The Nigerian experience is physical, emotional, and sometimes international. No one knows it better than our features on #TheAbroadLife, a series where we detail and explore Nigerian experiences while living abroad.
Ugo*(25) was the kind of person who’d move mountains for the people she loved, but meeting Tobi, her ex-boyfriend, changed her in the worst way possible. In this story, she shares how helping Tobi relocate to the U.K. turned out to be the most toxic and damning mistake of her life.
Where do you live now, and when did you move out of Nigeria?
I live in the United Kingdom (UK) and moved here in 2017. It’s been almost eight years. I didn’t intend to leave Nigeria initially, but my mother has always been a dreamer and never saw the country as her final stop.
After she and my dad separated around 2013, she got serious about her plans. She had tried things like the American visa lottery a few times, but those didn’t work out. Eventually, she was introduced to the student route and left for her first master’s abroad, leaving me and my sister behind.
She kept saying we’d join her, but when the first and second year passed, I stopped taking her seriously. Then in 2016, I got into university and had just started my first year when she suddenly started applying for me to study in the UK. That’s how my sister and I eventually joined her in 2017 as her dependents.
How was it reconnecting with your mum and adjusting to life in the UK?
It was a surreal experience. One minute, I was making new friends in Nigeria, and the next, I was on a plane to the UK.
Also, I didn’t grow up with my mum. Her elder sister raised me, so living with my mum was a big adjustment. My younger sister had lived with her a bit longer, but I hadn’t. My mum is very career-focused, so even during holidays, I only got to spend a short time with her. So, moving in together as a teenager was new territory.
I was 17, living with a mother I barely knew in a new country. Naturally, we clashed a lot. We were learning each other’s personalities, which wasn’t smooth. I wasn’t that bad, but the tension was real.
One major factor leading to constant disagreements between us was my education. My mum applied for Software Engineering on my behalf even though she knew I wasn’t passionate about coding. That course was heavy, and the university wasn’t diverse—I was one of three black students. I felt out of place.
Eventually, I told her I couldn’t continue. She initially didn’t take it well and brought people to talk sense into me. After my first year, I stood my ground and changed my course.
It caused constant disagreement between us. It was so bad that she slapped me once while we were on a bus. But we’ve come a long way since then. Now, we’re like sisters. The struggles brought us closer.
She was doing her PhD while paying my school fees and hers. It was a lot, and I had to give her grace. At 18, I started working and helping with bills. We picked our lives up a few years later, and life in the UK started looking great until I made a mistake that would haunt me for years.
What happened?
I helped a man move to the UK. His name was Tobi, and I met him during my first year at the university before I moved to the UK. We were coursemates, and we grew close. After I moved, we kept in touch. He was one of the few friends I didn’t lose touch with.
In 2020, Tobi decided to move to the UK. I helped him with the process because we were close. However, the first time he applied, he made a rookie mistake of using a microfinance bank for his proof of funds, and the visa was denied.
He tried again in 2021/2022, and I helped him with everything from school admission to visa processing. We grew even closer and started spending longer hours talking on the phone. Tobi suddenly started calling me “babe.” Then, one day, he said, “I love you.”
I didn’t take him seriously at first because we were friends and hadn’t known each other on that level. He eventually moved to the UK and asked me to be his girlfriend. I said yes. That’s when everything started falling apart.
How so?
At first, I struggled to respect the relationship. I still saw Tobi as a friend and didn’t treat him the way one would treat a partner. I spoke to him like a sibling and didn’t filter my words. He was older than me, so it didn’t sit well with him. It naturally led to arguments between us.
Another big issue was his smoking. He never smoked around his parents, so I couldn’t understand why he’d smoke around me, even after I had made it clear that I didn’t like it. I consistently talked about the smoking thing, and eventually, he started pulling away.
We had a big fight one day, and when I called to apologise, I couldn’t reach him all day. I hate malice, so I texted him saying, “If you don’t reach out by this time, we’re done.” He didn’t, so I ended the relationship.
My friends told me I overreacted, but I stood by my decision. We broke up for about two weeks. Eventually, I reached out to Tobi, apologised, and we got back together. But things didn’t really go back to normal. I think I’d done too much damage.
What damage did you do?
I hooked up with someone else three times during the two weeks we broke up. I didn’t think much of it then because we were over. I was sad, the guy was there, and it happened. I didn’t even feel bad at the time because we weren’t together.
After we got back together, I archived the chat with the other guy. But Tobi searched my phone, found the archived chat, and got suspicious. The messages weren’t even flirty, just basic stuff like “Are you upstairs?” because we worked together. Still, he figured everything out.
That night, he confronted me. I denied it at first, but he later called me and said, “Tell me the truth. I saw the chat.” So I admitted that I hooked up with the other guy during that breakup. He didn’t take it well at all.
He started asking for unnecessary details like, “How many times? What position?” I didn’t answer because I didn’t know how those answers would have helped him heal. But he wanted to know everything, and when I explained that we weren’t together then, he got even angrier. He started seeing me as “loose,” which hurt because anyone who knows me knows that’s not who I am. But I was vulnerable and hurting, and the guy was there.
Did you still want to work things out with him after that?
Yes. I apologised and told him I still wanted us to make it work. I admitted I was wrong, but I didn’t cheat. We were broken up. I was the one who even reached out to reconcile, so clearly, I was serious. He forgave me, but just shortly after, we found ourselves in another mess.
Before all this, we had planned to pay his school fees for the second year. He needed to pay about £13,000. I got him a job in my town where he’d be paid £500 monthly. I even gave him the first £5,000 from my savings. Then I sourced an additional £5,000 through work connections. Out of that full £13k, I helped him raise £10k, which he was supposed to pay me back at some point. At that point, I was still dealing with the guilt of hurting him and just wanted to make our relationship work. I thought helping him would also soften the blow of everything that had happened. I was wrong.
It didn’t?
Not even close. After helping him raise his school fees, things got worse. He’d throw jabs, bring up the past out of nowhere and shame me for something I’d already apologised for. One minute we’re talking normally, the next he’s saying things like, “What kind of girl are you? You go to church and do these things?” And it would always go back to me hooking up with someone else.
I never denied it happened. I explained that during our break, I was heartbroken, and the person was there. But he never let it go. I still tried. I didn’t want to be the person who walked away again, so I fought for us. But it started feeling like I was fighting alone. He called me a gaslighter. He made me feel like I was the worst person alive.
I’m sorry about that
I never judged Tobi for being who he was. In fact, I wanted to be more open-minded, so we could grow stronger. Remember his smoking habit? I tried meeting him halfway. I baked edibles for our first anniversary getaway. We went to an amusement park in London. I only ate one, but I don’t smoke or take weed, so that one edible completely messed me up.
I was dazed, couldn’t see properly. On one of the rides, the edibles kicked in. Everything spiralled and I ended up throwing up in a restaurant. I could barely function. Instead of helping me, he got irritated. On the train home, I had a scarf and a long skirt on, but he claimed I was “intentionally” opening my legs to show people my thighs.
I was not even aware of what was going on. But rather than helping me or covering me, he sat far away and used it later to shame me. That moment, I mentally checked out of the relationship.
Later that evening, he wanted to get intimate, but the bed was squeaky, and I wasn’t in the right headspace. After I said no, he went to masturbate in the bathroom, knowing fully well that I could hear him. That was the last straw. I just cried the whole way home. I didn’t recognise the person he’d become. He wasn’t the friend I once had.
That’s horrible. I’m so sorry
That’s not the worst of it. Tobi betrayed me again in the worst way. Before we officially broke up, I got into a fight with my sister. It got physical. I was vulnerable and told him about it, thinking he’d comfort me.
He called my sister behind my back to “fact-check” my side of the story. I don’t know what led to that, but he also told her everything about our relationship—things I had only ever confided in him. He painted me as a manipulative, toxic person and convinced my own sister that I was the villain.
For a whole month, my sister didn’t speak to me. Meanwhile, he called her every day, feeding her all the worst bits of our relationship. The betrayal of that broke me. From that point on, I stopped telling my family anything about my personal life.
He also spoke to our mutual friends in parables, using them to shame me and stir drama indirectly. All of this was happening before the official breakup. He had already started painting me as “the crazy ex” even though we weren’t broken up yet.
At some point, I just couldn’t understand what was happening anymore. He kept saying, “People think you’re so perfect.” Eventually, we called it quits.
Did you make up with your sister?
I made peace with her, and that’s when she finally opened up and told me everything. She said she had to block him at some point because he was calling her every day. At first, she said she entertained it a bit because we had just fought, but it quickly became clear that his calls were not about reconciliation. He just wanted to cause a rift between my sister and me.
I didn’t know at the time, but he was sending my friends messages on Snapchat too. Almost as if to turn everyone I loved against me. All this while, he was still owing me money.
Oh…
He paid some part of his debt, but he still owed me £5,000. When I asked for it, he said he had lost both of his jobs. I was confused. He had two good jobs. Everything started falling apart for him after the breakup. He said he owed people money and couldn’t keep up with anything.
It’s been over two years, and he still doesn’t have a job. I’ve had to go through his father to try to get my money back. In February, I had a whole conversation with the man begging to tell his son to pay me what he owes.
At one point, I wanted to file a County Court Judgement (CCJ) against him, but I couldn’t because he refused to give me his new address. If you file a CCJ in the UK, your credit will be ruined. You can’t open a bank account, get loans, or do anything financially significant for years. But he knew that, so he didn’t give me his address.
At this point, I’ve left it to God. If I get it back, fine. If I don’t, it is what it is. The funniest part is that this guy still tried to come back into my life.
No way
Yes, he tried to come back. He reached out, saying he wanted to talk to clear his mind. I said, “Your mind can never be clear.” Whatever is disturbing you now, it’s your karma. I won’t take credit because life probably just handed him what he deserves.
Let’s talk more about you. How have you been since all these happened?
My life is great. I have a great job. I’m saving for my own house and can afford anything I want. Yes, my £5,000 is still outside. But I make enough to never care about it again.
I’ve learned my lessons. I won’t be quick to involve family in my relationships anymore because that experience taught me that some people will use your vulnerability against you. And even though she’s my sister and I love her, I now know there are boundaries I have to keep for my peace.
On a scale of one to ten, how happy are you in the UK?
A solid eight.
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