Sometimes, the weapon formed and fashioned against one parent is the other. After over two decades of marriage, Bimbo’s* father transmitted HIV to her mother. Bimbo has learnt many things from this, chief among them is forgiveness.
This is Bimbo’s* story, as told to Elohozino.
I come from a family of five—my mum, dad and two siblings. I’m the middle child; my sister is two years older than me, and my brother is five years younger. My father is an optometrist and a pastor, while my mother is a businesswoman who supports my dad’s ministry as a deaconess.
Ironically, health has always been important to my family. My siblings and I rarely visited the hospital as kids because of my dad’s profession. I think that also influenced my career choice. Initially, I wanted to be an ophthalmologist to follow in my dad’s footsteps and make him proud. Eventually, I realised it wasn’t my calling and stuck to modelling full-time.
I spent a year living without the full picture.
Things began to fall apart subtly. My mum was admitted so many times for severe malaria. It seemed unusual for someone with an AA genotype, but it was relentless. Medication stopped working, and she constantly needed to be on a drip. I remember she once told me that when I finally got married and had a reliable shoulder to cry on, she would tell me about her health-condition.
My mum turned fifty last year. Two weeks before her birthday, a scandal broke out between my dad and one of his staff members. I think that was when things started falling apart for me. My dad denied the affair, and my mum got so frustrated that she left the house. This was two weeks before her 50th birthday. She left the house and didn’t come back for about two weeks. She didn’t pick up her calls or respond to our messages. But she returned a few days before her birthday, and we had a big party. I remember looking around on her birthday and thinking, if only the people here knew what the last two weeks had been like.
After her birthday, the arguments were constant. It was a stressful period for me because I was closest to my parents, so they would both come to me to complain. I didn’t fully understand their complaints because I didn’t have context then. A year after her birthday, more scandals came to light after he went on a business trip. He fell really ill, and his health deteriorated. My mum was livid because he had overexerted himself during the business trip with his mistress. It was this entire situation that led to me finding out everything.
I was the last person in my family to find out that my dad had HIV.
It was a Monday morning, and my dad woke us up for morning devotion. My mum wasn’t in her usual seat, and I imagined it was because they had argued the night before. I thought she probably wanted to pray alone, so I didn’t worry. When we were done, my mum came in from her morning walk and called my siblings and I out. She started talking about his affairs from the past and present. Then, she looked at me and said, “Do you know your father gave me HIV?”
I was in disbelief. I looked to my siblings for confirmation, and they both nodded. They didn’t tell me because I couldn’t handle it. My dad tried to explain, but his attempt was ridiculous. He said he didn’t have any affairs, and he got the virus playing with things like sand as a child. I left my sister to handle the conversation; I simply couldn’t.
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Apparently, he had it before they got married, and it didn’t affect her until she was pregnant with her fourth child. That pregnancy was fraught with complications, and she didn’t even realise what she had until the doctor told her. I think it was around that time he finally confessed to her.
I’m not sure the situation really affected my perspective on men. Before all this happened, I already decided not to marry because I had seen how miserable many of my relatives were in their marriages. Being happy is far more important than what society has to say. The way the men in my family treat their wives is so wicked, and there’s no remorse. I don’t hold a grudge, but it doesn’t seem fair because most of these women gave up so much for their families. I can’t imagine doing all of that and ending up with HIV. The situation has only strengthened my belief that I’m better off being single. I look at women in marriages and in church these days, wondering what they’re truly going through.
I’ve come to see my mum as just a girl.
Regarding my dad, I’m not sure what to think anymore. I do pity him a lot, though. But every time we think peace might finally reign, my mum discovers something new, and the whole cycle repeats itself. He isn’t remorseful about his nonchalance, and even when my mum asks for damage control funds, he acts like she’s asking for too much. I don’t think my mum will leave him permanently. She prefers to be away for a bit, then come back. Even now, she still prays for God to forgive and heal him.
I’ve come to see my mum very differently as well. She has a short fuse, and we’re very alike, so we’re always fighting. But this ordeal made her so vulnerable. My mum has lost her joy and her health. She also lost her mind after losing a child due to my dad’s carelessness and fell into depression. I’ve realised that I should be more patient with her because, at the end of the day, she’s just a girl who is hurting. Dealing with HIV is not an easy thing.
My siblings have also reached a point of exhaustion. My siblings and I talk about it now and it’s like, ”What’s the worst that could happen now?”We aren’t surprised by anything anymore. For me, I honestly wish I had never found out. I would have preferred not to be on the receiving end of so much trauma. The only thing I’ve taken away from this is forgiveness, not even from my mum to him, but from God. If God could be merciful towards my father and not strike him dead every Sunday when he climbs the altar to preach, even after spending the entire week with his mistress and what he’s done, then who am I to hold a grudge?
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