Running to become the president of a country like Nigeria isn’t a joke — just ask Buhari who tried for 13 years before he won or the man who’s been contesting for 30 years without success.
Four months from today, Nigerians will vote for a new president. But before that decision is made, voters will have to deal with seeing these types of candidates during the campaigns for the 2023 elections.
The motivational speaker
An orator and a master of wordplay who can make even Martin Luther King sweat. This type of candidate claims they grew up with no shoes and sold firewood to spirits in the jungle just so they could feed their family. They’re only in the race to do spoken word poetry and not much else.
The frontrunner
This character is considered a real contestant for the seat. They’re typically a “former something” which is how you know they’ve been around the seat of power before and the presidency is their final infinity stone. If they’re not the candidate of one of the major parties, they have a personal political profile big enough to make them a key player in the contest. Candidates like this hog the news headlines with campaign promises voters know they won’t fulfill.
The placeholder
This one is only in the race so that they can drop out and endorse a frontrunner weeks before the election. Their candidacy is actually a ploy to get a political appointment.
The youngster
This candidate’s only selling point is they’re the youngest in the race and two plus two equals Bitcoin. There’s no campaign structure and no well-outlined plans to deserve being elected; only the audacious arrogance of youth.
The bambiala hustler
You can be forgiven for thinking this candidate is the CEO of an NGO because all they do during the campaign is beg the public for donations, but you never see them do any actual campaigning with it.
The technocrat
This one wants to play politics and win political office without being called a politician. Their entire campaign strategy rests on making voters believe they read one random unknown book that’ll help them fix all of Nigeria’s problems in six months.
The chosen one
This candidate tells anyone who cares to listen that they’re only contesting because God took time out of His busy schedule to appear to them in their dream to inform them they’ll be Nigeria’s next president.
The other chosen one
Even though one candidate already said God personally chose them to be president, this other candidate tells the exact same story. Now, you have to wonder if one or both are lying, or if Nigeria is about to have two serving presidents.
The one who’ll win less than 1,000 votes
This candidate is on the ballot to make up the numbers. Their party really just needed anyone to appear on the ballot to keep up appearances. At least three people in their family won’t even vote for them on election day.
The social media candidate
You only see this candidate’s campaign on social media or in a couple of TV and radio interviews, but you’ll never catch them on the streets or at rallies with actual voters. That’s because running for president is only a side gig and they still have to focus on their daily hustle for urgent ₦2k.
The stat-padder
This candidate is the backbencher of presidential candidates. They’re only in the race so they can put “former presidential candidate” on their CV and brag about it at cocktail parties. They don’t run an actual campaign, rather they remain as invisible as possible. The only reason anyone knows them is they’re on INEC’s list of candidates.
The comedic relief
This candidate provides comedy content for voters to let off steam in the thick of campaigns. They can be anybody from the frontrunner, youngster or the one that’ll end up with votes less than the number of people at a regular Lagos owambe.
