People usually think that when women or young girls experience sexual assault or abuse, it’s because they were careless or hanging around the wrong people. I think it’s one of the reasons why Ochanya, may her soul rest in peace, hasn’t gotten justice. There are still a lot of people who don’t believe what her uncle and his son did. The numbers would probably be more if she hadn’t unfortunately passed on..
We spoke to six women who have been assaulted by the people closest to them, or the ones they least expected it from. Here’s what they had to say.
“One thing led to another, and my gateman’s son was on top of me”- Faith*, 27
How old were you when it first happened?
I was probably five or six years old at the time, really young. I’m not sure it was something I thought was bad then, when it happened. My family and I lived in a three-bed flat, and sometimes, especially when I came back from school, my parents would leave me home alone. It’s not like it was for long hours, maybe a quick run to the supermarket or something.
Anyway, I used to play with the gateman’s son a lot, and I’m ashamed to say it now, but I also did have a crush on him back then. One day, he came into the house, like he did on most days. One thing led to another, and he was on top of me.
What was your reaction?
As I said, I had a crush on him. Most times, we played together, I was really just happy to be around him. And he was older, so that was a plus. I think he also didn’t know better. He was about three to four years older than me, and I imagine he was probably a victim as well.
Do you remember the details?
Vaguely. All I know is that there was a lot of kissing and grinding. It’s not something I really consider a bad experience because we were both young, and I liked him. Maybe he got a vibe off me and liked me back, who knows.
“I didn’t tell anybody because it will cause chaos in the family”- Bose*, 25
Can you tell us about your experience?
I think mine is pretty commonplace, and when I say that, I mean most girls probably had their uncles touch them at a young age. Mine was pretty messed up because he lived with us, so there wasn’t much I could do to escape. My parents would have him pick me up from school or leave me home with him. Funny enough, nothing happened when he was doing all of this. It was when he would come to my room at night, when everybody was asleep. That was where the horror was. It was crazy for me because during the day, it would seem like everything was normal, but I knew what was happening.
Did you ever tell anyone anything?
Nope. I don’t even think I could. It was one of those things you know that if you said, the whole world (or family in this case) would turn upside down. Yeah. I know it’s like I’m sacrificing my well-being for some greater good, but I think that’s what a lot of Nigerian women go through.
Do you still see him?
Nah, I don’t. Although he’s very much in contact with the family. I think for me, as long as I’m protecting myself and my younger sisters, I’m okay. He tried to reach out recently, and I told my friends about it, because to me, that’s absolutely crazy. One of them messaged him and told him to stay away. Then he deleted the message.
“I woke up because I felt something poking between my legs”- Ifechi*, 22
Have you ever been sexually assaulted or abused?
Not to be the queen of doom and gloom, but I don’t think there’s any woman who hasn’t. I feel like men are always out to get women. Mine was my little cousin. I say little because he’s younger than me, but not by very much. I was visiting my Aunty, and she asked him to leave his room for me, so I slept there. I woke up because I felt something poking between my legs, and this thing had gone in quite a bit.
How did you react?
I just pretended like I was asleep. My body got very stiff, and I didn’t move.
Why not?
It’s not like I didn’t want to move. I thought about it throughout the experience. Like what would happen if I said something. How would my aunt react when she came in, or if I told her what would be done, and how would it affect my relationship with my cousin? I was feeling too much guilt for something that was being done to me. I think that’s the problem with women. We endure and carry a lot of guilt for things we’re not responsible for. And we allow bad things to continue at our expense.
Also Read: What She Said: He Raped Me, and I Tried to Kill Myself Three Times
“I felt someone playing with my clitoris and woke up”- Adaora*, 21
Do you remember what your experience was like?
Yes. It was in my family’s house, and I was sleeping in my parents’ room. I was probably twelve or thirteen years old. I was taking a nap and literally felt someone’s hand playing with my clitoris. The sleep left me with a quickness, and when I opened my eyes, I saw my cousin, who was also my age at the time. We looked at each other, and he ran away.
What did you do after that?
I told my older sister. He avoided me for the rest of the day but kept giving me sorry eyes. I was so confused because I didn’t want him to apologise, but I also didn’t want him to feel like even though I was angry, I wouldn’t or couldn’t do anything. I think that was even what made me tell my sister. There was just so much anger in me.
It wasn’t my first experience. The first time, my dad’s friend’s son tried to touch my breast when we were playing. I reported to my dad immediately. That was the last time the man and his son visited our house.
What did your sister do?
She confronted him and told his mum. The only reason she didn’t tell my dad was that he’s a bit strict and she’s kind of soft-hearted. But he was scolded and punished. To be honest, I don’t know that he necessarily learned his lesson, but I hope he did.
“My friend of over 10 years tried touching me on his bed”- Ronke* 25
Do you have any recent experiences that you would like to share?
I had one that really had me questioning a lot of things. Recently, I visited a male friend whom I’ve known for over ten years. Like, our friendship is rock solid. Anyway, we end up playing games at his place, and the loser has to take shots. I kept losing, so I took quite a few shots, which I guess was okay. But the crazy thing about that experience was that he knew I was drunk and kept giving me shots. He was even telling me I had a backlog of shots to take.
Was it just the two of you?
Yup, and we were at his place. I had to really try my best to be in control of the situation. You read about girls who talk about coercion because the guy just didn’t know how to stop. It’s not like I don’t believe them; I always do, but experiencing it was different. You don’t really know what it is women go through o. It was a lot of mental work staying awake and trying to be in control of the situation.
What happened afterwards?
I managed to just move out of the situation. I was literally like ‘stop please, it’s enough’. When I started falling asleep, he insisted we go to his room. We went, and he tried touching me on the bed. I just slept off, woke up the next morning and left.
Did he apologise and say anything about it?
Nope. We haven’t even spoken since then. We just woke up and went about our day. He walked me out, and I went home. I think I felt a bit guilty because people would ask, ‘What was I doing at a man’s house alone?’ I’ve heard people say that any woman who puts herself in that situation gets what she deserves. But this is someone I’ve been friends with since secondary school. I would’ve even preferred if he spoke to me about getting together. At least I know there’s some level of respect there.
“He would force me to come to bed just so he could touch me”- Stella*, 28
What do you remember about your experience?
Unfortunately, I’ve experienced being assaulted more than once. But I think it’s difficult to forget the first time, especially because of how invasive it is at such a young age. I used to love going to my aunt’s place when I was younger. Her husband had a younger brother who stayed with them at the time, and to me, he was like an uncle, because he was way older than me.
I’m guessing he’s the one who violated you?
Yes. I had a room which was designated to me, and he would stay there through the night before going to his room. But it was really crazy because he would force me to come to bed just so he could touch me. A lot of the time, it was more than touching. He would force his lips on mine and touch my breasts, which were basically chests, and other areas too.
Did you ever tell anybody about it?
Zero. Till today. I saw him at a family function once, and he was talking about how big I now was. It was the most disgusting thing. I didn’t pay attention to him or act like a human being was speaking. I just walked away.
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