If you’re on the +234 side of Twitter, you’ve probably seen some version of ‘POV: he pays all the bills.’ On social media, a man who ‘pays for everything’ has quickly become the gold standard in heterosexual relationships. Financial imbalance is no longer seen as a red flag. For some women, it is the goal. Very few women want to be known as the ‘understanding girlfriend’ or at least not publicly.

Studies have shown that women tend to consider earning potential when choosing partners, while men often prioritise physical attractiveness. Across cultures, women are perceived as more likely to marry up the social ladder than men are. A woman wanting to be cared for and provided for isn’t new. The question is whether hypergamy (dating/marrying richer) is as simple, or as harmless, as it seems.

In this article, three Nigerian women share what it actually looks like to date a man who pays for everything.

1. ‘Getting Money from Men Made Me Develop Bad Spending Habits’ — Demilade* 21

When Did You Realise You Could Get Money From Men?

I started taking money from men when I was 17 and in my first year of university. I’m a model and a social media manager, and in my line of work, your Instagram page might as well be your portfolio. Because of my job, I had a very active social media presence.  Unfortunately, I started getting more attention from men than from prospective employers. Soon, they started to send me money to ‘appreciate my beauty’ or just to have a conversation. By the time I was in my second year, I was on a monthly salary from a sugar daddy I’d never seen in person. Presently, three men have me on their payroll, and I’ve timed their ghosting carefully so that I won’t find myself cash-strapped. I get around 300-400k in a good month, but even in a bad month, I do not spend less than 200k. I also get large sums occasionally. Once, someone wired me 500k, and another recently paid for books worth 300k.

I have never f actively looked for a sugar daddy. It typically starts with me posting a picture of myself. Then random men come into my DMs to tell me how pretty I am. After that, they ask how I am and if I need anything. I answer honestly, and then they send me money. Most of them are in Lagos, and I school in a different city, so they do not begin to ask for sexual favours until they learn I’m on holiday. At that point, I ghost them. When it suits me, I go off-script. For instance, I got into a long-distance relationship with a man who barely knew me. He’d check up on me twice a week and send me money. When he started insisting that he wanted a physical meet-up a few months later, I blocked him. Sex is a line that I won’t cross. 

For context, all these men are significantly older than I am, and I do not expect the same treatment from romantic relationships with boys my age. I have so much PTSD from my interactions with these men that I can’t think of someone more than four years older than myself romantically. At the same time, I can’t live without them. My parents are comfortable, so they cover my basics like school fees and food, but my lifestyle would suffer a very big downgrade if I stopped. I started a business a while back with some of the money I got from them, but it is slow, and my salary is meagre.  

Would You Say that There are Downsides to Being Financially Dependent on These Men?

Definitely. Even though I shut down the men who approach me for sex from the get-go, I still have to listen to things that make me feel violated sometimes. I don’t entertain disrespect, and men will tolerate nearly anything if they feel like they stand a chance of sleeping with me. At the same time, there are limits to my sassiness. I have to appear like I’m interested enough without committing to anything. And I have to be nonchalant and dismissive without raising suspicions that I’m only there for his money. Once, an Abuja man with a humiliation kink texted me and asked me to say the most degrading things to him. When I got into it, it was a fun outlet for my frustration, but it is not something I’d be comfortable with if I weren’t taking money from him.

I’m not naive; I know that what I’m doing is dangerous, and nobody likes to be taken for a fool. I have met very crazy men in the past three years. One has even threatened to drag me on the internet.  I’ve had very close encounters with public embarrassment, and rumours about what I do have already spread. When I refuse to meet up with a man and my usual excuses aren’t working, or if he starts to threaten me, I’ve learned the hard way that I have to produce whatever money he has sent me to avoid embarrassment. Sometimes, I have to ask my family members or friends for money to pay back. The last time it happened, I had to refund 40k. 

I’m not a flashy person, but because I have money lying around a lot, I’m prone to indulging all my wants. I buy things like expensive skincare, makeup and high-end wigs. Without their money, I won’t be able to keep up. I squander money, and I’m not proud of it. If I could go back in time and talk to myself three years ago, I’d tell her to save more. Now adulthood bills are setting in, and the more I spend, the more expenses I have.

It has also made me very careless with my spending because I know that no matter how broke I am, I can always get money. When I first started this, I got into a very terrible debt I couldn’t tell anyone about. After trying and failing to get the money from working, I dropped my pride and did rounds in my Instagram DMs. I raised the money in under an hour. I think this is part of why I’m also very relaxed with my hustle. Logically, I know that this isn’t sustainable long-term, and my luck will run out one day. But I’m only a workaholic when I’m about to go broke. When there’s money in my bank account, I allow myself to relax and tell myself everything will be alright. I’ve given myself a timeframe of two years to get my life together. All of this will stop by 2028

2. ‘It Felt Like My Life Was In Someone Else’s Hands’ — Rosemary* (23)

I’m a student, and because of how intense my schoolwork is, I don’t have a side job. My main source of income is the allowance I get from my parents and older siblings. I’m in a long-term relationship. Even though I didn’t get into the relationship expecting to be another expense on his monthly budget, it’s something that’s happened over time. The main bills he handles are food and transport. I’ve learned not to expect anything more to avoid disappointment.

The fact that my partner supports me financially is something I keep under wraps. But I hang out with people who expect so much more from romantic relationships. Early on, my friends were concerned about why he didn’t do specific things like change my phone, casually gift me, or make efforts to upgrade my lifestyle. What they didn’t know is that I was already uncomfortable with what he already does. 

How Does That Affect Your Relationship Dynamic?

It makes it very difficult to leave him. Love and financial dependence are a very toxic combination. It didn’t help that I was heavily dependent on him and my family. I tolerated a lot of belittlement, insults and degrading treatment from both of them. I stand when I’m told to stand, and I sit when I’m told to, because the only alternative would be to starve. 

I also constantly feel like I’m in debt for every single thing he’s done for me. I’m still with him, but I fell out of love a while back. I’m currently looking for solutions to my joblessness so I can leave this situation. 

My lifestyle won’t change much if I leave him, but I still need the support. Sometimes it feels good not to worry about paying for something.  I don’t think I hate the idea of a rich partner. I just never want to be in a situation where I’d have to wait on a man to provide for me ever again.

3. ‘I Cheat When He Doesn’t Give Me Money’ — Olamide* 22

A common misconception that men have about women whom they consider ‘gold-diggers’ is that we’re not loved at home. The irony is that I expect any man I’m with to take care of me because I’m used to being taken care of by my family. I like men who have money to blow on me, not necessarily because I need it but because we both think it is what I deserve. 

I’ve been with my current partner on and off for three years, but we only started dating officially two years ago. 

Two months ago, he changed my phone to the latest iPhone, bought me a MacBook and at least four human hair wigs. I receive a monthly allowance of close to half a million naira. Aside from that,  he sends me money and random gifts spontaneously. 

Before him, my last two partners were also people who sent me money regularly. I don’t think I’ve ever dated a man who isn’t well-to-do.

How Does That Affect Your Relationship Dynamic?

Even though I don’t have a job, I don’t consider myself financially ‘dependent’ on my man. I come from a middle-upper-class family, and my parents still support me. But I have expensive taste. I don’t think I’ve ever really considered the question of what would happen if I stopped dating wealthy men, because for as long as  I can remember, there has always been a man with money in my life. 

The only downside I see is that I can’t really resist when a rich man slides into my DMs. When I first started dating my boyfriend, he was still a student without a stable job. Even though I really liked him, I found it hard to stay loyal because he wasn’t earning enough.  Early in the relationship, he sent me 40k on my birthday.  When a man I was seeing on the side quadrupled that amount and sent it to me, I texted my boyfriend to ask for a break.  I even considered leaving him entirely. Since then, he has caught me cheating four more times and has become extremely insecure. I think it’s part of why he spends so much on me now. 

The fact that I’m so well taken care of has made me allergic to stress. My partner keeps pressuring me to learn a skill or start a business, but just thinking about it gives me a headache.  

The fact that some men send me money also means that they believe they have the liberty to talk to me anyhow. The other day, one of my side-pieces promised me money, and when I texted him to ask for it, he started talking about ‘transactional relationships’. He was insinuating that I was a prostitute. We had a fight over it, and he later apologised, but I felt really offended by what he said. The knowledge that deep down he thinks of me that way is really unpleasant.  

NEXT READ: “I Wanted a Breakup, But My Boyfriend Said No” — 10 Nigerian Women Share Why They Cheated