For many women, putting work first is still treated like a personal failing. A man who lives for his job is often seen as ambitious, but a woman who makes the same choice is expected to explain herself.
In this article, we spoke to 10 women who have chosen their careers over everything else, and they shared what that decision has meant for their marriages, children, families and themselves.
1. “I’m Just Glad My Kids Have a Father Who is There for Them” — Bimbo*, 40
When it comes to work, I’m a huge perfectionist. It’s one area of my life I don’t joke around with, and before I got married, I was honest with my husband that work would always take priority over everything else, and he understood. So, when we got married and even started having our kids, we barely fought because he knew what to expect.
His job doesn’t demand much from him, unlike mine, so he easily took over the bulk of the parenting. If I knew I would work late nights, he would take care of them, and when I get back, he would take care of me because he knows how bad my migraines get after a long night.
Whenever I travel for a work event for weeks at a time, he makes sure the children don’t feel my absence in any of his actions, and I guess that’s why he’s their favourite parent. It would make sense to be jealous of the fact that my children don’t feel close because of how much work takes me away from them, but honestly, I’m just really glad that they have a father who is completely there for them in every way.
2. “I Didn’t Want to Be Like the Women of My Family” — Oyin*, 39
When I turned twenty, I realised that I didn’t want to be like the women of my family who broke their backs serving men who didn’t serve them back, so I decided not to get married and focused on advancing my career instead. It has been nineteen years since I made that decision, and I’ve been having a good time.
As much as the job market can get toxic sometimes, I love working so much. I love managing people, I love making my own money, and, most importantly, I love how it has given me the chance to meet many people. My family does not approve of my single lifestyle, of course, but the beautiful thing about the first child who makes bastard money is that everyone is always afraid to go against you out of fear of you financially cutting them off.
There are days when I do ask myself if I’m really sure I don’t want to get married and have kids of my own, but then I watch my friends complain about their husbands’ weaponising incompetence, and assure myself that I made a good choice.
3. “My Husband Tried Baiting Me Into Resigning” — Fathia*, 40
I’m an executive at a company that demands a lot of my time and energy. Because of that, I’ve had to put work before my husband and two children, which has caused a lot of problems between us. There was a time when I was the less busy parent, and my husband’s job was constantly demanding, but I never complained that the majority of the housework fell on me because I understood. So, imagine my surprise years later when he got a less demanding job, I got promoted at work, and he started having issues with the same things I had overlooked for him out of ‘understanding’.
There have been times I would leave work at 9 p.m. and still face the island-to-mainland weekday traffic, and when I got back home, I would find the children still waiting for me to cook because their father, who gets back home by 6 in the evening, refuses to cook. Aside from that, he would not help with their assignments or even help wash the flasks of food they took to school that day. When I confronted him about all this, he told me I should learn how to juggle my work and personal life better, but let’s not forget that when he had a demanding job, I was making sure our children didn’t feel neglected in any way.
I knew he was just baiting me into possibly resigning, and I refuse to do that because I love my job. It’s my biggest priority. The week after confronting him, I hired a housemaid to help care for the kids, and although my husband hates it, I don’t really care about him.
4. “In Prioritising My Career, I Emotionally Neglected My Children” — Biola*, 60
I hate being idle, and this inability to sit still without doing anything pushed me to become a dedicated career woman all my life. For decades, I worked tirelessly and prioritised my job over everything, including my husband and children. In most movies you see on television, it’s usually the husband who is barely ever home because of work, but in my children’s lives, it was I who was barely ever home. I only saw them early in the morning and at weekends, and I didn’t realise how much of a strain this put on our relationship until they all grew up and no longer wanted to be associated with me.
It is only because of my husband that my children still keep in touch with me. They would have been completely okay with not associating with me at all if not for him, and to be frank, I don’t blame them. In prioritising my career, I emotionally and physically neglected them at precarious times in their lives, and that’s enough not to want to talk to me at all. It hurts, though.
5. “My Mum Believes a Generational Curse is Preventing Me From Finding a Husband” — Keji*, 35
When I decided I would rather marry my work than have a husband, I knew my family wouldn’t accept it, so I had to devise a plan that wouldn’t cause complications. For years, while I focused on climbing the corporate ladder, I would have the occasional boyfriend, introduce him to my parents as someone I wanted to marry, and, after a few months, break up with him.
This was a cycle I kept repeating because I knew it would make my mother think there was some family curse that was preventing me from finding a stable boyfriend that could eventually turn into a husband. I’ve been doing this for years now, and while everyone keeps praying over my head for me to find a good husband, I’m focusing on my work. There might come a time when my mum realises I’m doing it on purpose, but for now, she is just convinced it’s a generational curse preventing me from finding a good husband.
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6. “My Husband Understands That Work is My First Love” — Doyin*, 29
I don’t regret putting work above everything in my life, and maybe it’s because God blessed me with a mother who also did the same and showed me that you could still have a good marriage while putting yourself first. My husband and I have been married for five years now, and he understands that work is my first love and will remain like that forever, even when we have our children.
We have had a lengthy conversation, and I’ve let him know that just because work comes first doesn’t mean our marriage won’t work. As long as we both respect and understand each other, there won’t be any reason to fight over my work schedules. I think having a husband who respects the work his wife does is what a lot of career women need, because if you are married to someone who has no respect for the job you do, he’s only going to keep dragging you down.
7. “I Have to Deal With Family Because My Husband Can’t Stop Complaining” — Maria*, 36
Putting work above your marriage and your kids would get you on a lot of bad sides, and I’m a living testament of that. Apart from the occasional fights with my husband, who gets mad that he has to watch the children whenever work keeps me occupied for hours, I also have to deal with family members on both sides because my husband can’t stop complaining about my love for work.
It’s already stressful trying your best to be a present mother for your children, and then I’m being dragged to one family meeting after another because my putting my work first is stressing a grown man out. The thing my husband knows but refuses to make peace with is the fact that I am not going to stop working. Work is the only thing that frankly keeps me sane in this world, and I love the fact that I can take care of myself and my children without needing to ask anyone’s son for that.
8. “I’m Okay With Being a Single Workaholic” — Tola*, 30
As a woman who put career over any possibilities of marriage, a lot of my friends expect me to regret it, and while I do, sometimes, I actually love being single right now. I am self-aware enough to realise that most romantic possibilities would not be okay with me being a workaholic who does not understand the concept of taking breaks.
Work has affected my relationships with my family and friends, so I know it’s probably going to be worse if I do start dating someone. It has also come to my attention that men don’t really like career-obsessed women, and honestly, I would rather die than take steps down my career ladder just to appease someone’s ego. If I find someone who understands my workload in the future, maybe I’ll be open to giving them a chance, but for now? I’m very okay with being a single workaholic.
9. “We Built a Bond With Our Daughters Without Work Being Affected” — Ella*, 40
One reason putting my career first has not affected my marriage or my relationship with my kids is that my husband is like me. We both love our jobs too much, and that’s one of the reasons why we fell in love with each other. Before we had our twin girls, we made an extensive plan on how to be there for them despite our jobs, and it has been working out well for us.
On weekdays, we mostly have the housemaid take care of them, but we make an effort to be back by evening so we can learn how their day went and hear about any complaints they have. On weekends, we switch off our phones and spend the entire time with our girls, and by doing so, we have built beautiful relationships with them without work being affected in any way.
10. “I’m Too Career-Obsessed to Make Space for Children” — Lillian*, 28
I’m a big career woman who has decided that I would not give birth to any children unless my possible future husband and I decide to give adoption a chance. I decided this because I’ve seen how many career women tend to scale back their dreams a bit every time they have children. Whether they like it or not, they have to make space for those children, and honestly, I’m too career-obsessed to do that.
That is why I’m having a lot of problems on the romantic front. A lot of men I’ve had romantic connections with in the past were “traditional”, and whenever I talked about my career, they always reminded me that I would need to make work a lesser priority when I get reminded to them. Frankly, that is something I do not see myself doing, and I always let them know, but their responses have never been positive. For that reason, I will be staying single from now on and just focusing on my career.
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