For a long time, romance has been sold as the perfect standard for love. It is celebrated in books, films, and other forms of art, but for some women, the first place they truly experience care, thoughtfulness, and emotional safety is not in romance, but in their friendships with other women. 

By being intentionally loved, celebrated loudly and being checked on by their girlfriends, these women have come to realise what it means to be valued. Through these friendships, their outlook on love began to shift, and the bare minimum no longer feels acceptable.

In this article, five Nigerian women share how their friendships with other women have raised their standards, shaped how they see love, and influenced what they are and are not willing to accept in romantic relationships.

1. “They Have Never Hesitated to Provide Me With a Comforting Space” — Amanda*, 25

I remember reading something along the lines of ‘the best man is just an average woman,’ and I agree because it’s so true. My girlfriends are the most amazing people to ever grace the earth, and they are the main reason I think romantic love will never be enough.  

My girlfriends have never hesitated to provide me with a comforting space. Whenever I have a bad day or a tough week, they offer me rest in their homes without hesitation. The moment I step into their abodes, I am welcomed with a hug, and a plate of my favourite meal they took their time to cook for me. With them, I never have to pretend that I’m doing alright because they give me the freedom to de-stress and rant until I feel better. They would hold me in their arms, kiss my forehead, and rewatch my favourite movies with me for the one thousandth time. 

My girlfriends don’t think I’m ‘too much’ in any way. When I start talking for hours on end, and I’m moving from conversation to conversation without making any lick of sense, they don’t cut me off; they just patiently listen until the end before they ask questions. When I’m overstimulated in a public place and close to snapping at everyone, my friends would do their best to find a quiet place for me to regulate myself. They are the kindest women ever, and sometimes, I think I don’t deserve them.

2. “I Know Love Because I Know My Girlfriends” — Asiya*, 22 

I don’t know if this is because I’m just generally unimpressed by men, but I don’t think a man could ever meet the standards that every one of my girlfriends has set. It just seems impossible to me. 

My friends know me. They know me in and out. They know the things I like and the things I don’t. They know what makes me happy and what makes me sad. They know that getting me a personalised tea cup is more than enough because I’m an unapologetic tea lover. They know that getting me a prayer mat with my name engraved on it while they’re on a pilgrimage to Makkah would make me smile until my cheeks hurt. They know that doing intentional things, like following me to the garage to pick up my stuff sent from home and gifting me packages while school was dealing with me, would make me tear up. They have done all of this and more. I never have to open my mouth to tell them what I need because they just know me. 

I know love because I know my girlfriends. They have stretched their fingers into every crevice of my heart, and I think I would be doing them a disservice if I ever settle down with a man who thinks he’s doing me a favour by giving me the barest minimum.

3. “They Have Made Me See That I Deserve the World” — Oreoluwa*, 32 

Having friends who are very unapologetic about how they express their love has changed my outlook on how I want to be treated by others. Before my girlfriends, I was very okay with accepting the bare minimum, even from my ex-boyfriend, but after meeting them, I realised how much I’d settled. 

My love language is gift giving. I love to give, and I love it when I get gifted, and my friends understand this. They’ve never strayed from loving me through my love language. I went from having an ex-boyfriend who never gifted me in all the years we dated to having girlfriends who gift me items like a Chanel bag on a random Tuesday. Gifting me comes so easily to them. If I mention that I like a particular set of clothes, they would get it for me without question. When I became invested in scents, every one of them gifted me different perfumes and body sprays on my birthday. They never gift me something I don’t want. There is a level of consideration in the way they gift me, and it’s this reason why I extend that same level of consideration to them. 

I don’t plan to date anytime soon, but if I decide to start giving men a chance again, they have a lot of work to do. My friends have made me see that I deserve the world, and I refuse to accept less. 

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4. “They’ve Taught Me That I Deserve Fullness, Not Fragments” — Ada*, 28

My girls are my light. They are the air I breathe when everything feels heavy. Loving them and being loved by them has shown me what real care looks like, the kind that is patient, intentional, and deeply safe. 

With my girls, I am not ashamed to be completely laid bare in front of them because I know they won’t care about whatever they see. They’ve dragged me out of the darkest places I’ve found myself in. I am not ashamed to open up to them about how I’m feeling because I know they would be kind with their responses. They’ve never been unkind to me, even on days they are in a bad mood, and everyone is pissing them off. They hold me up in every way. 

My girls are not ashamed about celebrating me loudly. People in their lives know me because they talk about me whenever they can. When I’m having the worst impostor syndrome, they sit me down to assure me that I’m doing well. They are the most ambitious people who offer me career advice whenever I need it, and by doing this, they’ve helped me grow in every facet of my career. I am confident in everything I do because they’re constantly cheering me on. 

Because of my girls, I no longer entertain mediocre friendships or half-hearted romances. Through them, I’ve learned that if love doesn’t feel like respect, laughter, effort, and consistency, then it’s not for me. My girls have raised my standards just by existing in my life. They’ve taught me that I deserve fullness, not fragments. 

5. “She Says Seeing Us Happy is Enough for Her” — Maria*, 29

Before my friend entered my life, I was meeting men who were very reluctant to spend money on dates with me. I noticed that the only time they were willing to spend on me was when they wanted sex after. This was why I always endeavoured to calculate the cost before going on any date, so I could split the bill, but that stopped when I met my friend. 

Since I met my friend over a year ago, I have not paid a single kobo whenever I’m out with her. She singlehandedly foots the bill without hesitation, and at first, I thought that it was strange because I wasn’t so used to people going all out for me, but that is just how she is with everyone. Giving just comes so easily to her. She is not ashamed to get her friends the most expensive gift they’ve always wanted, and she always says just seeing us happy is enough for her. 

On our first date, she spent over a hundred thousand naira on drinks alone. She bought me the most expensive bottle of champagne I have ever seen for my birthday. A yoga mat with my name and favourite things engraved on it, and she always goes out of her way to ensure I feel good and welcomed in the spaces she invites me to.

Having a friend like her has just repulsed me to the idea of settling for men. I don’t think I can ever go back to being the girl I was before I met her. That girl settled for a lot of rubbish. 

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