More often than we think, women get the short end of the stick with sex. While there are numerous reasons for this, one common reason is their inability to speak freely about the things they would like to try and how much they want to have sex. In this article, five women talk about suppressing their sexual desires and why they do it.
‘Men need to be sexually liberated to enjoy sex with women’- Busayo*, 31
I’m currently single but seeing two people casually. When it comes to suppressing my desires in relationships, it’s not something I would say I see through for their duration. I like to unravel in bits instead of showing who I am at once; that way, it’s easier to connect. But most of the time, when I suppress, it’s because they’re usually older. A lot of men pretend to be ‘progressive’, but that’s not true. They’re not open to being with women who are sexually liberated. I think a lot of men need to be sexually liberated to really enjoy sex in their relationships and marriages. They’ll be surprised at the kind of tricks their partners are hiding from them because of the fear of being judged. I don’t like to waste time. Once I see that there’s an issue, I find someone else and move on.
‘The idea of watching people have sex is really hot to me’- Halima*, 28
Every time I date someone, I always feel like I have to suppress my sexual fantasies and libido. Honestly, the issue starts with me; I can be a bit shy and not really say what it is that I want. At the same time, I feel like men won’t just get it if I said this is what I might be into. Some of the things I’d like to try at least once in my life are voyeurism, pain infliction and sensory deprivation. The idea of watching people have sex is really hot to me. Then the other things are just for me, the experience builds up and anticipation.
‘Men are all talk, no action’- Olaide*, 23
I don’t tell men about how much I like sexual activity because I don’t want to come across as too easy or too horny. I’ve thought about having multiple partners, so if one messes up, I can just up and move on to the next. But even that scares me, because will I have to tell them what my desires are just to be judged? One thing I’d really like to try is pegging. I get that a lot of cis heterosexual men might find it emasculating, but I think if they just saw it as incorporating a toy in the mix, they would understand how pleasurable it can be. From what I’ve seen so far, though, men are all talk and no action. Bring up a toy, and suddenly they’re shaking and stammering…total nonsense.
‘I wish my boyfriend and I could have sex every day’- Cynthia*, 25
I’ve been in a long-term relationship for about three years, and things are great. We didn’t start having sex until our second year because I held on to the whole saving myself till marriage for a bit. But omo, life isn’t that serious, please. I think my boyfriend and I are pretty accommodating of our fantasies. Thankfully, we’re not so crazy that the things we like aren’t far-fetched. For example, we watch porn together a lot. One thing we’ve been talking about a lot is swinging. I feel like I may be more into it than he is, but I don’t think it’s something he’s willing to admit. Honestly, even with how good things are, I feel like he still doesn’t know how much I love sex. I wish we could do it every day.
‘My long-term situationship is the only person who knows I like golden showers’- Chisom*, 25
I find it difficult to talk about my sexual fantasies with anybody. Men and women, friends and everybody. And honestly, it’s because I’ve tried. Even the things I’ve said I like to people aren’t particularly bad, but the way they react is so off-putting. Imagine if I tell them I like getting slapped, or I like golden showers. The only person who knows about that, and who I’ve tried it with is my long-term situationship. People I’ve dated don’t know me like that. My issue is that once you start talking about the things you like, they either assume that you’ve done it or that you’ve slept with everybody on your street. Everybody wants to stick to positions as opposed to incorporating things, and honestly, I’m not sure how far we can get with that. But let’s be going, sha.
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