Motherhood is often described as one of the most joyful moments of a woman’s life. What is discussed far less is how disorienting the period after childbirth can be. Many women face experiences they were never fully prepared for. These experiences range from depression to a sense of disconnection from their own bodies. Some women handle these experiences in silence because they fear being judged or misunderstood.
In this article, we spoke to five Nigerian women who reflected on their lives after childbirth.
1. “I Didn’t Exactly Know What to Feel” — Morenikeji*, 40
After I had my child, I fell headfirst into depression. Before giving birth, I didn’t have a thorough understanding of Postpartum Depression (PPD), so I couldn’t fully comprehend what was happening to me. At the time, I was just convinced that using 24 hours to push out one child had sucked out my entire life force. Everyone in my life knows that my first month postpartum was a really dark period. I didn’t want to be near the baby at all. The only time I was okay with the baby in my vicinity was when it was time to feed him. My husband had to take care of everything related to the baby because I was completely hollow.
Everyone was excited about me having the baby, but I didn’t exactly know what to feel. It was not only the baby I didn’t want to see. I also did my best to isolate myself from my friends and family. During the naming ceremony, I avoided every single person who approached me to congratulate me on giving birth and instead directed them to my husband. I refused to talk to anyone and preferred to lie in my room and do nothing. I had suicidal thoughts. It wasn’t a particularly great time, but I’m glad I had a sound support system to carry me through it.
Even after ignoring their constant calls and messages, my friends refused to give up on me. They came to visit, talked to me even when I barely responded, made my favourite meals, played with the baby, and sent my husband gifts they thought would cheer me up. They were very patient with me, and I am deeply grateful to them. Without that community, I don’t know how I would have survived that period, but I’m glad I did.
2. “I Felt Like My Body Was Not Enough for My Baby” — Bisola*, 31
I gave birth to my child at thirty-one weeks instead of the usual forty, and my postpartum journey became a rollercoaster of emotions. Postpartum was already a lot to process, but being the mother of a premature baby made everything harder. Before having my baby, I was already diagnosed with preeclampsia, which triggered high blood pressure, proteinuria, and diabetes out of nowhere. I watched my entire body and face become swollen. Even my kidneys and liver were affected by the condition.
Preeclampsia can be life-threatening for both mother and baby. Mine was so severe that it almost progressed to seizures, and I had to deliver via an emergency C-section after my baby’s heartbeat began to drop. After his birth, I was placed on bed rest while he was sent to the NICU (Neonatal Intensive Care Unit). For six weeks postpartum, I continued to struggle with preeclampsia. I battled high blood pressure and blurry vision while dealing with overwhelming self-blame.
Self-blame is common among mothers of preemie babies. It’s emotionally distressing because while you’re doing your best to recover, you still find time to criticise yourself for having your child too early. I knew the emergency C-section was necessary, but I still blamed myself. I felt like my body was not enough for my baby. During the four weeks he spent in the NICU, all I did was worry about him. I barely cared for myself and might have continued neglecting my health if not for my mum, who simply told me, “Just be okay,” and helped that if my health declined, I might not be around to care for the baby I was so worried about.
Having a preemie baby pushed me to look for a community for mothers like me. When I couldn’t find one, I decided to create one. I wanted a space where mothers of preemie babies could document their experiences and remind themselves that it wasn’t their fault babies arrived early.
3. “I Don’t Think I Want Another Child” — Abimbola*, 28
Before I even thought of getting pregnant, I spent years consuming information. I wanted to learn everything there was to know about pregnancy and postpartum care so I could fully understand the journey my body was about to take. But despite all that information, postpartum was still gruelling.
After I had my daughter, I was not prepared for how Postpartum Anxiety (PPA) hit me. It was like living in hell. For a month, I worried about everything related to the baby. I was always scared that something awful would happen to her while I slept, so I stayed awake just watching her sleep. My husband often begged me to sleep, and even then, I wouldn’t close my eyes until I was sure he would stay awake to watch her.
I was very protective of my daughter. I hated it when she was out of my sight for more than thirty minutes, and didn’t like people carrying her because I was convinced she would be dropped. I didn’t even want my mother to stay with us. My doctor never said it, but I knew she was also tired of my constant calls about every little thing my baby did. I almost ran mad from the constant worry, and I was so ashamed to open up because of the stigma around new mothers and mental health in my culture. I knew PPA was normal, but I didn’t want to be called abisinwin (mothers who suffer from Postpartum Depression or Psychosis), so I just didn’t open up to anyone.
After the first month, I began to feel better. I still worried about my child, but I learned to manage it. Allowing my mother to stay also significantly eased my fears.
I don’t think I want another child. I might change my mind later, but for now, I’m not ready to risk my mental health again.
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4. “Having a Child Really Takes a Lot of Energy From you” — Amina*, 30
My postpartum experience was mainly filled with me getting irritated at everything and everyone. No one warned me that having a child would sometimes make me really angry, so that was an interesting time. I had extreme highs and lows, and everyone walked on eggshells around me because they didn’t know what to expect that day. Would I be the fun, loving person they are used to or the irritated new mother? They didn’t know.
Having a child really takes a lot of energy from you, and I was constantly exhausted. The combination of sleep deprivation and the stress that comes with being a new mother turned me into a very angry person, and I think I would have given in to the anger and the irritation if not for the fact that I learned that postpartum rage was normal for some mothers.
Being aware of that information helped me a lot, especially when I had my second child. The awareness didn’t stop the irritation or the anger, but it helped me realise that I was not overreacting. I was valid for having those emotions.
5. “It Established My Body Dysmorphia” — Aanuoluwa*, 34
When everyone was telling me the changes that might happen to my body after having a child, I thought they were something I would be able to handle, but having two children has proved me wrong. There were some changes that were completely surprising, and the most notable one was the darkening of my skin. I am a light-skinned woman, always have been, so imagine my surprise when I gave birth to my first child and then my skin started darkening.
It didn’t stop after my first child. After my second child, my skin also darkened, and that wasn’t all. I also had a major acne breakout after giving birth, and it was difficult to deal with. My skin darkening and my face breaking out established my body dysmorphia during my postpartum period. I would look at myself in the mirror and wonder what was happening to me, and I used every skincare product under the sun, hoping that my skin and face would return to normal, but to no avail.
It took a long time for my skin to start going back to the way it was before, and that entire experience has me asking myself if I truly want a third child.
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