Every week, Zikoko spotlights the unfiltered stories of women navigating life, love, identity and everything in between.
What She Said will give women the mic to speak freely, honestly and openly, without shame about sex, politics, family, survival, and everything else life throws our way.
Gigi*, 24, from Nairobi, spent two years as the other woman. She watched him deceive his girlfriend with elaborate lies, fake locations and effortless manipulation.
She told herself the same thing wouldn’t happen to her. Now she can’t trust any man, because she knows exactly how easy it is to build a secret life.
How did you meet him?
We met at a concert. I was actually with another man at the time, a friend who became my boyfriend. I saw him walk by and was immediately intrigued. He looked tall, handsome, and sure of himself. With a little bit of liquid courage, I approached him, told him I liked what I saw and asked for his number. It was an ego thing for me then, and that was as far as I was willing to take it. I called him so he could get mine, then deleted his number from my phone. If he was interested, he’d reach out.
And did he?
We didn’t talk for months, until one day he saw me on TikTok and sent me a DM telling me that I looked familiar. I had forgotten the whole ordeal at that point, so I thought it was just a corny line until he reminded me about the concert. He was single at the time.
He asked for my number and called me immediately, and we got to talking. He was very straightforward and asked me what I wanted out of talking to him and if I was ready to be in a relationship. He must’ve liked my answers, because he asked me out. But it was to the club, so I knew he wasn’t going to take me seriously.
Still, I went out with him and had a fun night out, then went back home. The next time we hung out was at another concert, and this time I went home with him and we spent the entire weekend together.
So when did the girlfriend enter the picture?
That first weekend we spent together, he asked me if I liked him enough to date, and I said no. He told me he was also talking to another woman, and eventually, he decided to go with her. That was the first time I experienced someone choosing another person over me. It hurt, actually.
But you stayed?
I considered it my “grey moral area.”
Grey moral area?
I am a sucker for a gentleman. It’s very easy to win me over when I feel like you know what needs to be done and you do it without being asked. I found him emotionally intelligent. He would anticipate my needs and fulfil them without me having to ask. And it wasn’t just the big things. I would lie uncomfortably on his sofa, and he would immediately get me a pillow. If he saw that I wanted to drink some water and there was none left in my cup, he’d get it for me. I found him extremely considerate.
And the conversations were great, because he was also book smart. I felt like I was in a judgment-free zone because there was nothing I could tell him that shocked him. That means I could be authentically myself and he’d just accept it. These qualities made it easy for me to justify being with him.
So you fell in love with him?
Hmmmm. There was a short period of time when I could have sworn I loved him, but looking back, I was just infatuated and maybe had a little crush on him. It became a manageable emotion, and as time progressed, it dissipated completely, and we became actual friends, so I genuinely enjoyed him as a person.
How did you manage knowing he had a girlfriend the whole time?
It was a struggle, but I learned to take it as it was: moments between two people who enjoyed each other, without expecting it to turn into anything substantive. It would, of course, suck when he would take me to places, then meet his girlfriend after, or talk to me about her, but the more he did those things, the more I detached and started viewing the affair as something of a side quest. Doing it for the plot type thing.
Wait. He would talk to you about her?
We spoke about her. I knew her name, what she did, where she stayed, and her life story. It was like I was secretly third-wheeling their relationship. I knew when they got into fights and made excuses for her, convinced him to forgive her in situations where he felt he couldn’t. It was like I was making up for the betrayal by consistently vouching for her, validating her feelings, and asking him to talk things out with her.
Why would you do that?
I don’t know. Maybe guilt? Maybe trying to balance the scales somehow? But the strangest part was when she would call while I was there.
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What would happen when she called?
I had never experienced that sort of thing, so at first I was heavily disturbed and a little heartbroken, but not for me. For her. I would go sit away from them as they were usually on video call, and she must not have trusted him much herself, because she would ask to see his room so she could confirm that he was alone.
I swore to myself time and again that I wouldn’t allow it to happen to me, but I kept going back, and it kept happening, and I guess the human spirit really is resilient. I lost a bit of my soul every time it happened, and soon his asking me to leave just became part of the experience. I stopped being bothered. When that happened, I would sit in the living room and watch a comfort show until he came to tell me they were done talking.
But you kept going back. Why?
I did mention that I am a sucker for a gentleman. He opened all doors for me, cooked for me, was emotionally available (when we hung out), introduced me to his friends, got me flowers, gave me advice, and he was a great lay, of course. I didn’t think I wanted a relationship when I was seeing him, so all these things became a substitute, like getting relationship treatment without being in one.
So how did it end?
He wrote me a long paragraph in the middle of the night explaining that we could no longer see each other because he had decided to start being faithful, which I found ridiculous, because cheating taints you, and changes you, and once you start doing it you cannot stop. I read the paragraph, then blocked him: let him figure things out by himself.
It didn’t really bother me, surprisingly. I found other things to do and moved on from the situation very quickly. That’s when the epiphany that I was not as in love as I had thought I was hit.
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What would happen when she called?
I had never experienced that sort of thing, so at first I was heavily disturbed and a little heartbroken, but not for me. For her. I would go sit away from them as they were usually on video call, and she must not have trusted him much herself, because she would ask to see his room so she could confirm that he was alone.
I swore to myself time and again that I wouldn’t allow it to happen to me, but I kept going back, and it kept happening, and I guess the human spirit really is resilient. I lost a bit of my soul every time it happened, and soon his asking me to leave just became part of the experience. I stopped being bothered. When that happened, I would sit in the living room and watch a comfort show until he came to tell me they were done talking.
But you kept going back. Why?
I did mention that I am a sucker for a gentleman. He opened all doors for me, cooked for me, was emotionally available (when we hung out), introduced me to his friends, got me flowers, gave me advice, and he was a great lay, of course. I didn’t think I wanted a relationship when I was seeing him, so all these things became a substitute, like getting relationship treatment without being in one.
So how did it end?
He wrote me a long paragraph in the middle of the night explaining that we could no longer see each other because he had decided to start being faithful, which I found ridiculous, because cheating taints you, and changes you, and once you start doing it you cannot stop. I read the paragraph, then blocked him: let him figure things out by himself.
It didn’t really bother me, surprisingly. I found other things to do and moved on from the situation very quickly. That’s when the epiphany that I was not as in love as I had thought I was hit.
Would you have ended it yourself if he hadn’t?
No, I would not have walked away. Our connection became something of a convenience, and it worked for me, so I would’ve stayed until it became inconvenient for me.
That’s… intense. How do you feel about it now?
The experience ruined the naïveté I had when approaching relationships. It brought to light the fact that nothing can tame a man who has decided to be wild. They would be on the phone all the time; she had his location on, but he would send me money, then leave his phone at home and then take me out on a date. I would then pay with the money he sent me.
Nothing a man does will ever make me fully trust him, because I know that for as long as we’re not physically together, he really could be building a whole other life with someone else. I have sworn off dating since then.
Sworn off dating completely?
I have not tried dating after the experience, and at times, I feel like I sold my soul in exchange. I cannot form a connection with a man whom I already don’t trust, so I have stuck to casual flings that require no accountability. It’s a slippery slope, I admit, but that’s just what it is.
Trust is off the table for me, and that applies to every single man I have met after the situation and will meet beyond. It is now an abstract word that means nothing to me.
What do you think you were searching for in all of this?
I think I entered it without thinking of the long-term emotional repercussions. I thought I was doing something “for the plot,” but it damaged me in ways committed relationships have not. I liked the attention, but it was very inconsistent because we would only talk exclusively when we were physically together.
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How do you see yourself now after everything?
I have had to make peace with the fact that I cannot call myself a good person, because I intentionally became intimate with a man I was fully aware was in a relationship with another woman. I also cannot call myself a bad person, because my intention was not to hurt her or cause her any pain. I’m just a human being.
Sometimes I indulge in destructive tendencies for fun, or curiosity. I am not above many things I thought I was above, and most of the things I have judged about other people, I have ended up doing. That humbles you. It has taught me to give myself grace and extend it to others. All I can do is try to be better every day.
If you could go back and tell your younger self something, what would it be?
I would have told her that the temporary thrill she was after would cause lifelong consequences, and to think carefully before giving in. I would tell her to use that time to build herself, find hobbies, and find her person. I would tell her to protect the trust she had for other people, the benefit of the doubt she gave so easily. I would tell her to be more considerate of the other woman, and maybe to warn her about what was happening so she was aware.
What’s the biggest lesson you’ve learned?
The biggest lesson I learned was that people will do what feels good to them without thinking of anybody else. They will lie to you, betray you, and all those other things, as long as it makes them feel good. This realisation has made me become selfish in my dealings with others.
I have also learned that cheating can never be termed as a mistake. It requires a lot of scheming, and therefore, a lot of thought goes into its planning and actualisation. It also made me very scared of getting into a relationship, because imagine another woman knowing every detail of my life, and I’m just seated there, unaware.
I have learned that love is a facade, and so is faithfulness. Do I think that there are men who don’t cheat on their partners? Possibly, but I am so far removed from the concept that I don’t think they exist. But maybe that’s also just me, condemning myself to eternal damnation as atonement.
I have learned to focus on myself and to suppress the need to be loved because love and betrayal are served on the same platter, where I come from.
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Names* have been changed for anonymity.
