Every week, Zikoko spotlights the unfiltered stories of women navigating life, love, identity and everything in between.
What She Said will give women the mic to speak freely, honestly and openly, without shame about sex, politics, family, survival, and everything else life throws our way.
Demi*, a 28-year-old, met Fola* on Bumble after a two-year dating break. He was thoughtful, gentle, cooked groundnut soup, and adored her daughter. He also had secrets. Four months into their relationship, Fola died. And as she tried to grieve, she discovered a eulogy site with tributes from a woman who’d been with him for years. A woman she didn’t know existed.
When you reached out to share your story, you said this relationship was Oscar-worthy. What made it so? Give us the gist.
Oscar-worthy might be pushing it, but the drama was definitely giving Nollywood. It’s even more wild because I had dreamt about “another woman,” and because I was so naive, I told him about it. His response was, “You’ve been thinking about me too much.”
We met on Bumble. This was after being single for almost two years, and I thought it was a good time to get into the game. I had moved from Abuja to Lagos, and nobody gave me the gist about Lagos men. I avoided the flashy ones because they were the typical “Playboy” aesthetic, and I wasn’t ready to use my heart to “play Ludo.” Or so I thought.
Fola lived two streets away from me, and so our first “date” was a walk around our estate. We clicked instantly. He had the most precious face and the sexiest tattoos, was so soft-spoken, and he seemed gentle. The only red flag was that he had japa plans the next year, so our connection was on a timer. One month into the talking stage, he asked me to officially be his girlfriend. I’d later find out that was when he and his actual babe were on a break, and he was “moving on.” The whole time, he said he’d been single for almost four years.
What was your first impression of Fola? What about him made you think, “Hmm, maybe this is different”?
Fola was hardworking, not the typical laptop boy. He had a thriving apparel business alongside a 9–5. He could also make a mean groundnut soup. And anything that concerns the kitchen stresses me out. Fola always assured me he’d pick up that slack because he didn’t mind. He really was the textbook-perfect boyfriend.
Hmm, “textbook perfect boyfriend.” Tell us more. What did that look like for you?
He was attentive, soft-spoken and very respectful. I’m a single mother, and Fola was the first man to treat me like a woman first, before treating me like a mother. He was playful with my daughter and always made my family feel comfortable whenever he came over. In 26 years, I had never received a Christmas gift. Fola was the first man to make it a big deal, and it meant the world to me.
He sounds like he was sweet. Yet, you said you were together for four months, and you never saw his house? How did he explain that away?
To be fair, I didn’t push, mainly because I was practising celibacy. Going over to his was a temptation because that man was a hunk! But I felt more accountable with family around. Plus, he lived with family too, and I didn’t want to be “that girl.” So, in a sense, I avoided being seen. But it played back in my face.
Was there anything that felt off, even slightly? Or were you fully convinced he was the one for you?
I noticed a particular name pop up on his phone in December, and that was when Detty December was popping. But I’m not an outgoing person, and I prioritise being with my child. So, he was going out a lot, and apparently, this person was in town. I noticed the shift in communication, but I was super busy with work and didn’t push for anything.
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What were you doing when you found the eulogy site? How did you even get there?
He died of hospital negligence in a different city, so I couldn’t be with him. I reached out to a friend on IG, and he sent me the website to keep me updated with funeral activities. It was mind-blowing. That was when I realised I didn’t know a single person from his family; he was always at mine, and I was content with that.
He had made New Year’s videos for all his friends. Each person got a wish for the new year. I saw one post from a girl, the exact same video he had made for me. The intro was “Hey baby” or was it “My woman?,” and I froze.
This guy made the same video and sent it to both of us. From her eulogy, they had been together for a long time, and he was going to reconnect with her when he japa’d. So yeah, I clocked that I was the side piece.
When you realised he had a girlfriend after he had passed, what was your first thought?
I cried like hell. That singular event made me give my life to Christ.
Did you lose your mind a little? Cry more? Laugh? Snoop? Call someone? What happened in the next few hours or days?
I went to buy a new camera and a new phone to make myself happy. But it made me even more sad. Nothing could make me feel better after that level of betrayal.
It was even more painful because he had FaceTimed me on his deathbed to tell me how much he loved me and sent the nurse’s number in case I couldn’t reach him. I couldn’t reconcile it at all.
How did your body carry the shock — like did your appetite change, were you moving mad, praying, plotting…?
The funny thing about me is, I can never lose my appetite lol. I was binge eating, sha, but I didn’t spiral. I was just quieter than normal. I joked about my situation with my siblings a lot, and their laughter was healing for me.
Did you ever reach out to the girlfriend? Or any of his people? Would you have wanted to?
I reached out to her via her email from the website. Not to spite her, but I thought it’d give her comfort knowing this person hurt her too. She didn’t believe me, and it sucked. I had to share photos and chats to convince her. Looking back now, I should have just let her have whatever memory she had of him.
I still loved him in the pain. Lowkey, I still do because in the time we were together, he wasn’t bad to me.
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You said it wrecked you so much you gave your life to Christ. What did that look like in real time? An altar call or you and your pillow crying at 2 a.m.?
Altar call o. Waking up at midnight, wailing and shouting, “Jesus, na me be this?” I went through all of that. But I spoke with a counsellor at church, and I felt better.
Did the betrayal mess with your sense of self or what you deserve in love? In what ways?
Not at all. I actually wanted to date again. That relationship made me see how much of myself I could share with a person. I longed to have that again, but for a much longer time.
How did you try to move on? Were you deleting chats, stalking his socials, praying him out of your soul?
Oh, I deleted all our chats, pictures, and unfollowed his accounts. I regret it because his accounts were all private, and now I’ll never be able to see his face again.
You also said you entered more shege after. What happened there? Tell us why you think you still walked into another mess.
I fell into the trap of dating your best friend. After Fola died, my best friend asked me out, and I agreed. But that boy and his mother wanted to send me to the grave with Fola. From mandatory night vigils to manipulation in the name of marriage. I ran away.
Tell us your story here!
Do you still keep tabs on the other babe?
Who? The babe? Haven’t seen her profile in years. After I deleted our emails and blocked her on my former socials, I wanted to end the entire situation.
Do you think you’ve learned anything, or are you still collecting red flags for museum display?
At this point, the Holy Spirit is in charge of my fate, because clearly, I don’t have sense. But I’ve given dating a break for now.
What would you tell another woman reading this who’s ignoring signs or confused about her partner’s story?
Ask as many questions as you need to. Meet friends. Insist on meeting at least one family member. Listen to your instincts.
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