Welcome. What you’re about to read is a light-hearted look at what happened this past weekend in the English Premier League, as told by one ardent fan. It won’t help you find the best ‘over 2.5’ odds to bet on but we promise you’ll love it.

Any Chelsea fans here? Remember when we all wanted Maurizio Sarri, our club’s chainsmoking former manager, to leave just because we lost two games in a row? Haq haq haq. Who woulda thunk that it could get worse? Who knew, for the love of God, that months later, we’d be watching that same team run around like blindfolded toddlers? The new Premier League season is here guys, and as I type this, there are blue tears inna mi eyes.

380 matches. 38 weeks. 20 teams. One winner. Whether you watch football or nah, it’s really hard to escape the English Premier League. It’s what bae really wants to watch when he tells you he’s too sick to come out for drinks on Saturday afternoon. It’s the real reason your gambling addict/Maths teacher flogged differently on Mondays. Basically, it’s a part of your life.

I became a fan of Chelsea, one of England’s greatest clubs in 2005, at the ripe old age of 11. You know Chelsea: Terry, Lampard, Drogba, the human Duracell battery known as N’golo Kante. Since then, I’ve seen great moments and cried a few thug tears (Fuck you, 2011 Fernando Torres and 2018 Morata). For me, and most EPL fans for that matter, the new season promises a lot of twists.

So how did the Boys in Blue perform on the opening week?

Like a bunch of drunk Boy Scouts in an Oshodi street fight.

But let’s backtrack a little.

Chelsea has a (bad) reputation for changing managers with alarming frequency. So, not many people were surprised when Maurizio Sarri packed his bags after just one year and moved to Turin, home to Cristiano Ronaldo & Juventus in May.

Up stepped Chelsea legend, Frank Lampard. See, we all knew Frank was green as a field of grass. Sure, he’s Chelsea record goalscorer. But he took the job with only one year of experience as a manager at a lower division club, Derby. For context, it’s almost the same as asking Burna Boy to become the Minister of Culture because he made a great album. (On second thought, this wouldn’t be such a… nvm)

So why were we surprised when on the first game of the season, Chelsea got assaulted by Manchester United and a trio of kids?

Kurt Zouma is an MMA fighter moonlighting at my club, and I want him out.

A bit of backstory. Chelsea was banned from recruiting any players this season, thanks to a stupid decision to sign underage players a while ago. Plus Real Madrid tapped our best player, Eden Hazard. To make up for our loss, we turned to an army of talented youngsters who had spent the last few seasons cutting their teeth at smaller clubs. What they didn’t tell us was that some of them, like the rigid sack of bricks known as Kurt Zouma, had picked up other professions. Mixed Martial Arts, to be specific.

Kurt Houma-ing.

If I was worried about the prospect of staring the season against United, my heart fell into my stomach when Zouma got the ball barely 6 minutes in. The man looked around, covered it in gift wrap and passed to an opponent. Thankfully, that danger was averted. But Zouma had other plans. 

Minutes later, he channelled his inner Israel Adesanya and hacked down Marcus Rashford, giving away a penalty that resulted in United’s first goal. And so he continued, using his legs like a chainsaw, passing to some mystery woman in the stands and being as useful as a cardboard cut-out until voila, 4-0.

I wish I could blame Zouma alone but I can’t.

Too many people played a role in hurting me this Sunday. There’s Tammy “Don’t pass to me if you want me to pass back” Abraham and Ross “Where’s everybody?” Barkley. Simply put, the entire Chelsea team was a bleeping mess. I had to go watch Hassan Minhaj’s show on Netflix to remind myself that more serious problems exist in the world. Father, be a magician and fix these boys.

I heart you, David Luiz. Come back home, plis.

What most Chelsea fans were thinking after the 2nd goal went in.

Elsewhere, Liverpool and Manchester City have started again.

Some context. Last time out, Liverpool and City were in a race to the wire for the title. Both have great players like Mo Salah & Raheem Sterling and great coaches too, in Jurgen Klopp and Pep Guardiola respectively.

You know what they say about elephants fighting and grass suffering? Long story short, both teams were beating opponents by obscene margins like 7-1 as either team tried to keep the pressure on the other. City eventually won the title, but if you thought that was a one-off scenario, you obviously dunno what’s going on here. Just look below.

Elsewhere, former big club, Arsenal managed a win against Newcastle. There were wins too for Spurs, one of the best teams to watch & home to the most English human being alive, Harry Kane, and Brighton.

Where do we go from here?

The league continues next week with another round of matches. Frankly, I don’t know if I can take such heartache so early on. I have friends who support Arsenal; I know how these things begin. Cassh me here next Monday to know if I’ve severed ties with Chelsea. Also, you should share this with all your football-loving friends. Maybe we’l get one of them, preferably a Liverpool fan, to send in their thoughts soon.

See y’all in a week.

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Zikoko amplifies African youth culture by curating and creating smart and joyful content for young Africans and the world.