Sex Life: BDSM Is The Way And The Truth


March 21, 2020

Sex Life is an anonymous Zikoko weekly series that explores the pleasures, frustrations and excitement of sex in the lives of Nigerians.


The subject of this week’s Sex Life is a 30-year-old bisexual woman who discovered BDSM (Bondage / Discipline / Dominance / Submission / Sadism / Masochism) in her early 20s and has vowed never to have any other kind of sex. 

When did you first become curious about sex?

After reading one nonsense Harlequin romance book. I was in JSS 3 and we had just finished Junior WAEC. I was bored all the time, so I started reading my sister’s romance novels. From reading her novels, I discovered porn and I couldn’t stop watching. Anytime I read or watched, I’d feel a little tingling between my legs. Then one day, I was watching this American movie. Can’t remember the name. But there was a scene I replayed like 100 times. By the 101st time, there was a pillow between my thighs and I was masturbating. 

Lmao. With a pillow?

Omo, I’ve used weirder things —  remote controls, just over my underwear on my clit, not inside oh, books etc. Anything that gets the work done. 

You had never masturbated before? 

Nope. 

And you had no prior sexual experience?

None at all. But from reading all those books, I knew what masturbation was and it felt so freaking good. Jesus Christ. I was crying when I finished — I didn’t know anything other than ice cream on a hot day could make me feel that good. Later that day, I told my sister and she laughed at me because I said I used a pillow. 

You were comfortable talking to her about it? 

Perfectly. After laughing we actually had a conversation about it and she told me I could use my fingers. But I didn’t know how, so I fashi-ed. I didn’t do anything for a long time, until I was in SS 3 and I went to an all-girl’s boarding school. That was when I started thriving, because I went full-on. 

Explain ‘full-on’?

First, I discovered I was attracted to women. Then some girl taught me how to touch myself properly. Then, I had sex for the first time. It was great! 

What were your thoughts on sex before then? 

My parents have always been open about sex. And in my old school, sex education was a big thing. So I knew that I had to have safe sex. I knew about diseases. I knew that you didn’t get pregnant by sitting on a man’s lap. But I wasn’t in a hurry to have sex. The romance novels ruined me, so I dreamt of ‘giving my flower’ to a boy I loved. And as I didn’t now find anyone, I didn’t have sex until 16. 

Did you love the girl?

A lot. I was almost obsessive. She was my first-ever partner — so it was good vibes at first. We sat down together in class. We would finger each other under the table, make out in the toilet, sneak into each other’s beds after lights out. It was really nice. But I couldn’t stand her being with someone else. And it became worse after we had sex  for the first time. I was really just a learner. She taught me what to do and it was the most natural thing ever. But the next day, I saw her talking to another babe and I got sooo livid, I could have burst. Imagine a cartoon character’s face going red and exploding? That was me. 

Just because they were talking?

There was some touching that bordered on flirting. I admit I was overreacting. But yeah, teenage girls are evil. So I went to accost both of them and the other girl hissed while my own partner told me to calm down. Lol. I was so mad. I did the next best thing. Stormed off to the hostel mistress’ room to report that I’d seen them kissing. 

Ah.

I told you teenage girls are evil. When the hostel mistress called them in, a lot of accusations and lies flew around. So the hostel mistress punished us by telling us that we would all sleep outside on the basketball court until 12am. I think she didn’t believe my accusation and assumed that it was just a good-natured girl fight, hence the punishment. In hindsight, it’s a stupid punishment, but omo, that’s not the point. Three of us made out on the court that night. There was some oral sex too. It was wild. 

And you weren’t caught? 

Yeah. Luckily we weren’t. 

So what did you do next? 

My partner and I broke up, but after that we would hook up occasionally, sneak around and make out. At the same time, I became a ‘mouth prostitute’. That’s what people used to call me because I gave the best head. Sometimes it was compensation for something someone had done for me. Sometimes people bought me food just so I could give them head. If I say I did it on less than 20 girls in a month, I’d probably be lying because it was a lot more.

Then we finished school and went our separate ways. Before that though, my sister came for visiting day and I told her some of what had happened — leaving out the sex and she called me out and said I was too controlling. I was offended ehn. So after we graduated, I really didn’t want to get with anybody. I focused on university and all. It was all good until my second year when I met this guy that wanted to destroy my life. 

What?! 

Lol. Maybe I’m exaggerating. But yeah, he wanted to destroy me with sex. We weren’t dating. We met on a social platform and started hooking up. He lived in a nice apartment close to campus, so I was with him a lot. Cooking his meals — like an idiot — and having sex with him anytime he felt like. Sometimes, I feel like he used jazz on me because what the actual hell? I think I washed his toilet once sef. 

I washed his clothes. Cleaned his house. The fucking ghetto. Just because of ordinary sex — he wasn’t giving me much else. That went on for a whole semester. My grades dropped. My mum told my sister to talk to me, that they can’t be paying that much for school fees and I’ll be failing. My sister spoke to me and because I’m very putty around her, I told her it was man o. She told me that it wasn’t right and my eyes opened. I did my best to stay away from men. 

How long did that last for? 

Pretty much all through uni. So what happened was that I started having a streak of bad luck with men and women. Mostly men sha. They were either awful people or the sex was just terrible or I wasn’t physically attracted to them. So my sex life really went down. I went back to my first love, masturbation. I bought toys to help and all, so I wasn’t bothered by this. 

Did that replace human touch? 

Nope, but my pillow did. Haha. Just kidding. It especially didn’t replace all the kinds of things I could say to a partner, all the ways I could objectify or cause sexual pain to them. Ah, that’s the one that pained me. 

Just curious about the pain part. 

Sometime towards the end of uni, I went to my sister’s house and she gave me the ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’ book and that’s how my life changed. 

Just like that?

Just like that oh. But in a way, I feel I’ve always been like that. The book just helped me discover a part of me that I had been repressing. I know there’s no way to rationalize my obsessive and controlling attitude — I really should see a therapist — but once I read the novel, I knew I was the Dom, that I was destined for it. Nothing ever seemed appealing. Forget ice cream on a hot day. So after uni, I started seeking partners. 

Was it easy?

Surprisingly not hard. And maybe because in the beginning it was just like, I’ll spank the babes ass, or pull her hair. Or if it’s a guy, I’ll choke him and make him address me with “your honour” —  so cheesy, I know. But yeah, fantasy and roleplay are a huge part of the package for me. I wasn’t going all out and making BDSM a requirement in my sexual or romantic partners.

Did it get hard as you began to experiment more?

Yeah. I’ve been with people, especially men who claim they can take the pain, but they really can’t. A man has literally cried because of belt spanks after boasting that he’s used to it. Ah, moya carry my bags and japa. It’s not me the police will come and carry. Then there was a guy who I spat on in the heat of the moment, ugh. Cringing at the memory. Maybe I should’ve asked what he was comfortable with beforehand. That’s where the sex ended sha. 

In my mid 20s, I experimented with polyamory. So what I did was that I dated two different people and was having two different kinds of sex with them. There was vanilla with the babe. And full-on BDSM with the guy. The dynamic wasn’t fixed. Sometimes I was the sub and he the dom; other times, I was the dom. 

Did you love them both equally?

I like to think so. I did. I treated them well. And they both had other partners. We had rules and all. It was nice while it lasted. 

How did it end?

My male partner wanted a threesome with my female partner but that had been off the table from the beginning. After I told him no, he became jealous of my relationship with the babe. He eventually said polyamory was not for him. Fair enough, even though he believes in polygamy, but let’s not go there. 

Then with the babe, I realised that I didn’t like vanilla sex anymore. Like the entire thought of it repelled me. So I was cheating with this babe who loves BDSM as much as I do — she was entirely submissive. I don’t say cheating proudly because I regret it. A lot of people were hurt and it wasn’t worth it, but that’s what happened. Everything scattered after a while and I was alone with my hands and toys again — at least I know that they’re drama free. 

Welp. Would you try polyamory again?

Maybe. But I’m tired of drama. It just keeps following me. Is there anything that says I like drama on my head? 

Lmao. 

I’m serious. I just want peace and quiet. 

But—  

But if I’m being honest, sometimes, I see drama and walk into it.  

What happened after the polyamory drama? 

Oh. Nothing much. Just my mum walking into my room to see that there was a naked woman tied up on my bed. I can’t even begin to unpack the problems. But I’m at fault: why was I doing it at my parents house? Why didn’t I lock the door? 

First, my mum didn’t know my sexual orientation. So I just had to lie that it was for a project. Lol. As woke as my mum is, she’s still homophobic, so she actually started talking to me and this woman who is a stranger I met on the internet. Counselling us and all. Preaching the bible to us — even though she hasn’t been to a church in years. I was so embarrassed. Afterwards, I had one of those talks with my sister and I decided okay, let’s give settling down a try. I had to move out first. For a bit, I was crashing in different places and was too broke for hotels. So no sex. 

How long?

Maybe a year. I swore off vanilla sex. So it wasn’t an option. It was either I got my sex the way I liked it or I masturbated. No in-betweens. 

Did it get hard? 

Yes it did. But yeah, I guess I can say I paid my dues because I soon met the love of my life and yeah, everything has changed since then. My relationship isn’t about sex. Sex is just one of the things that happen. And when we do it, it’s absolutely amazing. Forget icecream and party Jollof rice. It’s the real deal. We have rules around sex. Rules around safety and consent. Rules around knowing the limit. I never knew those were important. She literally schooled me. She loves pain, and so it was easy to settle into our dynamic. 

How long have you been together? 

2 and a half years. She calls me her god. Hahaha. I love it. 

Lit! Do you think it’ll ever change?

The sex or the relationship?

Both. 

Yeah. I do. But I’m prepared. There’s something being older does to your priorities. If we breakup, I won’t die, but it’ll hurt me. I understand now that not everything lasts forever and relationships don’t necessarily have to be till death do us part. But with the sex, we’re constantly inventing new ways to explore in the bedroom. We even have a feedback system where after every sex round, we fill forms to talk about the experience and discuss how to improve. So hopefully, if we break up, it won’t be about the sex. 

Mad. How would you rate your sex life? 

7?

Why not more? I guess you have all you want. 

Well I can’t marry my partner and be disgusting in public like I’d like to, so no I don’t have all I want. The sex is great, but there are a lot of things missing just by virtue of being Nigerian and living here. 


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