Salewa* had always thought of herself as an overachiever; meaning she always saw herself as someone who ascended the corporate ladder without thinking twice. But sometimes, life doesn’t go as planned. Especially when there’s a husband and a baby in the picture and doing motherhood full time becomes a non-negotiable. Circumstances like this don’t give women many options.
Salewa is just one of many who had to give up the life they’ve dreamt of for the one they have now. As rewarding as motherhood may seem, she continues to wonder if she made the right choice.
This is her story, as told to Eloho.
I’ve been an overachiever for as long as I can remember. From primary school, I knew that I wanted to be a successful lawyer. The profession has many layers to it. You’re either working as a commercial lawyer, or doing litigation or working in-house with a private company. I was never really sure which of these things I wanted to do, mostly because I didn’t know about them. But I did my best to get into the course. From secondary school I got awards for the best student in subjects like Literature-in-English, History and the likes. Even my foundation classes were in things like History, Politics and Sociology and I did really well in those.
When it was time for me to go to school, I didn’t have any issues. I had the grades, so I got into my dream university, and did my undergraduate and post-graduate degrees there. I finished with a first class and distinction. Honestly, I’m not sure I was keen about living in the UK at the time. The economy wasn’t so bad now, and I had to come back for law school. Also, my boyfriend at the time, who is now my husband, was moving back. We had planned our future together, and everything seemed to be going according to plan.
Law school wrapped up quickly, and I finished with a first class. I started working at one of the big law firms in Lagos, and two years into my corporate life, my boyfriend proposed. Everything was going according to plan, and I couldn’t be happier.
I’m not one of those people who like to lie to themselves. So I’m not going to pretend like I spoke about waiting for a baby without taking any action. I was on birth control, and it failed. Barely a year after the wedding, I found out that I was pregnant. A lot of people would expect that I would be happy about it, but honestly, I was devastated. I hadn’t achieved the goals I set for myself in my career. Barely three years in, and here comes a baby I didn’t plan for. One that I was even trying my best to avoid having. The whole thing demoralised me and affected my work.
When I tried to speak to some of my friends about it, they advised me not to keep it. I think if the circumstances were different, I wouldn’t have, and by that I mean if I wasn’t already married. There’s this sort of guilt that comes with it, and it’s not even just with this. Sometimes I worried about things like food and cleaning. I feared I might fail as a wife because I wasn’t doing these things. So giving up a baby in that situation would’ve only made me feel worse. There’s also the fact that you have a whole other human being to consider in this. Then there’s family as well; being from a deeply religious home didn’t make things easier.
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The more I delayed in making a decision, the longer the pregnancy stayed, until it got too late to do anything about it. I decided to keep the baby. At that point, there wasn’t much I could do about it. My mood probably affected the entire experience. It was a really difficult pregnancy. I had all the symptoms, and I was in pain a lot. There were times when I felt like I couldn’t wait for the whole thing to end so I could move on with my life. And there were times when I felt like I would never be able to work again because of how much it changed me.
Things got worse at the point of delivery. There were too many complications with my body, and by the time I’d pushed out my baby, the doctors found one issue or the other with her. The first few months of his birth were really difficult. Nigerian’s are funny because everyone wants you to do something in their own time. I’m not sure if they even mean well, so I can’t say I don’t blame them. That year, even though everyone could see how difficult things were for my family and me, people kept giving me advice. ‘You should do quickly and go back to work before motherhood swallows you o.’ ‘Aren’t you going to get a nanny so you can resume work? I’m sure you can afford it.’ I had to stop receiving visitors and picking up calls.
Unfortunately the things people say actually stick. So I tried to get a nanny when my daughter was about 8 months old. I was also bored out of my mind and needed something to do. There was a lot going on with me mentally and I wanted to feel like myself again. A little more human.
I started applying for jobs aggressively and landed one in another law firm. When I started I was happy and things seemed to be going well. The only issue was that I kept getting calls from the nanny. My daughter still had some health issues and everytime I left home, she would cry basically the entire day until I got back. This was another dilemma I had to work myself through. It wouldn’t be true if I said my first thought was to quit my job and go back home. I had to talk myself out of prioritising myself. And a lot of what I thought about wasn’t related to the well-being of my daughter. It was more about me.
Thoughts like, what would people say if they knew I chose a job over my daughter and things like that. My husband encouraged me to stay at work. But I don’t think he understood just how heavy the guilt was. I don’t even think it’s something he could carry if he were in my shoes. The situation also made me realise how unaccommodating Nigeria’s corporate space is. No nurseries or anything akin to support young mothers. Short maternity leave periods. Zero flexibility to allow women to keep the option of staying in office. I guess it’s a lot to consider, but it’s also super important.
Anyway, I quit my job and it’s been me and my girl ever since. Even being at home and not working hasn’t been easy. Children aren’t easy to handle and that says a lot coming from someone who has just one. My advice to women would be to take family planning seriously and have difficult conversations with your partner. It helps to set your expectations for the unforeseeable. Right now I’m planning to get back into the groove of things. I hope the corporate world is kind to me when I’m back in it, but I’m also mindful that nobody owes me anything.
Another thing I would say to aspiring mothers who want the best of both worlds is to ignore people. Family members are asking me when I would have a second child. You would think they helped me navigate my way with the one I have now.
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