying about these things on the internet. 

    While I was still figuring out what to do with the rabbit, I tried the clitoral part of it and that felt nice. So I started doing research on sex toys that offered clitoral stimulation. 

    Did you eventually find one that works? 

    Yes, with the help of one of my coworkers at the time. I don’t remember what we were talking about, but she told me how she got her first wand and how pleasure almost killed her. So she bought one for me. 

    Best in coworker tbh. What was it like when you tried it? 

    I showered first, put on some candles, played some music, then started exploring different parts of my body and the wand’s different modes. I came so much, I started crying. I looked at the toy and kept going “God, abeg”. Honestly, I thought it was trying to take me to see my maker. Never in my life had I had orgasms so intense. I knew I’d found the perfect toy, and it turned me into a sex toy enthusiast. 

    I was preaching the gospel of sex toys to everyone and even bought for some people. The most important thing was it felt so good, I kept buying more. 

    How many do you have now? 

    I have two wands, one clit sucker that might one day kill me, a remote-controlled dolphin-shaped vibrator, a finger vibrator and a butt plug. So, I have six, but I want more. 

    Sex toys have really helped me connect with myself to find more places I could touch to evoke things. Every time I think my body is used to one thing, I get a new sex toy, and it’s like, “Surprise! Here’s something you didn’t know your body could do”. 

    The end goal is to have at least a dozen and keep them in a little room. 

    RELATED: QUIZ: Which Sex Toy Are You?

    And what about sex with other people? 

    That’s still great. Sometimes, I introduce toys to my partners; other times, I don’t. The first time I tried it, I was 22 and was boasting about how the sex toy would make her see heaven. She not only saw heaven but brought the rains of heaven all over my body and sheets. It was amazing to watch. 

    A lot of people think once you start using sex toys a lot, you can’t have sex with other people, and that’s just not true. Yes, my toys are great, but sometimes, you crave physical connection. A clit sucker doesn’t mean I’ve forgotten how great it is to have a real tongue. In fact, sometimes, I forget I have the toys. Then when I’m feeling it, I use them.

    Human connection and sex toys can coexist, and it won’t ruin your life. You’d have the best of both worlds. 

    Interesting. Anything else you’ve learnt from using all those sex toys? 

    Well, for one, just because a sex toy made your friend orgasm till they couldn’t walk doesn’t mean it’ll work for you. People’s bodies are different, which means they react to sex toys differently. 

    Also, even if wands are your go-to sex toy, it doesn’t mean every wand will work well. They’re made by different companies with different speeds, modes and other things. There might be some trial and error, but if you know the kind of pleasure you’re looking for, you’d figure it out. 

    What’ll you rate your sex life on a scale of 1-10?

    An 8.9. I’m having pretty great sex. Now when I consider trying a new sex toy, it could be for myself or one I want to try with someone else. If it works, great. If it doesn’t, I dump it and try another one. 

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  • Sex Life is an anonymous Zikoko weekly series that explores the pleasures, frustrations and excitement of sex in the lives of Nigerians.

    The subject of this week’s Sex Life is a 29-year-old man who’s spent most of his sexual life making up for not knowing women could have orgasms. He talks to us about researching how to be a better partner and how he thinks he’s all sexed out.

    Click here if you want to be interviewed for Sex Life

    Tell me about your first sexual experience

    I was kind of a church boy, so I never did anything more than kiss here and there, but that changed one day. 

    When I was 17 years old and in 100 level, I had a girlfriend. One night, she came to my room and we started kissing; she wanted to have sex. I tried to play it cool, but since I thought girls had their sexual organs in the same place as guys, I was humping the vulva excitedly. When she guided my penis into her vagina, I lost it. I didn’t last for up to a minute and came shaking all the way. 

    I had mixed feelings because I felt I didn’t do too well but was also happy I‘d just bust my first nut. I realised I had to step up my sex game either way. 

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    LMAO. How did you plan on doing that? 

    Well, I did a little research. I read a book that taught me how to pleasure a woman’s body. I also watched a lot of porn to know how to have oral sex, what sexual positions to try and to help me masturbate so I could control my body more. 

    The first time I tried to masturbate, I was watching porn. While they were getting at it, my dick was hard and I started stroking it. It was a bit painful, so I went to get soap on my hands and it felt really good. 

    RELATED: Sex Life: Masturbation Came After Sex

    And sex? 

    I went abstinent for a year till I’d figured it out, and it helped that my girlfriend and I had broken up during this period. I was able to fully stay away from sex.  

    A few months after I’d clocked 18, I had another girlfriend. This time, I was ready to put into practice all I’d learnt. Before our first time together, I’d masturbated to remove the anxiety so I won’t cum too quickly. 

    When she came over, I made sure there was a lot of foreplay. I kissed and touched her in all her erogenous zones and gave her head. She was ecstatic, and I was feeling like a man. I could see a bit of satisfaction in her eyes. I also lasted longer than the last time, but I still felt I hadn’t done enough. 

    Ah. Why? 

    Because at that time, I didn’t know women could have orgasms. All the research I did about having better sex was just so I could last longer and feel better about myself. It was very selfish. I thought after I came, the party was over. It wasn’t until I met another woman during my service year that my perspective changed. 

    How?

    We met at my PPA and went to a party together. She moved to me and we went back to my place. She was very communicative about what she wanted and how she wanted it. That’s when I realised it was something I’d lacked in my previous sexual encounters. I didn’t ask questions, and they didn’t talk to me. 

    Having sex with her that day, at the ripe old age of 22, was when I made a woman orgasm for the first time, and something shifted in me. I realised you have to make your woman feel good because when it comes to sex, she’s the priority. And communication is very important. 

    How did you know she actually had an orgasm? 

    She was clawing at my back and shouting “I’m cumming, babe”. I think that covers it. 

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    Fairs. How was sex like after this discovery? 

    We had sex every day. 

    Were you not tired? Hungry? Employed? 

    LMAO. I was, but we kept trying out so many new things. We’d role play, try new positions and just find new ways to have sex. It was wild and fun. She even tried to peg me, but it hurt and we didn’t try it again. 

    I wanted to marry her, so we had to get genotype testing. Unfortunately, that’s when we both discovered we were AS, and we had to end the beautiful relationship. 

    I’m so sorry

    Thank you. I mean, we cut our losses and moved on. 

    I was ready to put all the new information I’d gathered to use. And getting women wasn’t difficult for me because I knew how to talk to them, but I couldn’t have sex with women I wasn’t emotionally invested in. It means we’d both have to feel comfortable enough to talk about the things we’d like to do. 

    It was fun and interesting for a while, but I think I’ve gotten to the point where my sex life has dwindled. At this point, there are only three things I haven’t done. An orgy, a threesome and sex with a foreigner. So, there’s nothing about sex I find exciting anymore. 

    I’m just trying to find someone I like very much so I can settle down. My goal was to make up for all the women I had sex with and didn’t give orgasms, and I’ve done that. 

    Rate your sex life on a scale of 1-10

    7. I’ve had great sex up until this moment, and I want to just lock down my person. 

    Click here if you want to be interviewed for Sex Life

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  • Sex Life is an anonymous Zikoko weekly series that explores the pleasures, frustrations and excitement of sex in the lives of Nigerians.

    The subject of this week’s Sex Life is a 27-year-old virgin. She talks about how she’s only been kissed twice, her inability to orgasm when she masturbates and waiting till marriage to have sex. 

    Click here if you want to be interviewed for Sex Life

    Tell me something interesting about your sex life

    When I was 12 years old, we had a jumat session in school that centered around chastity and modesty for Muslims. After the session, I decided I wanted to wait till marriage to have sex. 

    So, you’ve never done anything sexual since then?   

    Not really. When I was 13 years old, I masturbated for the first time. I was the only one at home because it was during those long JS 3 holidays. I enjoyed reading erotica and historical romance books with very descriptive sex scenes in them. I was reading one of such books when I found myself rubbing and grinding against the pillow. Since it was one of the rare moments I had the entire house to myself, I went at it for a bit. I like to consider it as the day I discovered what my vagina could do. Before then, I’d only considered it for sex and reproduction; discovering orgasms was very nice. 

    Did masturbation become a regular thing? 

    Not at all. When I resumed school, I didn’t even try it again. In university, I neither had the privacy nor time to dwell on sexual attraction not to talk of masturbating. I was trying to focus in school plus I had to share accommodation. 

    RELATED: Sex Life: I’m Trying to Break My Masturbation Addiction

    Damn 

    When I was 18, I kissed a guy for the first time. I’d met him during night class and, according to him, as I was talking animatedly with my friends, he got mesmerised. I didn’t like him, but he kept asking me to be his girlfriend. The only reason I agreed to even date him was because it seemed like the next step for me. I was in my first year, and all my friends had boyfriends. 

    So, back to that kiss 

    The night I agreed to date him, he kissed me while we sat in his friend’s car. He kept biting at my lips, and I couldn’t reciprocate whatever it was he was doing because I wasn’t feeling him at all. My body was refusing to respond. I just kept waiting for the kiss to end. 

    Bad first kisses<<<< Did you try kissing again after that? 

    Yes, I did. When I was 20, I met another boy. I saw him and instantly liked him. It was easy for me to agree to date him. We were on holiday when the relationship started, so most of it was over the phone. As the conversation progressed, I wasn’t sure I fucked with him, but I didn’t want to jump to conclusions because we hadn’t seen each other properly. I also remembered how quickly I ended things with the last guy. 

    When we did eventually resume school as a couple, I realised as much as I liked him, I wasn’t sexually attracted to him. We hung out a few times, and during one of those times, he kissed me. Unlike the last guy I kissed, I tried to put in a lot of action, but I still didn’t enjoy the kiss. I endured the relationship for another few weeks before ending it. 

    Honestly, the most I’ve ever done with a guy is sext, and even that was hard because not only was it something I’d never done before, I was sharing a room with my cousin. I tried my best, and I hope all my years of reading romance novels didn’t waste. 

    RELATED: Sex Life: Religious Guilt Made Me Suppress My High Sex Drive

    Does the whole waiting till marriage thing get hard? 

    Very. At first, it wasn’t so difficult, but then, I clocked 25 and my sexual urges doubled. I started thinking about sex so much. If you could peep into my brain, 90% of the thoughts are about sex. My body just wants to have sex. That’s when period, ovulation and just regular horniness started. So, I decided to try masturbating again. 

    How did that go? 

    Unfortunately, I haven’t been able to recreate the orgasm from the first time when I was 13. The most I get is a mild tingling sensation in my legs. Maybe that’s why I don’t do it more than two or three times a year. I’ve thought of trying toys, but I live with my mum and there’s no privacy in that house. No matter where I hide it, it’ll be found and I’d get into trouble. 

    Omo, till marriage then fr 

    I’m kinda resolved about that decision. I’m certain except something completely out of my control happens, I won’t have sex outside of marriage. I’ve already done 27 years, what’s a little more? This is me assuming I’ll be married in a few years. Maybe we should do an update if I’m still unmarried at 40. My choices might’ve changed. But, for now? I’m holding up by reading romance novels, watching rom-coms and navigating the pornsite that’s Twitter. 

    LMAO. I’ll hit you up in 13 years. But I also want to know why you are holding on to a decision you made when you were 12?  

    The first thing for me is my religion. I’m not perfect, but Allah doesn’t need my perfection; he needs my effort. I’m not even supposed to kiss, make out, etc. I’ve clearly failed in the foreplay part, and I can’t even hit my chest and say if I find someone now, I won’t kiss or touch them. But that’s also why dating go on for too long, so you don’t fall into temptation. 

    Asides from religion, I’m not a casual-sex type of person. It’s the reason why I haven’t been able to lockdown any relationship long term. I don’t see myself popping the cherry randomly, and at this stage of my life, I’m out to meet people who are also waiting till marriage. In fact, one of my greatest fantasies is marrying a virgin so we get to learn about sex and each other’s bodies from scratch — two novices trying to hack sex no matter how long it takes. 

    Interesting. Humour me and rate your Sex Life on a scale of 1-10

    LMAO. A -10. I’m not having any sex, but I’m constantly horny. It makes me frustrated. 

    Click here if you want to interviewed for Sex Life

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  • The subject of this week’s Sex Life is a 31-year-old man battling a masturbation addiction. He talks about his journey from hating masturbation to doing it multiple times a day, discovering he had premature ejaculation and breaking his addiction. 

    Click here if you want to be interviewed for Sex Life

    Tell me about your first sexual experience

    When I was a child, I saw a lot of things I shouldn’t have seen on TV, a lot of 18+ sexual content. And I wanted to recreate those things I saw. There was a girl who lived close to my house, and one day, we snuck to the back of her house, kissed and touched each other. Luckily, we stood up just before some adults came to the back and could’ve caught us. 

    Did you like it? 

    Yes, I did. It was nice to replicate the things I saw on screen, like the kissing and breast grabbing. I liked it so much I continued doing it, although not as frequently as I’d like because, even though I was exploring my sexual desires, I was still a church boy who thought it was a sin. 

    But when I was 17, I had penetrative sex for the first time. However, it wasn’t a worthwhile experience. It didn’t last long, but I chalked it up to inexperience and anxiety. It wasn’t until we broke up and I tried foreplay with another girl I realised there might be a problem. 

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    What happened? 

    Well, she wasn’t interested in anything other than foreplay. She didn’t even let me touch her breasts because she said her biology teacher told her that touching breasts would make them fall, but I accepted anyway. So while we were making out, I realised I had cum. That was the beginning of a massive problem for me. 

    I realised I might suffer from premature ejaculation, so I started reading up on what it’s about. Then I stumbled on a section of the internet that said that a way to prevent premature ejaculation was to masturbate, and I decided to try it even though I was not too fond of masturbation. 

    Why did you hate masturbation?

    I attended a boys’ only secondary school, and in school, there was this guy who was more experienced than the rest of us and never shut up about how many girls he had slept with or how much he was masturbating. 

    I tried it because he talked about it, but nothing made sense. I felt it was a waste of time because why are you touching your penis to two people having sex. Why not just have sex too? But because I had heard it helped with premature ejaculation, I decided to try it again. It felt so good when I was cumming. So good that I wanted to try it again and again till I became addicted to masturbation. 

    From hating to addiction. How did that happen? 

    Well, the feeling was good, and I wanted to replicate it. Plus, since I was very picky with the women I had sex with, it was a good alternative. It became something I turned to whenever I felt a kind of way emotionally. I’d masturbate when I felt sad, stayed on my phone too long, or was about to sleep at night. I also had the websites I went to watch porn. 

    At some point, when I was at the university, I had to pray and fast against it because it was already becoming irritating to me. I was still heavily involved in church at the time, and when the drama unit I was a part of told me to act as the Messiah, I couldn’t do it. I knew I was struggling with something, and I felt too unclean to do the role, but I eventually did. 

    I’m so sorry. Did it at least help with the premature ejaculation? 

    Unfortunately, it didn’t.  The few times I had a chance to have sex with a woman, I was either cumming too early, or I was struggling to get hard. That’s how erectile dysfunction came in. 

    That’s why I don’t think I’ve ever had good sex. When I was 28, I had sex with this woman, and after about three to four strokes of penetration, I came. It’s embarrassing. I think there’s no lady I’ve had sex with that’ll want to try it again. 

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    How do you know that? 

    They never say anything after it happens. It’s like they feel some shame. I’d have loved a conversation, but I don’t think many women think it’s something to talk about. 

    So you’ve never had good sex? 

    The closest thing I’ve had regarding good sex was when I was 29. It was with a babe I had known for ten years. Before she came over, I had told her about the premature ejaculation issue, but she made me feel comfortable. When we eventually got down to it, I could penetrate and last a bit longer than usual. 

    Why’d you thought so? 

    Maybe because I told her about it beforehand or perhaps because I’ve known her longer? I don’t know. The whole thing stumped me because I have even tried all these herbs and fruit combos people always say helps with erectile dysfunction and premature ejaculation, but they don’t work. That’s what led me to see a doctor. 

    How did that go? 

    Well, it’s actually two doctors I’m seeing. One said my problem could be as a result of anxiety while the other told me to start exercising and not do anything to stimulate me. Then, we’d see how it goes from there. I’ve been abstinent for two weeks and I don’t think I’ve ever gone this long without masturbating. 

    What do you hope to gain from this process? 

    To finally enjoy sex and get totally free from this masturbation addiction. 

    Any regrets? 

    It might seem strange, but I don’t have any. I believe life is never a mistake and you just have to learn from the things that happen to you. It hurts that I got trapped by something I initially hate, but it’s all part of life. I believe that I’ve learnt a lesson that’ll be useful to some other people and maybe even my own children if I get to have them. 

    How’ll you rate your sex life on a scale of 0-10

    LMAO. A -2

    Click here if you want to be interviewed for Sex Life

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  • Sex Life is an anonymous Zikoko weekly series that explores the pleasures, frustrations and excitement of sex in the lives of Nigerians.

    The subject of this week’s Sex Life is a 31-year-old woman who doesn’t enjoy sex. She talks about the various ways she’s tried to spice up her sex life and realising sex isn’t something she’ll ever enjoy. 

    Click here if you want to be interviewed for Sex Life

    What was your first sexual experience like?

    When I was 16, I met this boy who’d just moved into the estate I lived in. We met on the road when he asked me for directions. He was a year older, and we attended the same church. I didn’t have a lot of friends my age, so from then on, I looked forward to the time we spent together. 

    One day, while his parents were out of town, he asked me to come over. I did, and we got to talking. We were watching this movie I had no interest in when he asked if he could kiss me. I agreed mainly because I was curious. I’d kissed a couple of people before, but he was different. I liked him. After we kissed, he asked if I wanted to take it further and have sex. I agreed. We went to his room; he used a condom and was very gentle. That’s how I had sex for the first time. 

    What was it like? 

    I’ve heard stories of how it’s supposed to be painful, and how much blood is usually involved, but it wasn’t like that. There was a slight pinch and no blood. 

    I also didn’t know what to do, so I lay there while he did everything. It didn’t last long, and I won’t describe it as an enjoyable experience. It was just something I did. It’s not like he did anything wrong. I didn’t know why I didn’t enjoy it. 

    So after the first time, did it become a regular thing? 

    Like a month later, he asked me to be his girlfriend. I liked him, so I was excited. Since we lived in the same estate, it was a lot easier to hang out. We’d take walks together, and when our parents weren’t around, we’d invite the other over. It usually ended with sex. 

    I noticed nothing changed for me the more we had sex. Sure, I knew a few more things to do, but I wasn’t enjoying it. I just kept having it because he liked it, and I wanted him to be happy. We broke up a few months after because of school. We knew we liked each other, but not enough to deal with going to different universities and its problems. 

    So what did you do about not liking sex? 

    Initially? Nothing. Then I got to university, and everyone was talking about how great sex is, so I decided maybe I wasn’t having sex the right way. My ex was soft and gentle, and I thought that was the problem. When I met another guy I liked, and we wanted to have sex, I told him to be rougher. He spanked me and did a lot of stunts, but I wasn’t enjoying myself. I kept asking myself what was wrong with me? 

    It became a routine. I’d meet a cute guy, get to talking, and when we’re having sex, I’m just there, riding dick, getting eaten out because that’s supposed to make me cum. And yes, there are a few orgasms here and there, but no pleasure. Just me feeling tired and hungry afterwards. 

    For how long did this go on? 

    At least, six years. It was frustrating because I’d like these men, form romantic connections with them; we’d flirt, I’d get flustered, wet, turned on, but then the sex was always flat. My body is reacting the way it does to stimulus and whatnot, but as a person, I feel “there”. 

    RELATED: Sex Life: Vaginismus Isn’t Letting Me Enjoy Sex

    Why did the routine stop? 

    Well, I did something incredibly ridiculous. At least, in my opinion. I agreed to have a threesome with a friend and her boyfriend. I’d never been attracted to women like that, but a part of me kept thinking maybe the reason I wasn’t enjoying sex was I had it with the wrong people. 

    But I was too chicken to actually test the theory. I’ve never been someone to ask people out. Plus, with the way I was going about my routine, I don’t think any queer woman interested in me would think I was queer too. 

    Anyways, when she asked, I was kind of excited. Her boyfriend wasn’t the finest man in the world, but she described sex with him as if he was the best fucker on Earth. So I thought if sex with her didn’t work, maybe he’d be the one to actually make me like sex. 

    And? 

    I realised I was a heterosexual woman and threesomes might even be worse than sex with one person. 

    LMAO. What happened? 

    Well, in the “threesome”, I wasn’t actually allowed to touch the man. Neither was he allowed to touch me. My heterosexual friend and I were to kiss and touch each other while he watched. I didn’t enjoy being watched like that. It kinda creeped me out, but I stuck to it because I’m not a quitter. Very bland experience in my opinion. I would never attempt a threesome again.

    But it did make me ask myself a few questions. Why was I so desperate to like sex? Like, there are other activities or things I don’t like, but I wasn’t going out of my way, trying to force myself to like them. Why was sex different? 

    RELATED: Sex Life: Sex Felt Like an Exam I Had to Pass

    Well, why was sex different? 

    It’s not a regular occurrence for people to not like sex. Everyone who’s having it speaks about it with such high praise, it makes you feel like if you’re not enjoying it, there’s a problem. Like you’re broken.

    Before, I thought maybe I hadn’t found the kind of sex I liked, but I spent six years searching. I was fucking people because I wanted to see if something would click and sex would become enjoyable for me, but it never happened. 

    I’d spent time and resources trying to figure out why I didn’t enjoy sex, which made no sense because I also didn’t enjoy pounded yam, but I wasn’t trying to figure out why. I took it as a part of life and kept it going. That’s when I realised, yeah, there’s nothing wrong with me. It’s okay to not enjoy sex. 

    Does that mean you never had sex again? 

    No, not that. I still have sex. I even had sex a few days ago. It’s just I’ve stopped beating myself up because I didn’t like it. The sex was nice. I had an orgasm and so did the person I had sex with, but that’s where it ends. Nice. 

    Not enjoying sex doesn’t mean I don’t feel sexual attraction. I do. I get horny and all of that, but for me, sex is a means to an end. I scratch my itch and that’s it. Remember how I said I don’t like pounded yam? Having sex is like eating pounded yam when I’m hungry. My body needs food and pounded yam is food. I finish my plate and might even ask for more. It’s not because I like it, but because my body needs it. 

    We’ll come back to not liking pounded yam later. How would you describe your sex life on a scale of 1-10? 

    I’d say a 5. It’s just there. I’m having sex when I want to, but I’m not going out of my way to. 

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    Click here if you want to be interviewed for Sex Life

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