What She Said is a Zikoko series spotlighting the unfiltered stories of women navigating life, love, identity, and everything in between — in their own words. Every Wednesday, we give women the mic to speak freely, honestly, and without shame about sex, politics, family, survival, and everything else life throws our way.
A 25-year-old woman reflects on having sex with three men, two of whom are her brother’s friends, over the course of a year. She’s currently in a relationship with the third guy but now feels emotionally exhausted and unsure of both her relationship and her desires.
What was your relationship with sex like before all of this happened?
I’d always been curious about sex. I’d read books when I was younger, and they made sex look passionate. But I also grew up in a very religious home where my mum was quick to believe in religious prophecies. A pastor once told her that if I had sex before marriage, I wouldn’t go far in life. Somehow, they managed to link the greatness of my destiny with sex.
It didn’t help when it took me five tries to get into the university. It wasn’t because I didn’t have high scores; I just couldn’t get admission for my course of choice. It made me question the prophecy, to be honest. The prophet said that if I had sex, my education would suffer. My mum used to say, “If your daughter wants to know book, she should stay away from sex.” But I wasn’t having sex, and still, I found it hard to get into the university. Still, just to be safe, I avoided sex.
Where did the belief about staying a virgin until marriage come from?
It mostly came from family. My mum married young, as a virgin. She wasn’t even 18, and she says it proudly every time. I sometimes wish she’d married a little older. Then it would have been easier to compare. Because technically, when I was at the age she got married, I was still a virgin.
I just feel her expectations of being a virgin in your mid-twenties would have been understandable if she was one at that age. She married in her late teens, and so by her mid-20s, she was already giving birth. She couldn’t possibly have been a virgin. The hypocrisy was infuriating at best.
Then there’s, of course, religion.
Do you think there’s a difference between how you feel about sex itself and the experiences you’ve had?
I don’t really think there is. To me, it’s just a sweaty exercise between two people, which can sometimes be sweetly fascinating.
What was your relationship like with the first guy?
He was my brother’s friend, but we had our own relationship. I didn’t trust him enough to sleep with him, though. The thought crossed my mind once or twice, and that was it. I had no plans of acting on it. I also didn’t think it was on his mind.
We had a cool relationship. He was someone I could call on whenever I had issues or stressors about school, and he would help me. Like, he’d never turn his back on me. That was how I saw him then. I was 23 and he was 30.
He eventually became my first. I don’t like talking about it. I shared the experience with a friend, and she says it was non-consensual sex. I’d rather not think about it too much.
You said you had sex with three men in the same year. What happened with the second guy, your brother’s other friend?
I’d been seeing him around my brother’s house that same year, and we had an amicable vibe going on. It wasn’t enough to call it a relationship of any kind. We were not friends. We’d just gist sometimes. Even when he had my number, we’d text, but that’s where it stopped. We never had a conversation about sex, and I never really thought about it. He was in his late twenties.
I’d say I was too trusting. That’s why, when he texted me to hang out, I gladly obliged. When we were coming back, I asked if I could stay at his place because I hadn’t had a good sleep due to school stress. Till this day, I do not know why I did that. I just wanted to be out of my house. He agreed, but when I got my bags, he gave a story about how his place was far and he didn’t want me to miss class the next day.
That should have been my cue to tell him to take me back, but I ignored it. We went to a sublet apartment, and I just went straight to bed. When he started touching me on the bed, I should have warned him, but I didn’t. So even when I said I didn’t want to have sex, it didn’t stop him from going on.
I was still fully clothed and was surprised when he pushed my pants aside and inserted himself inside me. It didn’t even last five seconds before he came. I was disappointed, both at the sex and the fact that it happened, but I didn’t say anything.
Why did you go back to him after that?
I think familiarity, honestly. I went out to the club with friends, had too much to drink, and ended up calling him to give me a lift. I was too drunk, and we ended up doing it again.
Why did you tell your brother?
Because I didn’t trust men enough to keep their mouths shut. I actually thought the guy would tell someone, and then my brother would find out. To me, it was better I confessed first.
I didn’t know what he was going to say, actually, but then he didn’t react. He was actually laughing about it.
What happened when your brother finally reacted?
When the explosion happened, I was shocked.
I was at his house. He just brought it up as a random conversation when he was talking. I tried to laugh it off, but then he got really angry and insulted me. He later admitted that no one actually told him; he just suspected it and used the opportunity to lash out.
Afterwards, he acted like nothing happened, but the damage was done. I couldn’t trust him anymore. So I started making plans to leave his house, and I moved in with a friend.
How did your current relationship begin?
He was a 33-year-old man who had been trying to woo me, but I wasn’t really interested then. When I left my brother’s house to stay with my friend, I reached out to him. I told him everything that happened with my brother. I didn’t hide anything, but sometimes I wish I did.
He was nice to me. He even offered to talk to my brother for me. So when he started asking for a relationship, I didn’t know how to say no.
What’s he like as a partner?
He’s a good guy. I don’t think I can say anything bad about him. He might even be some ladies’ “answered prayers,” but he’s not mine.
I once mentioned the no-sex thing to him, and he didn’t react too well. We’re currently long-distance. So we were texting and I told him I was considering celibacy and he was bluntly honest, he said he wasn’t doing such with me and that if I didn’t want a relationship, I should say so.
He later laughed it off like I was joking. I didn’t want it to be the cause of our problems, so I didn’t bring it up again. I’ll be travelling back in two months and I’ll bring it up again. If he doesn’t consent to it, then I’ll walk away.
Do you see yourself marrying him?
I’m sceptical. My mum won’t even agree to it because he’s not from our tribe. I want to break up with him, but I feel bad about it. He’s always trying to help me. I really don’t know. My parents are trying to link me up with someone from my tribe.
I haven’t met the guy, but to be honest, if my parents really like him and he looks okay to me, I might just accept.
What would taking a break look like for you right now?
I’d stay away from everyone who knew about my past. Start afresh.
I forgot to mention: My brother told all his friends what happened, even his girlfriends. It feels like everyone knows. That’s what hurts the most: my brother betraying me like that.
I was going to overlook it, but he even brought it up again during a recent argument, right in front of his friends. That broke me completely.
Have you ever had sex where you felt completely safe?
No. I don’t think I’ve ever felt safe or loved during sex. Maybe that’s why I need this break. For me, sex should involve someone who understands my needs and genuinely cares. The guys I’ve been with have been selfish. I didn’t realise men could be selfish in bed until I experienced it.
How has your idea of consent changed after these experiences?
For one, I don’t think I’ll allow myself to be in that kind of private space with a guy again. And even if I do, my no is no, whether weak or firm.
If I say no and you feel the need to continue, I’ll brand it as rape. I don’t care.
What happened when you tried telling your story anonymously online?
I did, and I was judged. The “community members” of the page dragged me to filth. I was called all sorts of names. Some even claimed their sisters weren’t that foolish, some said me going to school was a waste, and others claimed they were smarter and saints during their own time.
One thing is that no one sympathised with me. I deleted my social media account for a while because of that. Nigerians aren’t nice people, especially in situations like this. I cried myself to sleep for days.
I don’t even know what I wanted them to say, but I know they wouldn’t judge their sisters or daughters if they were the ones in my place. Heck, some of them are probably doing worse than I.
Do you feel like you’re carrying shame that isn’t yours?
Probably. I’ve always been the good girl, the one everyone looks up to. Making this type of mistake was never supposed to happen. Not to me.
I was made to believe, even before I knew what sex was, that if I had sex before marriage, bad things would happen to me, especially in my education.
Funny, I had sex, and my education still thrived.
What do you need right now?
I just need a break. Peace and grace to forget about everything.
The men I was involved with aren’t terrible people. They wouldn’t say nasty things about me if they saw me today. But things happened, and I just need space from all of it.
If you knew no one would judge you, what would you do about your relationship today?
I’d break up with my boyfriend. He deserves someone who loves him fully, and I know that person isn’t me.
But the fear of him having an emotional breakdown, and me being judged for being the cause — that’s what’s keeping me with him.
What would you tell someone going through something similar?
I haven’t even figured it all out yet, but I’d say try to stop judging yourself. I’m going through all this because I’m judging myself too much.
If you let go and don’t think too much of it, maybe you’ll be fine. Mistakes happen, and you’re meant to grow from them.
What do you want people to take away from your story?
That I regret what happened, and I wish I had handled things differently. They happened because I enabled them. But I’ve learnt my lessons
I’m not a saint, but I’m not a bad person either. That’s why I’m taking a break. I’ve been celibate for six months now, and I intend to keep it that way.
Click this to see what other people are saying about this article on social media
You’ll Also Enjoy Reading: I Was Twice Divorced at 28 and Happier Than Ever
