1. WHERE ARE OUR GIRLS?

Because we are living in a country so far down the toilet, it has permanently clogged all pipes: six schoolgirls and two teachers were kidnapped from the safety of their boarding school — Engravers College in Chikun, Kaduna State on October 3rd, and the whole country hasn’t been flipped on its septic tank to find them.

History of kidnappings. 

This isn’t the first time the kidnapping of female students will make headlines. In 2014, the kidnap of 276 schoolgirls in Chibok made international and local headlines. In February 2018, 118 female students in Dapchi met the same fate. While over 100 were returned, 5 tragically lost their lives to the ordeal, with one schoolgirl — Leah Sharibu still missing.

Presidency’s response to the Kaduna kidnappings.

Either the government is completely oblivious to the happenings in its country, or it doesn’t consider kidnappings with less than three figures worthy of note. At the time of publishing this dispatch, the government had yet to put out a statement or course of action to bring back the girls.

However, the governor of Kaduna State, Nasir El Rufai after sending a delegation to commiserate with the community over the kidnap, has revealed that the kidnappers have demanded a ransom for the release of the girls. They withheld any additional information to prevent the investigation from being compromised.

One time is too many, three kidnappings are abominable. Here’s praying for their safe return.

2. WE’RE BREAKING BUDGET RECORDS OUTCHEA!

Whew, this presidency! First, it broke the record for the world’s poverty ranking. Then it made history with a record unemployment high, and now, the #Change administration currently holds the record for the highest Nigerian budget presented — ever, with a ₦10.3 trillion figure presented for the year 2020.

See breakthroughs! when does this guy leave again?

2020 budget to impress your friends with.

• First off, the proposed budget was calculated with the belief that Nigeria would earn revenue from oil sales at $57 per barrel, a figure a certain Senate Majority Leader — Eyinnaya Abaribe thinks might be a tad ambitious. Also, the budget was calculated using the proposed 7.5% VAT increase.
• Of the ₦10.3 trillion budget, ₦2.5 trillion (almost a quarter of the budget) will be used on debt servicing. Debt servicing is the amount of money used to make payments on the principal and interest on outstanding loans. Just FYI, Nigeria’s debt stood at N24.947 trillion (US$ 81.274 billion) as at March 2019. Wonderment.
• Clearly, sorting debt is more important than providing amenities for the people that voted you in, because the proposed capital expenditure comes in at a distant ₦2.14 trillion. While non-debt recurrent expenditure is covered to the tune of ₦4.88 trillion.
• The budget is also going to make it rain on government agencies, with an allocation of ₦556.7 billion for statutory transfers. Now repeat after me, statutory transfers are funds that must be compulsorily released to government agencies like the National Assembly, to ensure their independence.
• The Ministry of Works and Housing gets the highest capital proposal with ₦262 billion, then power with ₦127 billion. Spending on education comes in at ₦48 billion.

Who wants to bet President Buhari has a secret finsta, captioned #blessed that he wasn’t booed while presenting the budget like last year? If you have 42 minutes to kill listening to the sweet, sweet drone of the president presenting the budget, knock yourself out here.

3. WE’RE STILL TALKING ABOUT THIS MINIMUM WAGE?

If it doesn’t work the first time, try, try and try again until it becomes embarrassingly apparent that you are wasting your time and that of the country depending on you.

Clearly, 2019 isn’t the year the Nigerian Labour Congress realises strikes aren’t the way to hit the government where it hurts, because it is still making threats of a nationwide shutdown, for the government’s inability to implement the ₦30,000 minimum wage.

Here we go again.

I don’t know how every high-ranking member of the NLC doesn’t have permanent scuff marks on their behinds from all the meetings they’ve had to sit through for this minimum wage.

In the thousandth meeting for this cause, the NLC and the government had a sit-down on October 9 to attempt to decide how best to fast-track the implementation of the minimum wage. There’s also another meeting planned between both factions for October 15th for who knows what man, just pay this minimum wage already.

DID YOU MISS THIS?

1. The president has inaugurated the Economic Advisory Council. Now who’s going to fill the Economic Management Team shaped hole in Osibanjo’s heart?

2.Death to anyone blocking this governor’s convoy. Sound’s reasonable, no?

3.The solution to our insecurity issues: Borno state government signs an agreement with 30 Saudi clerics to pray for peace from Boko Haram. How does one purchase an ejector seat away from Nigeria and does it come in a medium?

4. Again, how is it 2019 in democratic Nigeria and Agba Jalingo is still being detained for doing his job as a journalist?

NOT.THE.NEWS.

1. Even though Nigeria is literally centuries away from devolving into a largely merit-based society, this article on the unsavoury sides of meritocracy is an incredibly interesting read. Check out How Life Became an Endless, Terrible Competition.

2. This article on introverts handling networking taught me a little bit on something I absolutely hate to do. You might like it.

3. My homies on the Zikoko Jollof Road trip ate very risky spaghetti in Abidjan and visited a voodoo temple in Lome. These people have lost their damn minds, check out Jollofroad.com to see what other craziness they’ve gotten up to.

Re: visiting the voodoo temple