What She Said: Situationships Work When You Are On The Same Page

June 17, 2020

Relationships are complex because humans are complex. But if relationships seem to be getting a lot more complicated, it might be because they are. With millennials and younger generations embracing more non-traditional forms of relationship, a new type of relationship is made every other year. This week we’ll be learning about situantionships from a 24-year-old woman who doesn’t just embrace them but advocates for them. 

What does a situationship even mean?

A situationship is what you get when people try to force labels on everything. What people call a situationship is pretty much what casual dating in the ideal sense should be. But casual dating doesn’t exist anymore. It’s seeing one or more people casually for varying lengths of time at varying degrees of seriousness. But just so people don’t confuse it with dating in the sense of getting into a relationship, let’s call them situationships.

Casual dating doesn’t exist any more?

No, it doesn’t. Go on just two dates with one person and family, friends and strangers will immediately start asking you – ‘so are the two of you dating now?’. And when they say dating they mean are you in a relationship. When I tell people I’m seeing someone they automatically assume it’s a boyfriend and girlfriend type of situation when it’s just you exploring a casual connection with someone and having occasional sex. But a situationship becomes that when you exploring that casual connection for more than a couple of months.

A situationship occurs when you are seeing someone seriously enough for it to not just be casual sex but not seriously enough for it to be a relationship. You care about the person, you might even go on dates and call each other once in a while but there are no deep connections.

So situationships are born out of casual dating?

Exactly. If you find yourself casually dating the same person or couple of people for more than a couple of months, then you are in a situationship.

They sound a lot like open relationships

People say that, but here’s the difference. In an open relationship, you have a main partner who you love and are committed to and all that jazz. Both of you are allowed to see people outside of your relationship casually. But nothing too deep because you already have primary partners. That doesn’t exist in a situationship, there are no primary partners. What’s that thing Buhari said – I belong to everybody and I belong to nobody. It’s the same principle, you belong to everybody and you belong to no one at the same time. It frees you from the burden of being held accountable to anyone.

And you can be in multiple situationships at the same time?

Yup, I’d even advice it. If it’s just one person then the two of you are at risk of falling into the trap of being in a traditional relationship. Which is fine when it’s what you both want. But more often than not, you find that it’s one person doing what they want and the other person sticking around hoping the relationship becomes more defined. You can be in multiple situationships in varying degrees of seriousness. One could be strictly a booty call the other could be someone you could call if you found yourself in a sticky situation, or had a really bad day at work.

Are you in any situationships right now?

I’m in three. There’s the one I could end up settle down with. We’ve been friends forever and we sort of fell into this habit of having sex semi-frequently. We talk pretty frequently, about two or three times a week. We wouldn’t do Valentine’s Day but we’d buy each other presents on our birthdays.

The second is an older guy we talk a little less frequently let’s say two or three times a month. And have sex even less frequently like that. I like talking to him, he’s the one I run to when I’m having any sort of existential crisis because he always gives me great advice.

The third guy is just sex. He’s super nice and polite and the sex is amazing. But the only conversations we ever have are to plan hookups.

How long have they all been going on?


3 years, 2 years and a year and a half respectively.

I’m most curious about the guy you say you could end up with, why not be with just him?

What will now happen to my other men? They all serve very different purposes in my life and I’m sure I in theirs. I like the way their roles are set up it works for me.

Do they know about each other?

In a sense. They all know that they aren’t the only people in my life. The one I’m closest to at least knows the other two’s names. He knows who they are and what they do. The other two know I’m obviously not seeing just them but don’t care who else I’m seeing and they’ve never asked.

How does sex with three people work?


Not in the way it sounds. I’m not seeing them all at once. It’s not Monday for Femi, Tuesday for Sola, Wednesday for Dayo, then rinse and repeat. It’s more every week in a month for Femi, then I don’t see Femi for about two weeks and so I go see Sola. In the rare occasion, I’m neither seeing Femi nor Sola, I’d see Dayo.

So is it death to traditional relationships forever?

I’m young now so I’m honestly just enjoying my life. I know when I turn like 32 I’ll suddenly realize that settling down with one person isn’t a bad idea, then I’d end up dating someone and marrying him 6 months after to the dismay of all my friends and family.

Could you describe a perfect situationship?

I’m going to give in and describe a situationship as a type of relationship. Like with the way you have open relationships. So it’s a relationship with no defined roles and no commitments. It only works when the two parties are on the same page. If one person is hoping for a relationship and the other person only wants a situationship then it can’t work. Communication about that is very important.

I think situationships get a bad rap because some people try to use it to exploit others into situations in which they are getting all the perks of relationships but none of the responsibilities like accountability. If both of you are on the same page and you are sure you are on the same page, then go for it. It’s especially great when you are looking for a connection with someone that is more than just casual sex but you are not burdened with the responsibility of being the person’s number one.

Join The Conversation

Bring a friend.

You'll like this

Hedge Witch
May 5, 2021

As told to Mariam I have known Wendy for about three years and during this time, I have watched her go from being irreligious to religious and back to being irreligious. As an irreligious person myself, I was curious about her journey so sometime in March I asked her. Here’s what she told me:   I […]

women talk about being jealous of their friends
February 6, 2021

Jealousy is a feeling of bitterness or resentment as a result of someone having something you desire. Like other human feelings, jealousy is also a part of interpersonal relationships. In this article, we asked eight Nigerian women to share what it felt like to be jealous of their friends and what they did about it.  […]

April 29, 2020

Ladies, see our lives on these streets… Just two months ago, we were the cream of the crop, nails done, hair done, everything did. Getting bi-weekly pedicures,waxes and deep conditioning treatments was such a given, the idea that it would be taken away from us seemed almost laughable, and yet, again: We spoke to 6 […]

Watch

Now on Zikoko

Recommended Quizzes

November 20, 2019

Last month, we thoughtfully made a quiz telling you guys exactly when you’ll marry, but some of you claimed that your spouse was nowhere to be found. Well, now we’ve created one that’ll tell you exactly who you’ll be dragging down that aisle. Take and start planning that wedding: 11 Quizzes For Nigerians Who Are […]

November 11, 2019

Today, we are going to be using your taste in music to determine how good you actually are in bed. All you need to do is create the ultimate Nigerian hit — from the lead artist to the producer — and we’ll tell you if all your partners leave satisfied, or if you are just […]

November 12, 2019

Are you a single pringle, stuck in a complicated situationship or happily married to the love of your life? This quiz is here to guess your current relationship status, and as you know, Zikoko quizzes are incredibly accurate (don’t quote us). So, give a shot:

April 1, 2020

Everyone has a Nigerian bank that matches their personality. You could either be as likeable as GTB, as efficient as Access or as mature as First Bank. Either way, all you have to do is take this quiz and we’ll let you know with almost 100% certainty. So, go ahead:

November 27, 2019

Do you have a face that could make angels jealous, or should you really be walking around with a nylon bag over your head so you don’t scare children? Well, this quiz is here to answer that by telling you exactly how good-looking you are. Take and find out: 11 Quizzes For People Who Aren’t […]

More from Her

happy black woman
November 26, 2021

Women already have a list of things they spend their salary on and before you know it, salary don finish. How about we choose things to do for ourselves on payday to maximize enjoyment? Here’s a list of payday ideas for Nigerian women:

Watch

Trending Videos

Zikoko Originals

December 14, 2020
What happens when a group of chatty young Nigerians talk about things they're passionate about? You get Nigerians talk. A show that discusses very familiar struggles for the average Nigerian. From relationship deal breakers to sex education with Nigerian parents to leaving Nigeria, be prepared for a ride.
November 2, 2020
'The Couch' is a Zikoko series featuring real life stories from anonymous people.
October 26, 2020
A collection of videos documenting some of the events of the EndSARS protests.
June 22, 2020
'The Couch' is a Zikoko series featuring real life stories from anonymous people.
June 22, 2020
Hacked is an interesting new series by Zikoko made up of fictional but hilarious chat conversations.
June 4, 2020
What happens when a group of chatty young Nigerians talk about things they're passionate about? You get Nigerians talk. A show that discusses very familiar struggles for the average Nigerian. From relationship deal breakers to sex education with Nigerian parents to leaving Nigeria, be prepared for a ride.
June 2, 2020
Quickie is a video series where everyone featured gets only one minute to rant, review or do absolutely anything.
May 14, 2020
Isolation Diary is a Zikoko series that showcases what isolation is like for one young Nigerian working from home due to the Coronavirus pandemic.
March 12, 2020
Life is already hard. Deciding where to eat and get the best lifestyle experiences, isn't something you should stress about. Let VRSUS do that for you.

Z! Stacks

Here's a rabbit hole of stories to lose yourself in:

Zikoko amplifies African youth culture by curating and creating smart and joyful content for young Africans and the world.
X