Every week, Zikoko spotlights the unfiltered stories of women navigating life, love, identity and everything in between.
What She Said will give women the mic to speak freely, honestly and openly, without shame about sex, politics, family, survival, and everything else life throws our way.
This week’s subject is Chinelo, a 29-year-old entrepreneur based in Lagos. She talks about growing up as the ultimate “girls girl,” the friend who embarrassed her at a restaurant, and why cutting off toxic people saved her life.
Tell me about yourself. Where did you grow up?
I’m from Lagos, born and raised. I’m the second of three girls; my older sister is the serious one, I’m the social butterfly, and my younger sister is still figuring life out. Growing up, my mum always said I had too many friends, that I needed to be more careful about who I let into my space. But I didn’t listen. I was that girl with a full contact list from secondary school through uni, and even when I went to culinary school.
I’ve always been a people person. If you’re my friend, I’m riding for you 100%. I was definitely a girl’s girl. I’ll make excuses for you, defend you, support you even when you’re clearly in the wrong. My mum would say, “Chinelo, not everyone deserves your loyalty”, but I didn’t get it then.
What made you such a girls’ girl?
I just believed in women supporting women, you know? I thought that if we all had each other’s backs, we’d all win together. So anytime a friend would mess up, I’d be like, “Oh, maybe she’s going through something.” I always made excuses for people. Always.
When did you start noticing that not everyone had your back the same way?
Honestly, it took years. From secondary school to uni to culinary school, I had loads and loads of friends. When I say loads, I mean my phone was always buzzing. But looking back now, if I had 80 friends then, 75 of them weren’t actually good to me. I just didn’t know because I was too busy being loyal. Until this one girl, who did the worst thing a friend could do.
Tell me about her. How did you two meet?
We met in uni. I think it was the second year, some random lecture or someone’s birthday hangout, I can’t even remember exactly. But we clicked and became close. She was fun, we’d go out together, gist for hours. On the surface, everything seemed fine.
Then?
It started small. She always had issues. “I don’t have money for this,” “I need help with that,” “Can you borrow me?” At first, I didn’t think much of it because we’re friends, right? Friends help each other. But then I noticed a pattern.
What kind of pattern?
She never gave back. If I lent her money, she’d never pay it back. If we made plans, I was always the one funding them. She’d come to my house and start eyeing my things, “oooh Chinelo dash me this na, this bag is so fine.” So I started being very careful.
If I had to give her money, I’d do bank transfers only, never cash, so there’d be proof. I stopped giving her my clothes entirely. Instead, I’d say, “Oh, I’m going shopping tomorrow, let’s go together, I’ll get you two outfits.” That’s it. Not from my wardrobe, I’ll buy you new things, and that’s the end.
That’s a lot of boundaries for a friendship.
Because so many things weren’t sitting right with me. And the thing is, every time she’d cross a line, she’d come back apologising. “Ah, babe, I’m so sorry, I didn’t know it would hurt you like that.” She was always doing that shit. Mess up, apologise, I’d forgive her, then she’d do it again.
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Can you give me an example of her crossing a line?
The main thing was how she acted around men. If it were just us girls, she was fine. But the moment a man entered the picture, in our friend group, at a party, anywhere, that’s when she’d switch up. She’d start trying to make me feel small, like she needed to prove she was better than me or more desirable or whatever.
She was constantly trying to make me feel less of myself every time we went out, and there were guys around.
That must have been difficult to navigate.
It was. It was very difficult. Still, she remained around me, and as I said, I have always been a girl’s girl. I could not push her away.
Hmm. How has this lifestyle and relationship been treating you?
Badly. It put me in a position where I had to invite her on a date.
How? What made you decide to do that?
I didn’t plan to! That day, I was supposed to go see this guy I’ve been cool with for years. We’re close paddies, not dating per se because me, I know how he moves around women, so I just keep things casual. No expectations, no stress.
I was home getting ready, on a video call with him, just chatting and trying to figure out what to wear. Then she just showed up at my door.
Unannounced?
Yes! She called from my gate, saying she was outside and sounded all sad. “I’m so bored, I don’t have any friends, nowhere to go.” And me, I don’t like people sleeping over at my house, so I was already thinking, how do I get her out of here?
Why don’t you like people sleeping over?
I just like my space. My house is my sanctuary, and I don’t want anybody getting too comfortable. So when she said she was bored, my immediate thought was: whatever it takes to get you out, let’s do it.
So you invited her on the date?
Not exactly. When I let her in, my guy heard her voice on the call and was like, “What’s up? This is perfect! Just bring her along so my friend doesn’t have to feel left out. It’ll be like a double date.”
I told him I’d call him back because I really didn’t want to bring her. But she was standing right there looking at me, and she started with “I don’t have money to go out, I don’t have friends, Chinelo introduce me to someone na.”
I felt trapped. Like, what was I supposed to do? Tell her to leave? Let her stay in my house alone? Me, if I had to book a hotel that night just to make sure she wasn’t alone in my space, I would have. So I just said Fine, let’s go.
What was her mood like while you were getting ready?
She wanted all the details. “Who is he, what does he do, how do you know him?” I showed her pictures, and she started with “hmmm hmmmm Nawa oooo…and he likes you?” The way she said “and he likes YOU”, I’m not even going to lie, it annoyed me, but I ignored it.
Then she started asking to borrow my jewellery, my shoes. I told her no, what you’re wearing is perfect, you’re already dressed, let’s just go.
What were you wearing?
I kept it simple: oversized white shirt, denim shorts, and a leg chain. Very chill, but I knew I looked good. I also used my favourite perfume. I’m obsessed with perfumes, like genuinely obsessed.
That day I layered two. The main one was Pure Seduction, it’s a perfume oil, very sensual. I mix it with my body oil and massage it into my skin, especially on my neck and wrists. Then I topped it with this oud fragrance I love. The oud traps everything and keeps it strong, but the Pure Seduction on top is what people really smell when they hug you. It is the most expensive one I own.
A few days before, I’d ordered it online. The dispatch guy was delivering it the same day my friend happened to be outside my gate. I told him to just give it to her since she was there.
By the time I got home, she had already opened the packaging, the bubble wrap, everything. and pulled out the receipt. The first thing out of her mouth was “Ah ah Chinelo, why would you spend this kind of money on perfume? Is it not just perfume?”
How much was it?
Let’s just say it wasn’t cheap. But me I love perfumes. If I can afford it and I love it, I’m buying it. I don’t care about the price. I like mixing my scents, and I like smelling good all day. That’s my thing.
She went on and on that day. “Nawa oh babe, you be man, spending so much money on one bottle of perfume.” I just brushed it off.
So she knew exactly how expensive that perfume was.
Exactly. Keep that in mind.
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Okay, so you’re dressed, she’s dressed, you’re heading to the restaurant. What happened when you got there?
We met the guys, and everything was going well. The restaurant was nice, kind of upscale. Everyone was in a good mood. The waitress complimented my legs, my guy’s friend hugged me and said I smelled amazing. Just normal, nice vibes.
Then what?
Her whole face changed. At first, she had this mischievous look, like she was plotting something. Then it turned into a smirk. I know that look. I’ve seen it before. It’s the look she gets right before she’s about to embarrass someone. I knew something was coming, but I didn’t know how bad.
What did she say?
Right there at the table, loud enough for everyone to hear, she goes: “This your cheap perfume has really lasted oo, hmmm.” Then she paused and added, “It’s not by big bumbum and full leg o, but can it grind well? Hahahaha.”
I’m sorry, what?
I’m telling you. In front of my guy, his friend, the waitress who was standing nearby, and everyone. I froze. I literally could not swallow the food in my mouth.
What was your man’s reaction?
He was disgusted. You could see it on his face. He didn’t even wait. He called the waiter over immediately and said, “Pack her food as takeaway.” He pulled out his phone and ordered her a ride.
Wait, he kicked her out?
We did more than that. When the Uber arrived, I grabbed my bag and told her, “Come, let’s go.” She was confused, looking at me like “ah ah, why are we leaving? Are you not enjoying yourself? Chinelo, are you not enjoying yourself?”
I didn’t respond. I just took her handbag and the takeaway food, and we walked to the car outside.
Then?
When we got to the car, I opened the door, put her things inside, and told her to get in. She got in thinking we were going somewhere together. Then I counted out cash, handed it to the Uber driver, and told her: “Block my number. This is the last time we’ll ever cross paths. You will not embarrass me anymore. If I see you anywhere near my house, I will label you a thief. Block my number right now.”
She just kept saying “ah ah Chinelo!” I didn’t say another word. I paid the driver and walked back into the restaurant.
Did she try to follow you?
She didn’t get the chance. Apparently, while I was outside, my guy had already told security not to let her back in. When I came back inside, security was just standing there watching. He told me, “I’ve informed them, if she tries to come back and wants trouble, they’ll handle it.”
It’s funny now, but in that moment, I almost felt bad for her. Almost.
What was going through your mind?
I had so many thoughts. Like, what if my guy wasn’t mature? What if he didn’t have my back? What if he’d laughed along with her or made me feel like I was overreacting? Because she’s done this before with other guys I’ve brought around, and not all of them defended me.
That was your final straw.
In that exact moment, something cleared. If it were juju, the spell broke right there. I realised I didn’t want her in my life anymore, not in my space, not breathing the same air as me. I could see it clearly: this girl is the type who would poison someone for being successful. She’s the kind of person who would rather see you fail than watch you win.
And where I’m headed in life, I can’t have that kind of energy around me.
Have you heard from her since?
She doesn’t have my number anymore. I changed it. And she can’t reach me through mutual friends because all our uni friends cut her off, too.
Why?
She slept with one of our friends’ husbands. It was a whole scandal.
Tell me.
Our friend had travelled to see her sick mum. She has three kids, so her nanny was watching the baby, and the house girl was handling the other children. Somehow, this girl ended up at the house while our friend was away.
The nanny called our friend and said, “Your friend is still here. She’s been here two days, and I saw her wearing your robe this morning.” Our friend came back early, went upstairs to her husband’s room, they sleep separately, and found this girl in the bed. The husband had already left for work.
What?
Yes! That’s how shameless she is. When our friend confronted her, and the fight started, the gateman had to drag her out. While they were removing her, they discovered she’d stolen the husband’s wristwatch, jewellery, and some of our friend’s new clothes, tags still on.
So no, nobody talks to her anymore. She’s burned every bridge.
Wow. You dodged a bullet. Looking back, what’s your biggest lesson from all this?
People don’t change. Man or woman, a piece of shit is a piece of shit. I used to make excuses, thinking “oh, she’s going through something” or “maybe I’m being too harsh.” But I’ve learned that some people are just toxic, and no amount of loyalty will fix them.
What would you tell other women who have a friend like this?
Watch their expressions. Not everyone uses words to show you who they are; sometimes it’s in how they look at you, especially around people you care about. Pay attention.
And don’t tell your friends everything. I’m serious. Right now, I don’t tell people even 2% of what’s happening in my life. Don’t tell them the good stuff, especially if anything, only share the bad things. The fake ones will run away, and that’s perfect.
Watch body language. Watch what they say and do around the people you value. Those are your real red flags.
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