Every week, Zikoko spotlights the unfiltered stories of women navigating life, love, identity and everything in between.
What She Said will give women the mic to speak freely, honestly and openly, without shame about sex, politics, family, survival, and everything else life throws our way.
Keji* was 5 years old the first time a trusted adult violated her body. She didn’t know it was abuse; no one had ever told her it could be. She’s 26 now, and she’s still learning that the shame was never hers to carry. This is what she said.
TW: Childhood Sexual Abuse
Can you introduce yourself?
I’m Keji. I’m 26, and I’m a storyteller.
How would you describe your childhood and home environment?
It was full, but at the same time, lonely. My parents were 9-5ers, so they left us in the hands of neighbours, family members, and housekeepers. I have a lot of good memories, but emotionally, I was a very lonely child. There were times I needed my parents, and they just weren’t there.
I barely paid attention to my home environment tbh. Like I’ve said, my parents were barely around, so I wasn’t really aware of how my environment worked. I was just really occupied with playing with my friends and going back home.
Considering that absence, what was your relationship with your parents like?
My mum tried her best to be thereemotionally and physically, but she left home early and returned late. On mostdays, I only had about 30 minutes of real daughter-mother time with her. My dad was even worse. He also woke up early and got back home late, but I also preferred to avoid tbh.
Therewas actually a time when he was my favourite parent, but when he started using his cane instead of words, I made sure to stay out of his way. I was sometimes so scared of pissing him off. So yeah, my mum and I were really, really close. My dad and I? Nope.
Who were the adults you were mostly around growing up?
God, a lot of them. My older relatives, aunts, uncles, our house helps, my mum’s friends, my aunts’ friends, and older people who occasionally babysat me. I don’t think I remember a single moment where I wasn’t surrounded by an adult. My parents felt it was the best solution because they didn’t want my siblings and me to be alone. But it also meant a lot of different people had access to me.
Also, my parents’ unavailability meant I didn’t really receive any form of sex education. The only thing I was ever told was, “Don’t let any man touch you or you’ll get pregnant.” I didn’t even properly understand what sex was until secondary school. So when certain things happened earlier in my life, I didn’t have the language or the awareness to recognise theabuse.
What do you mean? When did you first begin to realise some of your early experiences were actually abuse?
I started to realise that I was a victim in senior secondary school. It’s like my brain had blocked out those memories. But one day, I was having a conversation with a friend about the sexual abuse she experienced as a child. As she spoke, my mind started unlocking bits and pieces of my own memories. Small things started resurfacing, moments with trusted adults who had access to me as a child. That’s when I began to understand that what happened to me wasn’t normal.
What is your earliest memory of being taken advantage of?
I don’t even remember how it started. I was maybe 5. I don’t even remember how it started, but our houseboy had a habit of dry humping against me. I thought it felt nice, so I continued to let him do it. I didn’t think anything was wrong with it. And he would promise me things I’d always wanted, so yeah. My child’s mind was just… confused.
Then there was another houseboy when I was around age 9. He would come into my room around 6 am, when my parents had already left for work or were gone to pray, so no one was around. He would just basically cover his entire body with mine and either finger me or rub himself against me. I think by that point, my subconscious was starting to register that something wasn’t exactly normal, because after it happened repeatedly for a month, I started locking my door before I went to sleep.
Did these experiences feel abnormal to you at the time?
With the first housemaid? It felt pretty normal, I can’t lie. It was just a daily occurrence for me. I didn’t think anything was wrong with it. With the other one, something in me was starting to shift; locking the door l was a sign that even if I couldn’t name it, a part of me knew it was wrong.
Over what period did these experiences occur?
Roughly between the ages of 5 and 13.
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Were these people considered trusted adults in your environment?
Oh yeah, definitely. The house helps, my mum’s friend’s daughter, my aunt’s friend. These were all people my parents felt they could place their trust in.
There was another person — my mum’s friend’s daughter, who babysat me sometimes when my parents travelled. My mum trusted her mum completely, so she trusted her with us. I don’t exactly remember when it started, but she would just lie down on the couch and motion for me to come to her with her finger. And I would. She asked me to give her oral sex every time she babysat me. It happened for a while.
What I find strange, and this part stuck with me, is that when I was older, around 12 or 13. So I started to just intensely dislike her. There was this part of me that knew, on some level, that she had done something awful to me, even though I couldn’t fully remember yet. So I was just… hating her.
Then there was my aunt’s friend. My aunt was like my main babysitter, and she took me everywhere, including to his place. Sometimes she’d be busy with work and drop me off there, because she trusted him like that. I don’t remember everything he did, and I think my brain is protecting me from a lot of it. But I know he did finger me quite a lot. And God, I was a child, but I think I liked it?
I remember that whenever he had a friend over, I would be disappointed because he stopped when they were around. I didn’t understand why he always stopped. I was so young. I didn’t understand anything.
I am so sorry you went through this. Do you think your parents’ absence affected your safety?
Very much. If my mum had been around more, I probably would have just innocently yapped about everything. As a child, I always wanted to tell her things. But she never asked questions about any of this; she never asked if anyone was moving weirdly, or anything specific about the people around us. So I never said anything. Not because I was hiding it. Just because no one asked.
When did you start realising what you went through was abuse?
While my memories slowly began to unlock in senior secondary school, the dam broke completely in university when I started exploring intimacy with others. I would suddenly get intrusive images and memories of being touched while half asleep, of being left in someone’s care as a child. It all just started flooding back.
How did it feel emotionally when those memories returned?
Exhausting. I remember a day when I was recounting everything. I thought about how all the house help we had, both male and female, had somehow violated me. I thought of my relatives’ friends, my babysitters, all these people who just had access to me as a child. And I started laughing and crying at the same time. I was just thinking, “God. Wow. I was really run through as a child.” The weight of it felt surreal.
I am sorry. How did those experiences affect how you saw yourself?
For a long time, I hid my body. Growing up, adults always mentioned how my body was provocative, and whenever I complained about being touched against my will as a teenager, someone would point out, “Well, look at your body.” I matured physically quickly and internalised a lot of shame because of it.
When my memories started unlocking, I convinced myself it was because my body. Maybe that was why they felt like they could get access to me. So for a long time, I wore really unflattering outfits. Baggy jeans. I did my best to look like a mess, hiding behind scattered hair and clothes that hid everything. I thought that people wouldn’t pay too much attention to my body if I looked like that.
How did those early experiences affect your relationship with intimacy?
I began to back away from intimacy in general. I could be kissing someone and genuinely enjoying it, but the moment their hands started wandering, I would panic and push them away. And even on the occasions when I did get to like, maybe second base, I always had this urge to run immediately after.
For a long time, I hated being in bed with someone once we were done. My heart would just start racing, and I’d make up an excuse to leave. Sometimes I’d even text a friend and ask them to call me with a fake emergency so I’d have a reason to go.
Did you ever get to a point where you became comfortable with physical intimacy?
Yes, but it honestly took an embarrassing amount of time. All my suppressed memories started coming back around 2021, and I only started letting partners get more physically close, letting them see my body, around 2025. So it took about four years.
I’ll also say this: as a child, I didn’t understand what it was, but I was hypersexual. I always just wanted to kiss and dry hump anyone because I had been introduced to it so young. I kissed a lot of boys and girls my age who were willing to. Before I even turned 11, I had already mastered the art of dry humping because my body just always felt like it needed it. I didn’t have the word for it then. I do now.
Do you think the lack of proper sex education played a role in your experiences?
Oh yeah, definitely. “Don’t let a man touch you or you’ll get pregnant”, and then the first time a man touched me, I didn’t get pregnant. So in my head, I was just like, “Oh, so that’s a bunch of bull,” and I just continued to let everyone and anyone touch me.
I think if my parents had sat me down and given me proper sex education, I could have protected myself better. But they probably thought, “She’s 5, why does she need sex education?”
Everyone treating sex like it’s too big a thing to teach children is causing more harm than good. Like, yeah, of course you want to protect them, but even the littlest sex education could go a long way. It’s fine to teach children about their bodies so they know right from wrong. If you keep hiding it from them like it’s a dirty little secret, they’re going to believe it is one, and they won’t tell you anything.
How are you currently healing from these experiences?
Honestly? I don’t think I’ve properly healed. I tried therapy, and helped a lot,to have a therapist tell me directly that it was not my fault. And I’ve tried my best to remember that it’s not my shame to carry. But there are still times those memories come rushing back, and I think, “Oh, so I’m not healed.”
Healing isn’t linear, I understand that.. For a long time, I was just ashamed, asking myself how I could I have been so stupid.At some point, though, I had to start unlearning that shame.? I’ve started talking about it more in recent years, and hearing other women share their own histories has made it so much easier to be more open.
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I’m happy you’re in a place where you can talk about it. What has helped you feel safer in relationships?
Having partners who understand my experience and are willing to navigate intimacy on my terms. I’m very tactile; I genuinely love physical closeness. But I like it on my own terms. If it gets too much and I start feeling suffocated, I withdraw. And having that boundary respected has made a big difference. In my body, I just remember that I have control over it, and I feel okay. A bit.
What do you wish adults and caregivers understood?
Adults shouldn’t be comfortable leaving their kids with just anyone simply because they trust that person with their own life. Trusting someone with your life is very different from trusting them with your child’s safety. They should askthose questions. Creating space for children to speak freely. Asking specifically, not just “are you okay,” but the harder, more intentional questions.
What would you say to your younger self?
I am so sorry.
What would you want other survivors to know?
You were a child. They knew that, and yet they decided to do it anyway. Please know that it’s not your fault. It was never your fault. Not then. Not now.
You were just a child.
Do you have a story to tell? Kindly fill out this form.
If you or someone you know has experienced sexual violence, please reach out for support:
Mirabel Centre (Nigeria’s first Sexual Assault Referral Centre) — free, confidential medical, psychosocial and legal support: 08187243468 or 08155770000 or 0701 349 1769
DSVA Lagos (Domestic & Sexual Violence Agency) — 24-hour toll-free hotline: 0800 033 3333
WACOL (Women’s Aid Collective) — nationwide support: +234 090 6000 2128
