We can’t say what was going through the minds of the man who made the first social network–a platform called Six Degrees created in 1997. We do know that he definitely couldn’t have foreseen how Nigerians would step into social media platforms like…
As we’ve done with jollof rice, highlife and Vans, Nigerians have left their very delible mark on social media.
But for every set of young creatives showcasing their work to the world with a hashtag, there’s an annoying influencer who can stop tweeting.
These are the most annoying types of Nigerians on social media. Why? Because one minute, you’re watching cringe-worthy IG stories; the next day, you have malaria.
You can’t explain how these things harm people but you can, at least, run from them.
The Twitter Fact Accounts
This one is a bit personal because a popular fact account blocked me. My transgression? Pointing out that one of his facts was incorrect.
I even sent a link to the actual fact, because what use is your fact if it isn’t, you know, factual.
But these fact accounts don’t care. All it takes is for something big to happen like say a concert, and your entire TL is covered in tweets like “Davido is the first musician from Africa to have his music played on the moon”.
The more retweets it gets, the truer it becomes.
The Wannabe Music Journalist
Music was made to be listened to, right? Like just play it, be happy and go.
So I must have missed the memo when every person with an Apple Music subscription decided to analyse every single song and offer their thoughts on why Peruzzi will not blow unless he starts singing Trap.
I just hope you people can add these years of unsolicited consultancy to your CV.
The Full-Time Influencers
Charlie is an influencer. It says so in his bio.
Charlie swears he can get his followers to do anything he wants. Charlie has 17k followers on Twitter – 11k of them live in Hong Kong. He follows 18k.
Each morning, Charlie sends out a series of tweets and IG posts with different hashtags. Then he calls his friends to help him retweet and help his hustle.
Charlie also makes asinine comments about trending topics to extend his influence.
Charlie is a fraud.
The Outrage Merchants
The 22-year-old woman who sees everything done by Nigerian men, including new music from Davido, as an act of patriarchy.
The ‘profeshuna’ who wrote a whole ass thread because someone sent an emoji in a work email.
Some random guy in Ihiala who’s in Wizkid’s comments asking why he doesn’t make music with Igbo artistes.
The Anti-Feminist Warriors
These guys are in a super Whatsapp group where they plan out their activities. Usually, they decide on a mundane topic to talk about, like why today’s women don’t rub their husbands’ stomachs after a heavy meal because of feminism.
They decide which of their leaders will tweet first. Then they all furiously follow up by tweeting about that time they paid for a woman through school and she left them.
After a hard day’s work, each soldier DMs “Hey beautiful” to the same girl he’s been trying to strike a convo with since Sunday Mba won Nigeria the Nations Cup in 2013.
The Merchants Of Gloom
If you don’t like this photo, you will die after three working days. Guess what? I’m still alive, bitch. Geddifok with your negative energy.
All your employers are thieves, please.
There’s no space for you on any moral high ground.
Tweet your fake news and campaign promises and go.
The People Who Can’t Hide Their Lack Of Home Training
One of the best parts about social media is the anon life.
It’s also one of the worst things because it can afford an unnamed pervert from Nowhere, Nigeria the chance to be as vile as he wants–with next to no repercussions.
He’s the one who’s responsible for posting that perverse video on Twitter that you played at work and almost got fired.
He’s the one who quotes all pro-feminism tweets with vile tweets about people’s mothers.
Dun worry though. One day, he’ll tweet a selfie by mistake and we’ll find him.
The Virtue Signallers aka Pick Me Twitter
“I saw a homeless man today. He asked me for money to buy bread but I gave him 60000 naira to rent a place and get a new phone. I’m so grateful that God uses me to help you”
“It hurts me so much to see people living in such poverty. That’s why I make sure my dad pays our gateman enough to have an okay life. So proud.”
“Discussing feminism with my guys and this one says his wife must cook for him. We’re in 2018 bro. I just need my wife to enjoy and use me as her footstool.”
Yes, that’s right. Because even though most of you have sense, you just do weird things once in a while.
This reminds me of one of my smartest friends who deemed it fit to post a screenshot of his January account balance on Instagram stories.
Proof that silliness befalls everyone from time to time.