Marriage is often sold as a partnership built on love, trust, and commitment, but for many women, the reality looks very different. Sometimes, the moment they emotionally check out isn’t when the marriage ends on paper. It’s when betrayal, disrespect, or years of disappointment make them realise they can no longer invest their hearts in someone who has stopped showing up for them.
In this article, ten women revealed the moment when they checked out of their marriages.
1. “I Can’t Divorce Him Because I’ll Be Shamed” — Raliat*, 45
Before we got married, my boyfriend had always cheated on me, and when I wanted to break up with him, he told me that he would stop. I should never have believed him because he never stopped. His cheating got worse after the marriage, to the point where everyone in my neighbourhood was aware of his reputation.
Among my friends and family, he has made me the butt of the joke, and at first, I kept assuring myself that he would change for the better, but he has not. Being his wife is draining, and although my daughter keeps telling me that I could divorce him, I can’t because I know how much I’ll be shamed for being a single mother. However, I have completely divorced him in my head, and I’ve stopped having sex with him. My friends keep telling me he’ll just use that as an excuse to cheat, but even when we were having sex, he was still cheating, so what’s the point?
2. “He Went Behind My Back to Marry Someone” — Aisha*, 48
In my tenth year of marriage, my husband and his family brought a woman into our house and announced that she would be his second wife. I was absolutely gutted when I heard, and I got so angry when they all expected me to be diplomatic about it. My husband knew my position on marrying more than one wife. He knew I was adamantly against it, and still, he went behind my back to marry someone. When I confronted him about it in front of everyone, he didn’t even try to apologise and told me he wasn’t obligated to inform me about all the goings-on in his life. He ended it by telling me that I shouldn’t make a big deal out of nothing because he’s married to her, and there is nothing I can do about it.
After he said that, I carried our daughter to my parents’ house because I genuinely didn’t want to see him ever again. It was my mother who ended up forcing me to go back and accept the new wife, and while I did that, I started to detach from the marriage completely. It is obvious that he does not respect me or our marriage, so why should I continue to be attached to someone like that?
3. “My Husband is More or Less of a Roommate These Days” — Titi*, 50
My husband is a deadbeat husband and father who has done nothing to make my life or my children’s lives better in any way. He thinks that the only way he can be a present husband is by providing half of his children’s school fees and giving me a small stipend for household expenses. After that, he clocks out.
I see my friend’s husbands giving them money to take care of themselves, and at first, it made me so jealous because my husband has never given me as little as five hundred naira to buy nail oil. One time, I even tried to get him to give me money to get my hair done, and he asked me why I was bothering myself with stupid things like that. I think that was when I realised that I was wasting my time with someone who does not love me.
Instead of wasting my time asking myself and God why my husband does not love me, I put all my energy into my business, which pays me well and has been fulfilling, because I mostly see him as more of a roommate these days. My children say it would be easier to just leave the marriage but honestly? It is too late to start my life all over again.
4. “I Became Known as the Wife of the Drunkard” — Biola*, 60
My husband and I have been married for over thirty years now, and for twenty-two years of it, he battled severe alcohol addiction. At first, I didn’t think too much of it when he started drinking three beers in one sitting, but when he started to come home really drunk and vomit all over the house, I realised that it was bad.
I tried my best to get him to stop. I talked to his friends, his elder siblings, and even his parents in the hopes that they would talk some sense into him, but it didn’t work. He continued to drink until it became all he was known for on the street we lived on. I became known as the wife of the drunkard, and every job my husband had, he lost because he always went to work drunk. I had to shoulder the entire upkeep of the house because he didn’t seem to care about making sure our children had food to eat or money to go to school. I began to work from morning to night, and honestly, the exhaustion from that was enough for me to clock out of my marriage. I couldn’t handle working day and night, and an alcohol-loving husband together.
My husband is on a path of recovery now, and while I should be excited about it, I don’t feel anything. For years, I waited for him to turn back into the husband I knew before the alcoholism, and at some point, I got tired of waiting. It would make sense to just leave him since our children are now grown but, what’s the point when I could have left him earlier?
5. “I Stopped Seeing Him as Someone I Love” — Favour*, 30
For two years, my husband and my best friend of fifteen years were apparently having an affair right under my nose. I was completely oblivious to it, even though my other friends kept telling me that it was weird that the two of them were so close. I never suspected them because I trusted them not to do something as awful as that to me, but they did.
I found out about it through one of our mutual friends, who sent me a picture of them kissing. When I saw it, I raised hell. I broke things in the house, screamed, cried, shouted at both of them for hours, and left the house for a long time. After weeks of anger, my body calmed, and I finally processed the betrayal. For two years, they went behind my back, and I didn’t know. I felt humiliated, and although I knew in that moment that I would still stay with my husband even after what he did, I told myself to stop seeing him as someone I love.
In my head, it’s better that way because I know that even with all the grovelling he did when I found out, he would still go back to cheating on me with someone else. I know that I could just leave him and find a new husband, but to me, it’s better to stay with the devil I’ve known for a long time than an angel I barely know.
6. “I Accepted the Fact That I’m Married to a Coward” — Ngozi*, 36
I began to mentally detach from my marriage when I accepted the fact that I’m married to a coward. My husband’s family is made up of the most diabolical human beings ever. Ever since I got married to him, I’ve never had a moment of peace with them. I’m Igbo, he’s Yoruba, and because of that, they’ve tagged me as the evil girl who is unworthy of their son. Every time they visited, they found something to nitpick and berate me for. They would call me all sorts of derogatory names, and found joy when I cried in front of them.
The thing is, I think I would not have cared too much about their actions if my husband had supported me, but unfortunately for me, he did not. When they called me worthless because all our children are girls, he did not say anything; when they called my mother useless for not teaching me manners, he stopped me from saying anything, and when his eldest sister flogged our lastborn till the point where she got bruised, he shouted at me for confronting his sibling. It was then that I realised that he is a coward, and there is no point expecting him to be there for me. He is my husband, but he hardly ever acts like that, and I cannot pretend everything is okay.
7. “I Regret the Day My Husband Found Purpose in Religion” — Samiat*, 33
My husband is a big Alfa in our community, and because of this, he dedicates most of his time to others rather than to his family. It might seem blasphemous to say this, but I regret the day my husband found his so-called purpose in religion. I went from having my husband’s attention 24/7 to barely having him in the house. I do not have a problem with him responding to other people’s needs, but when he ignores his family because of them, that’s just unacceptable.
Our baby boy is ten, and he barely knows anything about his dad because he’s not even home. When he’s home, the only thing he cares about is if his son is up to date with his Madrasah (Arabic school). He does not even know I changed our son’s Madrasah because his last ustaz (teacher) almost killed him for me. My husband is a good man, but he’s emotionally unavailable, and that’s one thing I cannot accept. I’m only choosing not to leave the marriage because I don’t have the energy to deal with judgmental family members.
8. “I Can’t See Myself Doing Forever With Him Again” — Tanya*, 30
My husband is someone who cannot regulate his emotions, and because of that, he makes everyone in the house uncomfortable. If I do something he is not satisfied with, he is quick to say all sorts of things to me. I grew up without flinching because my parents never shouted or laid a hand on their children, but I now flinch at every sound because my husband loves to declare his displeasure loudly.
We’ve been married for eight years now, and honestly, I don’t see us making it to ten years together. He has his sweet moments, and there are days I’m reminded of why I fell in love with him, but I can’t see myself doing forever with him again.
9. “A Man Who Loves Me Would Not Slap Me” — Quineth*, 29
The day my husband slapped me was the day I mentally left the marriage. I do not remember what caused us to start arguing that day, but I’m sure it was not serious enough to put his hand on me in front of my younger sister. I felt completely humiliated, and for days, I kept asking myself why he did that to me until I concluded that I didn’t deserve what he did to me. Although he and his family begged and stopped me from leaving the marriage, and he has not done anything like that again, I don’t feel like I’m in love with him like I was before. A man who loves me would not slap me.
10. “He Doesn’t View Me as a Woman With Her Own Agency” — Mariam*, 45
I got married to my husband when I was 22, and he was 30, and we’ve been married for 23 years now. I understand that it seems beautiful that we have lasted that long, but I mentally checked out after our tenth anniversary, when I saw women in their twenties going out and having fun. I’m aware that I made the choice to get married, but I resent him because he had his fun before getting married, and I did not.
Then, I got married, and I had to be the perfect Muslim wife who covers her hair and does not do anything to embarrass her husband. There have been many times when I tried to break out of that bubble of expectations, and he kept pushing me back in it without talking to me. He just expects me to do anything he asks me to do, and it’s hard not to see that he doesn’t view me as a woman with her own agency. I wish I could leave him, but I know I won’t be accepted by my family or community afterwards.
