The Nigerian experience is physical, emotional, and sometimes international. No one knows it better than our features on #TheAbroadLife, a series where we detail and explore Nigerian experiences while living abroad.
James* (25) tried to hide his true self for 20 years to survive in Nigeria and get his father to fund his trip abroad. He talks about suffering two horrific assaults that almost derailed his trip, why he left a visa sponsorship job in the UK for the chance of Permanent Residency in Canada, and how he’s trying to finally live his life freely despite his father’s denial about his sexuality.
Where do you live currently, and when did you leave Nigeria?
I live in Canada now, but I left Nigeria for the UK first. I left in 2022.
What inspired that move?
I went to the UK for my master’s degree. I left after my National Youth Service. The initial plan was to travel abroad after secondary school to do my bachelor’s in Canada, but my dad’s friend scammed him.
What happened?
My dad had never travelled out before, but he wanted his kids to. We grew up in what I’ll call a very middle-class family. My dad imports goods from Canada, so he has friends there. Since he didn’t know how to go about the relocation process, he relied on a friend in Canada to make the arrangements.
At the time, I didn’t really understand what was going on because I didn’t even believe I could travel abroad based on our living situation. I remember sitting him down—because I’ve always been very direct, even as a child—and asking, “Do you have the money?” He revealed he had been saving money for each of us to travel since we were babies.
Anyway, the guy my dad was counting on “borrowed” some money from him and ghosted. So that plan fell through. Fortunately, I had chosen to write JAMB that year even though my dad was sure I’d travel out. So after the travel plans fell through, I started university in Nigeria. I finished schooling, did my NYSC, then travelled abroad for my master’s.
It seems Canada was always the dream destination. So, how did you end up in the UK first?
That part is tied to my sexuality. Growing up in Nigeria was very difficult. I was bullied a lot in school for “acting like a girl.” I already knew from a very young age that the only way I could really survive was to run away. I played the “good boy” card and followed the rules, so I was never in my dad’s bad books. I just told myself, “You need to make ‘fuck you’ money and run away from this place.”
When he brought up Canada after secondary school, it felt like a dream come true. I now knew that he could actually afford to send me abroad. When that fell through, I went into survival mode for all of university. I was just thinking that if I kept being his “good boy,” he would send me abroad, and I would finally be free. By the time I was rounding up university, I was reaching my breaking point.
I had played the good boy for so long, I was exhausted. I had low self-esteem and a lot of self-hate. I basically went into self-destruct mode. I vowed to myself that I’d get to know myself better and take care of myself after university. A key part of that was planning to relocate with or without my dad’s help. During the COVID-19 lockdown, I learned some new skills, and I got a job. But it didn’t pay enough for me to relocate yet.
During that period, I was finding myself and exploring, and people started noticing. My dad, too, noticed, got very worried and cautious, started looking at me in a certain type of way, and it caused issues between us.
I was already applying to Canadian schools, as we had planned, only for him to tell me out of the blues the plan had changed. He decided I should go to the UK instead because he has a sister who lives there, and he wanted me to stay with her.
His sister is the first child, and she is way older than her siblings. They all fear her, including my dad, so it made sense to him that she keep an eye on me. I tried arguing, but he told me it was the UK or nothing. Canada would have been so much easier for me to start living my life freely, but I had no choice, so I had to change my plans and go to the UK.
So you applied to schools in the UK and got admission?
Yes. Funny enough, the school I chose gave me admission within 24 hours of my application. That made my dad feel even more validated, like it was God saying I should go to the UK. By that point, I didn’t really care; I just wanted to leave Nigeria. The process was seamless, but everything almost blew up before I could leave.
What happened?
As I said, during that period, I was already exploring and becoming myself. I was making some money from my job and starting to meet new people. Then I got “kitoed.”
I started chatting with a guy I met online. He said he stayed near me and we had mutuals on social media. One evening, he kept pestering me to meet him. It was around 9 p.m.; my gut told me not to go, but I had been at home for a long time and just wanted to chill.
I drove to where he directed me. It was deep inside an area with a lot of bushes. I got to an estate, and the gate man let me in. As I entered the house, they locked the door, and a bunch of guys gathered around me. It was a horrific situation. They stripped me naked, beat me, and recorded the whole thing.
They took my phone, called my siblings and other people on my contact list to demand money. I think they collected about ₦300,000. My car had a tracker in it, so my brother called my dad, and my dad tracked my car to the estate. It lasted for about two hours before they let me go.
I got home and had to explain to everyone. I was trying to explain that I didn’t do anything wrong; I just thought I was meeting a friend. It was horrible because I was almost at the finish line with my visa application. My dad was furious and said I wasn’t going anywhere and should move out of his house. I was scared. I thought everything was over. Luckily, the following week, he calmed down and gave me the money for the visa application.
Sorry you had to experience that.
Thank you.
What was it like when you finally got to the UK?
I think I saw the UK through a different lens because of the things that happened before I travelled. I was in a very dark place when I arrived. In that one weekend, I had two of the worst experiences of my life.
The morning after the kito incident, my friends checked up on me. They were all worried by the calls they had received from my attackers. So a friend came by our house with another guy I know, but wasn’t close to. They said they’d come check on me later that evening.
When they came, I made food for them, even served them wine. It started at the dining table with the guy touching my leg with his foot. I didn’t think much of it at first. My friend asked if they could spend the night since it was late. I agreed, so we all stayed in my room. I couldn’t sleep because of the trauma, so I put on a TV show. The guy came onto the bed to watch with me and kept playing with my feet. Before I knew it, he was dry humping me. As he touched my injuries from the night before, flashbacks of the attack hit me. I froze, and he had his way with me.
Back-to-back horrific events in one weekend. I couldn’t make sense of it. My spirit was broken. For months, I felt like my body was no longer my own. I couldn’t even tell my friends about the second event because it felt like too much. I held it in until I got to the UK.
That’s terrible.
I didn’t arrive in the UK with any of the usual excitement. The only thing on my mind was how not to go back to Nigeria. My aunt is not the nicest person, so I didn’t expect us to get along great, but I think my attitude at the time added to our issues. When I first arrived, she took me sightseeing, and I think she expected me to act a lot more excited about being in a new country, but I couldn’t find the energy.
She was verbally abusive, too, shouting and nagging. When I finally got a job, I immediately started stashing money to leave. I called my dad and told him I needed to leave because the energy in her house was so bad. He gave his approval, and I moved out. That was the first time in months that I was happy because I was finally on my own and free.
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What job did you get?
My first job was a warehouse job in a frozen food factory. It was terrible: 12-hour shifts in the cold. But I was just happy to be out of my aunt’s house for those hours. Even when I came back, I would just pack my stuff and go to school to spend the whole day there to avoid her.
I did the warehouse job for a month and then got a care job. It was a better environment and gave me consistent shifts. I lost so much weight from the stress. I would leave for the day with just a pack of biscuits and juice that cost less than £1, so I could save money.
So you finished your master’s in the UK?
Yes. Once I left that house, everything started going well. I got a better job as an admin in a school that paid better. I earned £900 to £1,000 for 20 hours of work. My rent was £500, and bills were under £50, so I was saving at least £450. It still wasn’t enough because I knew the UK system and how immigrants are at the bottom of the pyramid. I couldn’t see myself doing care work for five years. That’s how Canada came back into the picture.
I found out about Canada’s Express Entry and Permanent Residency (PR) process and immediately started working towards that. My dad had already spent what he had and sold a property for me to go to the UK. So I reached out to my brother, and he put his rent for the following year into my account because I needed to show about ₦5 million as proof of funds.
I used my savings to process the documentation and the World Education Services (WES) evaluation. While everyone else was applying for jobs in the UK, I was focused on Canada.
Around the time I submitted my master’s project, I got a job offer in the UK with visa sponsorship, but I declined because I knew my points for Canada would skyrocket once my master’s degree was official. I also applied for a UK post-study visa, just in case, but I knew I wouldn’t complete it.
When did you leave for Canada?
I got my PR in 2024, months into my post-study visa. It was an adventure and a waiting game. When I got it, I cried because everything I wanted came true. I packed my load and went back to Nigeria. That was my first time back in two years. I went back to process my sister’s study visa so we could both come to Canada. I spent December in Nigeria, my sister got her visa, and in early 2025, we moved to Canada.
What was that like?
It was one of the scariest things I have ever done. I was scared because I was going to an environment where I didn’t know anybody, and I knew how lonely the first relocation was. I didn’t have a job yet, and I calculated that my savings would only last eight months. And I had my sister to take care of.
I had not applied for a job in over a year and had to start from scratch. I kept hearing stories about there being no jobs in Canada and how the companies here are very big on “Canadian experience.” Luckily, I got my job five months in.
Apart from the economic opportunities, has Canada met your expectations?
I never really had any expectations. I just wanted stability and not have to worry about going back to Nigeria. I feel I have achieved everything I wanted, and now I have to start “living,” but I don’t know what to expect. I’m like a newborn baby learning how to crawl.
What about your support system? How is life socially for you in Canada?
I wouldn’t say I have a social life yet, even though I have been here for over a year. I am still socially anxious. I have to make a conscious decision to go outside. In the UK, I never went to see my friends; they always came to me. I was living in the UK as if it were temporary. I didn’t buy appliances or furniture because I knew I wasn’t staying. Now I am working on that mentality because I am here to stay.
I started taking tennis classes to meet people, and I’ve met some at work, but the walls I built up all those years for survival are still there. I can be friendly, but it takes a lot to be my friend. I am trying to make conscious decisions to go out and interact with people, to truly start living my life.
What is your plan for the near future?
I have been in my career for about seven years now, starting as an intern and working up to a senior role. But I don’t really see myself continuing in corporate. I am looking toward starting a company in a different career entirely. I have a five-year plan to move in a different direction before I turn 30. I was a very active child who did dance and drama, but I pushed that away because of the environment in Nigeria. So maybe something along those lines that allows me to explore my creative side.
I am also saving to buy my own home. I stay with my sister now, but hopefully, we will both have our own homes soon. I do not see myself getting married anytime soon.
Are you in a romantic relationship?
I have never been in a romantic relationship. I have just been in survival mode until last year. I’m starting to think I might be asexual, but that might be tied to trauma. I’ve just not been able to be vulnerable with another person.
I am open to the idea of a relationship, but I never pictured myself in a marriage. I recently started looking for a therapist to navigate my pent-up anger and get in touch with my creative side that was shoved away due to bullying and homophobia. There is a lot of unpacking I need to do.
How does your father feel about your sexuality?
During the whole kito incident, he said he had suspected my sexuality for years before that, but believed it was a phase I would outgrow.
I’ve always been feminine, and my dad never once asked why I was like that. It’s only outside, in school, that people would bully me and even “report me” to him. So when he said he always knew but thought it was a phase, it clicked for me that he was just in denial.
Where would you say he is with it now?
He is still in denial, and I feel sad for him. I have achieved everything I wanted to, and now it is time to cut that rope. When he’s praying for me, he still asks God to give me a good wife and children. My mom died when I was very young. My dad became very sick for about a year from the grief, but fortunately, he survived. He didn’t remarry, and his life has been his work and his children since then. He wants us to live the life he never had. I know he is proud of me, but the next thing on his mind is marriage, and I know I cannot give him that.
When I went back in 2024, before the move to Canada, I had changed a lot. I had cornrows, painted nails, and a neck tattoo. My dad was cool with the tattoos, but the nails ticked him off. We had a fight about it, and I told him I wasn’t coming back.
But I have so many friends in Nigeria, and I miss them so much. If I do visit, it will always be very brief, maybe two or three weeks at a time and get out of there quickly.
On a scale of one to ten, how happy are you in Canada?
I’ll say eight point five. I am trying to build up my savings again after spending everything to take care of myself and my sister last year. If I can get my emergency funds back to where I want them by the middle of the year, it would be a solid ten.
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