For women, penetrative sex can be a hit or a miss. While some individuals have only positive reviews, many others have a complicated relationship with it.
We have women who enjoy it but simply can’t orgasm from it alone, and some women who don’t care for it because it is such an uncomfortable experience. They all have to deal with thinking that there is something wrong with them because of their inability to orgasm from penetrative sex alone, but studies have shown that this is a common experience for many women.
For a long time, talking about sex has been treated as taboo for women, but now, we are seeing significant pushback. As more women speak openly about their experience, it’s becoming quite obvious that penetrative sex is not a universally pleasurable experience, and it does not have to be.
In this article, five Nigerian women share their honest experiences with penetrative sex and how they’ve learned to navigate sexual pleasure on their own terms.
1. “I realised that penetrative sex would never be my thing.” — Gloria*, 22
The first time I attempted penetrative sex, it honestly felt like a foreign object was inside of me. My partner was not fully in because of how tense I was, and yet, it still felt intrusive. At some point during the act, I became so uncomfortable that I had to withdraw consent and push my partner away.
I was not only angry at him, but also at myself, because I truly felt horrible. He didn’t even fully penetrate me, and it felt like I had a million cuts inside me, so imagine what it would have felt like if he had gone in fully? I probably would have jumped off the nearest roof. It was at that moment that I realised that penetrative sex would never be my thing.
These days, I mostly get my orgasms through masturbation. No man has made me orgasm, and that is quite sad, but then again, I rarely let them attempt to do so because I am tired of being disappointed. When it comes to women’s bodies, a vast majority of men have proven themselves to be extremely illiterate, and it actually just gets to a point where it becomes tiring.
2. “Sex was over when he finished, but what about me?” — Atinuke*, 21
My first experience with penetrative sex was at 20, and let’s just say it was not the best. I dissociated midway, and the aftermath was so painful because one, I dried up the moment I stopped feeling it and two, no lube was used.
At first, I thought I didn’t enjoy it because not only was it my first time, but there were also factors like inadequate foreplay and the trauma from being sexually assaulted as a child. Unfortunately, my next four experiences weren’t better. Each one felt like I was just existing there for him to finish. It never felt enough. Sex was over when he finished, but what about me?
Before I started engaging in penetrative sex, I had always known I preferred dry humping. My ex-situationship literally asked me how I enjoyed dry humping more than penetrative sex. I was low-key embarrassed by the question, but now, I know he should have been the embarrassed one. There is no one way to have sex.
Dry humping and nipple stimulation (at the same time) are the only tested ways I can reach orgasm. It takes quite a bit of time, but it feels good, especially when they build momentum with foreplay, gentle biting, and lots of kissing.
My ex-boyfriend was good at that. We’d start with foreplay, and every time he would make sure I reached orgasm before penetrative sex. Whenever my mind drifted, he’d always check in by asking how I felt, if the pace was alright, and if we should switch positions. That way, I felt satisfied, and although there was still some discomfort afterwards, I was able to live with it.
In general, my thoughts about penetrative sex are that it’s never enough and not always enjoyable. But one thing about me is that I love to give and receive pleasure, so if my partner prioritises my pleasure, I’d do the same, even if it means penetrative sex.
3. “I used to feel like something was wrong with me” — Temilade*, 25
From the moment I started having penetrative sex, I noticed that my partner would orgasm, but I wouldn’t. I was 18 at the time, so when this occurred, I could only stare, asking myself: Why was nothing happening? Why didn’t I feel anything? What was I supposed to feel? I had already started masturbating, so I knew there was something I should feel if I truly climaxed, and that was missing.
Over the years, I’ve accepted the fact that while I do enjoy penetrative sex, I simply don’t get an orgasm from it. That’s just how it has always been for me. I used to feel like something was wrong with me until I realised, after reading articles, that this is the reality for a lot of women.
For someone like me, I take a lot of pleasure in the activity of sex itself and not just the end point. Activities like making out and foreplay all add to the experience, so I don’t always go into sex for the orgasm, but sometimes, I like to cum too. This, however, can only happen through clitoral stimulation.
After finding out that I could orgasm through clitoral stimulation only, I was able to communicate my needs to my current partner, and it has worked very well for me.
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4. “When it comes to penetrative sex, I have a 60/40 might orgasm or not ratio” — Zaynab*, 25
When it comes to penetrative sex, I have a 60/40 might orgasm or not ratio. Since it’s never something I do alone, it’s hard for me to see it as a part of sex that can give that big O, or multiple ones at that.
My first time having sex was receiving oral, and it was so amazing, I considered my life fundamentally changed. A year after that, I had vaginal sex with a penis, and believe me when I tell you I was not impressed in any way. The entire activity hurt a lot, and I kept getting dry. And although the experience has gotten much better, I can still attest that penetrative sex (the penis in vagina kind) is sometimes mid.
Understanding how my body works has let me know that I prefer oral sex and fingering because they are more likely to make me orgasm.
5. “90% of the time, it is more uncomfortable than anything else” — Miranda*, 26
Being raised in a Christian home meant that the thought of premarital sex used to fill me with a horrendous amount of guilt for the better part of my teen years and early twenties. I mostly blame religious conditioning and purity culture for this because I thought if I crossed that line and engaged in premarital sex, I would truly become “impure”.
While I started having sexual encounters from the moment I turned 15, it wasn’t until age 22 that I decided to give penetrative sex a try, and you will not believe how much of a letdown it was. Discovering masturbation had already let me know how much clitoral stimulation gave me earth-shattering orgasms, so I genuinely thought that penetration would even be better, but I was so wrong. When it happened, I remember tilting my head to the side and going “Huh? That’s it?” Did it eventually feel good? Yes, but was it as great as I thought it would be? No.
At first, I thought it wasn’t that amazing because it was my first time, but even after trying different partners and positions, it was still the same. Although there are rare moments when it feels amazing, I don’t orgasm from them, but they are satisfactory enough that I don’t feel the need to. However, about 90% of the time, even with lubrication, it is more uncomfortable than anything else.
When it comes to actually reaching orgasm, I’ve realised that dry humping, clitoral fingering, and oral sex remain my tested and trusted methods.
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