What She Said: Situationships Work When You Are On The Same Page

June 17, 2020

Navigating life as a woman in the world today is incredibly difficult. From Nigeria to Timbuktu, it’ll amaze you how similar all our experiences are. 

Every Wednesday, women the world over will share their takes on everything from sex to politics right here.

Relationships are complex because humans are complex. But if relationships seem to be getting a lot more complicated, it might be because they are. With millennials and younger generations embracing more non-traditional forms of relationship, a new type of relationship is made every other year. This week we’ll be learning about situantionships from a 24-year-old woman who doesn’t just embrace them but advocates for them. 

What does a situationship even mean?

A situationship is what you get when people try to force labels on everything. What people call a situationship is pretty much what casual dating in the ideal sense should be. But casual dating doesn’t exist anymore. It’s seeing one or more people casually for varying lengths of time at varying degrees of seriousness. But just so people don’t confuse it with dating in the sense of getting into a relationship, let’s call them situationships.

Casual dating doesn’t exist any more?

No, it doesn’t. Go on just two dates with one person and family, friends and strangers will immediately start asking you – ‘so are the two of you dating now?’. And when they say dating they mean are you in a relationship. When I tell people I’m seeing someone they automatically assume it’s a boyfriend and girlfriend type of situation when it’s just you exploring a casual connection with someone and having occasional sex. But a situationship becomes that when you exploring that casual connection for more than a couple of months.

A situationship occurs when you are seeing someone seriously enough for it to not just be casual sex but not seriously enough for it to be a relationship. You care about the person, you might even go on dates and call each other once in a while but there are no deep connections.

So situationships are born out of casual dating?

Exactly. If you find yourself casually dating the same person or couple of people for more than a couple of months, then you are in a situationship.

They sound a lot like open relationships

People say that, but here’s the difference. In an open relationship, you have a main partner who you love and are committed to and all that jazz. Both of you are allowed to see people outside of your relationship casually. But nothing too deep because you already have primary partners. That doesn’t exist in a situationship, there are no primary partners. What’s that thing Buhari said – I belong to everybody and I belong to nobody. It’s the same principle, you belong to everybody and you belong to no one at the same time. It frees you from the burden of being held accountable to anyone.

And you can be in multiple situationships at the same time?

Yup, I’d even advice it. If it’s just one person then the two of you are at risk of falling into the trap of being in a traditional relationship. Which is fine when it’s what you both want. But more often than not, you find that it’s one person doing what they want and the other person sticking around hoping the relationship becomes more defined. You can be in multiple situationships in varying degrees of seriousness. One could be strictly a booty call the other could be someone you could call if you found yourself in a sticky situation, or had a really bad day at work.

Are you in any situationships right now?

I’m in three. There’s the one I could end up settle down with. We’ve been friends forever and we sort of fell into this habit of having sex semi-frequently. We talk pretty frequently, about two or three times a week. We wouldn’t do Valentine’s Day but we’d buy each other presents on our birthdays.

The second is an older guy we talk a little less frequently let’s say two or three times a month. And have sex even less frequently like that. I like talking to him, he’s the one I run to when I’m having any sort of existential crisis because he always gives me great advice.

The third guy is just sex. He’s super nice and polite and the sex is amazing. But the only conversations we ever have are to plan hookups.

How long have they all been going on?


3 years, 2 years and a year and a half respectively.

I’m most curious about the guy you say you could end up with, why not be with just him?

What will now happen to my other men? They all serve very different purposes in my life and I’m sure I in theirs. I like the way their roles are set up it works for me.

Do they know about each other?

In a sense. They all know that they aren’t the only people in my life. The one I’m closest to at least knows the other two’s names. He knows who they are and what they do. The other two know I’m obviously not seeing just them but don’t care who else I’m seeing and they’ve never asked.

How does sex with three people work?


Not in the way it sounds. I’m not seeing them all at once. It’s not Monday for Femi, Tuesday for Sola, Wednesday for Dayo, then rinse and repeat. It’s more every week in a month for Femi, then I don’t see Femi for about two weeks and so I go see Sola. In the rare occasion, I’m neither seeing Femi nor Sola, I’d see Dayo.

So is it death to traditional relationships forever?

I’m young now so I’m honestly just enjoying my life. I know when I turn like 32 I’ll suddenly realize that settling down with one person isn’t a bad idea, then I’d end up dating someone and marrying him 6 months after to the dismay of all my friends and family.

Could you describe a perfect situationship?

I’m going to give in and describe a situationship as a type of relationship. Like with the way you have open relationships. So it’s a relationship with no defined roles and no commitments. It only works when the two parties are on the same page. If one person is hoping for a relationship and the other person only wants a situationship then it can’t work. Communication about that is very important.

I think situationships get a bad rap because some people try to use it to exploit others into situations in which they are getting all the perks of relationships but none of the responsibilities like accountability. If both of you are on the same page and you are sure you are on the same page, then go for it. It’s especially great when you are looking for a connection with someone that is more than just casual sex but you are not burdened with the responsibility of being the person’s number one.

You'll like this

Toketemu Ohwovoriole

Join The Conversation

Bring a friend.

Watch

Now on Zikoko

July 5, 2020

We know you’re chill and try as much as possible to let a lot of things go. However, we also know that there are things you find particularly annoying. So, we created this quiz to let you know what your biggest pet peeve is.

Recommended Quizzes

November 19, 2019

Regardless of what society has tried to tell us, enjoying sex is not something to be ashamed of. So, in a bid to celebrate our generation’s sexual agency, we’ve created a quiz that will accurately (again, keep your complaints to yourself) infer how many people you’ve spelt with. Try it out:

October 14, 2019

Pete Edochie, Patience Ozokwor, Chinwetalu Agu, and Segun Arinze are some of the best villains Nollywood have gifted us. These actors mastered the art of playing the bad guys that it would be hella weird if they played anything else. Now, you might just be the one fit to fill their shoes and continue where […]

how tall are you
March 11, 2020

Did your parents give you enough beans when you were growing up? If they did, then you’re probably around 6’0″ and above. Either way, we created a quiz that can guess your current height (pretty accurately, if we do say so ourselves). Take to see if we nailed it:

November 20, 2019

Last month, we thoughtfully made a quiz telling you guys exactly when you’ll marry, but some of you claimed that your spouse was nowhere to be found. Well, now we’ve created one that’ll tell you exactly who you’ll be dragging down that aisle. Take and start planning that wedding:

More from Her

July 1, 2020

How market now? My sister I day o. Market isn’t booming right now but in all things we thank God. How bad is it? Things have even started to pick up now. But you see that March and April, it was a real struggle.  Those were the hardest months I’ve had in many years. Even […]

June 24, 2020

Nigerian men keep claiming they don’t understand Nigerian women, well we have put together a list to supply you enough comprehension now. This is the list of things that will definitely trigger your Nigerian girlfriend so if you’re gunning to get her annoyed, you can try them. 1. One word replies. When you are definitely […]

June 24, 2020

What qualities do you seek in a romantic partner? Good looks, loyalty, openness? And what qualities do you absolutely detest? Lies, dishonesty, disrespect? For the woman in this week’s ‘What She Said’, lies are her biggest relationship deal-breaker. Which is why she can’t seem to understand why she has only dated the biggest liars of […]

June 19, 2020

Periods are like unwanted visitors that we actually want. If you see it, wahala, if you don’t see it double wahala (at least for us single folks). Every woman is a love/hate relationship with her period. Here are 10 dilemmas every Nigerian woman faces during her period; 1. When you can’t find it.  Small play […]

June 18, 2020

Painful period cramps are the worst thing ever. It’s like being singled out to be consistently punished and tortured for an offense you don’t even know about. And you keep filing complaints but HR doesn’t want to hear your side of the story. It’s the real ghetto mehn. Here’s a 9 things women who have […]

June 17, 2020

Half the time when we see women on screen in Nollywood they are either chasing after marriage or fighting off a wicked mother in law while married. It’s like even in on-screen fiction women have been reduced to the demographic of people whose biggest ambition and the ultimate goal should be conjugal bliss. Thus making […]

June 17, 2020

Having a best friend is one of the best relationships a girl can get. There’s no drama, no cheating, just the best vibes, and the most amazing support system. But it usually takes a process highlighted with fun BFF milestones. 1. Your first hangout. Usually the equivalent of a date, but this time more casual […]

June 17, 2020

Relationships are complex because humans are complex. But if relationships seem to be getting a lot more complicated, it might be because they are. With millennials and younger generations embracing more non-traditional forms of relationship, a new type of relationship is made every other year. This week we’ll be learning about situantionships from a 24-year-old […]

Watch

Trending Videos

Zikoko Originals

June 22, 2020
'The Couch' is a Zikoko series featuring real life stories from anonymous people.
June 22, 2020
Hacked is an interesting new series by Zikoko made up of fictional but hilarious chat conversations.
June 4, 2020
What happens when a group of chatty young Nigerians talk about things they're passionate about? You get Nigerians talk. A show that discusses very familiar struggles for the average Nigerian. From relationship deal breakers to sex education with Nigerian parents to leaving Nigeria, be prepared for a ride.
June 2, 2020
Quickie is a video series where everyone featured gets only one minute to rant, review or do absolutely anything.
May 14, 2020
Isolation Diary is a Zikoko series that showcases what isolation is like for one young Nigerian working from home due to the Coronavirus pandemic.
March 12, 2020
Life is already hard. Deciding where to eat and get the best lifestyle experiences, isn't something you should stress about. Let VRSUS do that for you.
February 6, 2020
Who doesn't want to find love? In our bid to help, we paired up a bunch of single Nigerians, sending them on an all-expense paid date, and interviewing them before and after they met.
January 27, 2020
Nigerians Talk is what happened when a motley crew of young Nigerians were put in front of a camera and asked a bunch of apparently random questions about life, love, money and more.
September 24, 2019
A group of Zikoko staff go on a road trip to every mainland country in ECOWAS West Africa

Z! Stacks

Here's a rabbit hole of stories to lose yourself in:

Zikoko amplifies African youth culture by curating and creating smart and joyful content for young Africans and the world.
X