Segun Akande, Author at Zikoko!

It’s been a long time since Nigerian singers performed before wealthy men, recorded these shows and sold them in tapes.

Today, we’ve arrived in the age of viral stars like Teniola and Slimcase, and runs of dominance like Davido’s stellar 2017.

Nigerian music has risen to become the country’s most consistent export.

Various watershed moments have stood about between then and now.

But if anyone’s asking when this phase of Nigerian Afro-pop began, you’ll have to look no further than a decade ago, the year when a short black boy and a silver-tongued stoner initiated the beginning of a cycle.

2008 was the year when the old guard had the airwaves snatched from their hands with a brand of music that was heavy on simplicity and inimitable.

A decade since that passing of the baton, I’ve been wondering, “Where are the artists who ushered in the age of Afro-pop?”

M.I Abaga

For years, nay, decades, Nigerian hip-hop had been heavily inaccessible.

It was in a large part due to the lack of a popular middle ground.

Fans could either listen to a hybrid of gangsta and intellectual rap by cliques who were desperate to sound like their heroes in New York or a brand of amusing social commentary spearheaded by eLDee’s Trybesmen and most notably, Freestyle Essien.

M.I. changed all that with his debut album, “Talk About It” and created a new template for rappers that is still followed till this day.

So Where’s Mr Abaga Today?

Five studio albums and three mixtapes later, one could say MI is on the other side of his time at the summit.

After being Africa’s number one for over half the decade, Mr Incredible says he’s now trying to revive Nigerian hip-hop and support a new set of rule-breakers at Chocolate City.

His most recent album, “Yung Dxnzl: A Study On Self-Worth” may not have reached the heights of his previous work – but it represents where M.I. is now; a veteran looking within for what might have been and what could still be.

ASA

Asa’s classic self-titled album dropped a year earlier in 2007, but it was in 2008 that songs like Bibanke became anthems.

Asa was emo before we knew what the word meant; an eloquent soul songstress who told familiar stories in a tone that was not as familiar at the time.

In doing so, she opened the gates for other pop/soul acts and provided a formula to help them get Nigerians listening.

Nowadays, Asa Lives In France

https://www.instagram.com/p/BUzVF9alYwW/

The albums and videos come rarely nowadays.

One could say she has ascended to that self-imposed reclusive state that true artists do, and you would be right. We only see her in December for an annual concert – an experience that reminds us what we fell in love with a decade ago.

We just want her back.

There are fine, serviced flats in Banana Island.

NAETO C

Before Davido became the face of pop stars born into Nigeria’s upper class, Naeto C, son of a former Aviation minister introduced Nigeria to a new, smooth form of rap. From his diction to the subject matter and lines like “jaded view, you can’t record my flaws”, it was as if Naeto C, was saying “no be fight, we can actually make this rap thing classy”.

Naeto used the freedom to be ambitious and aspirational in his music, and many more have since.

Without Naeto, there’d be no Cartier, Ghetto P, Yung6ix. The list goes on.

This One Is A Bit Hard. Mostly Because No-One Knows What Naeto Is Up To Nowadays.

https://www.instagram.com/p/Bp2O9GNgeWW/

The only MC with an MSc, until Lord V, enjoyed his best year in 2011. And there was no better sign that heaven put hand on top am than “Share My Blessings”.

Then Naeto turned his attention to family and business and left the public eye until 2015 when he dropped two albums.

But no-one was expecting anything from him so it really went unnoticed. And that’s where we are.

We could get an album tomorrow, although the man seems engrossed in daddy duties with his third child, Naeso. Nobody knows what to expect.

9ICE

What set 9ice apart from the rest of this class was that his primary medium was Yoruba – the language, the inherent sense of melody and the rich oral tradition.

9ice had been around for a while but in 2008, the stars lined up for the Coded Tunes frontman.

The result is an album, primarily sung in one language, that crossed regional and national borders and put 9ice on the same stage as U2 for a concert in celebration of Nelson Mandela.

Nigerians had made songs in local dialects for decades, but in a world that was gradually becoming smaller, “Gongo Aso” redefined how Nigerian musicians portrayed their identity.

10 Years Later, 9ice Makes Do With Cult Status.

https://www.instagram.com/p/BqM58GXHb-F/

None of the works quite hit the creative and commercial heights that Gongo Aso did.

And while he’s one of the most prolific artists around – 9 albums in 12 years – quality has steadily been in short supply.

Yet “Gongo Aso” is not so easily forgotten and he still enjoys the repute the album gave him – 9ice still makes music but it’s just not as nice anymore.

X-PROJECT

If there’s one song that can define the intensity with which indigenous dance music overran 2008, it’s “Lorile”.

Little was known of the trio before they showed up in early 2008 with a hit that really shouldn’t have worked.

To start with, the song was noisy, it was entirely made in Yoruba and it was impossible to make any sense of what Konga, the featured guest, was saying.

Yet, it became a dance floor staple from my street carnival to Road Runners . X-Project’s success validated a lot of underground musicians in Ebute Metta, Agege and all the Lagos’ suburbs where this sort of music had grown over years.

Lowkey, this is the reason ‘shaku-shaku’ has gone international, ‘shepeteri’ is popular slang and Slimcase has a career.

If You Find X-Project, Please Call 08072769656.

We need help with this one. These men seem to have left the face of God’s green earth.

J.MARTINS

Prior to 2008, J.Martins was largely known as a producer from the East whose signature sound was a fast-paced take on highlife influenced by soca rhythms.

J. Martins brought that mix of Igbo and Brazil to bear on “Good or Bad” featuring frequent collaborators, P-Square and Timaya.

For all purposes, it was a pop song as evidenced in its wild popularity but layered within was a formula that adapted high-life music for the 21st century.

Highlife had finally found a place at popular music’s table. It wouldn’t be until 2017 that a Yoruba boy by way of Ghana would alter the formula.

Is J.Martins Still Tweaking Highlife in 2018?

https://www.instagram.com/p/BoqJwFhFfXM/

Not exactly.

Some would give J. Martins credit for building a bridge between Anglophone and Francophone Africa. At a time when his peers were chasing Snoop Dogg, he was making his name alongside acts like Fally Ipupa and DJ Arafat.

Today, he’s more likely to be seen globe-trotting for his various side hustles. The odd song still comes out – like October’s “Ogologo Ndu”.

It’s been a long time since he was living with P.Square and hoping for his big break. There’s no pressure now.

Honourable Mention: WIZKID

Wizkid didn’t drop his first single until 2010, and we had to wait till the next year for his debut album.

But if you’re looking to find when Nigeria’s most influential artiste of the last decade first announced himself, it was in 2008 on “Fast Money, Fast Cars”, off MI’s debut, “Talk About It”.

MI told me Wizkid recorded the verse off random freestyles, after taking a bike to his house following a phone call. It was a small taste of what was to come.

In the next three years, Wizkid would become the most-sought-after hook-master on the continent, define what it meant to be a wunderkind and break the ceiling for his peers.

Walking Runways In Dolce & Gabbana. Scoring a US No. 1 Hit As A Featured Act On Drake’s “One Dance”. Fronting For Brands Like Ciroc And Moschino.

https://www.instagram.com/p/BqSJwrKhf8X/

Wizkid is still breaking ceilings.

For the first time since 2011, he may have genuine contenders for his position as the biggest musician in Nigeria.

But when the trends end, Wizkid’s legacy will be that he gave the rest a standard to meet, or at the least, aspire to.
You may have noticed that Nigeria is big on religion.

There’s a church or mosque almost every street. And everyone makes a note to say which faith they believe in.
As a Nigerian, you have three options.

You can be a Christian, a Muslim. Anything else is jazz. It’s recognised but you’re better off leaving that shit for Chiwetalu Agu. There’s land to be stolen.
Of course, you can believe in other things or not believe in anything at all.

There are agnostics – people who think no one can know if God exists or not. And atheists – a very interesting group of people who don’t believe in the idea of gods, let alone, a supreme one.
The reason why you hardly hear anything about them is that in Nigeria, you either believe in God or the Devil.

That’s why Nigerian atheists are very familiar with these struggles.
People will act like you killed someone the first time you mention it.

“What is Atheist?” “You don’t believe in God?” “Who now created you?”
Sometimes you have to defend yourself.

God forbid you let it slip in public that you’re an atheist. You’ll suddenly find yourself in an argument where you have to answer questions like whether your mother dropped you beside a river as a baby. But bros, nobody asked you why you decided to become a Christian. Leave me, plis dear.
Prepare to be judged, pushed away and left out)

People generally don’t like children of the devil (which is what they’ve decided you are). So don’t be surprised when a mother refuses to let you carry their baby because your sin will stain the child. Or you get excluded from conversations because you’ll come and scatter everything with logic. You really thought that not believing in God would save you from judgement, didn’t you?
You don’t get invited for religious holidays either

Okay. So you don’t believe in God, yes? But you want to eat meat that was killed to honour him and his messenger. Sho wa okay?
Even your parents will disown you

Take this one to the bank. They’ll start by asking you if you’ve gone to church, every Sunday, for 52 weeks straight. Then one day, you’ll come home and the gateman will no longer recognise you. Life anagaga.
Leaving you with no-one and nothing to believe in

It may seem like the most basic thing but having someone to pray to is a big deal. You, on the other hand, must now sit and wallow in your pain because how can a God that does not exist help his children (who you’re not one of.)
And you’ll even get dragged when you say things like “Oh My God”

And when you’re straffing, you have to say “Oh Science, Yes Science. Oh Science. Probe Meeee”.
The only way to avoid all of this is to play along.

Being an atheist means you have to nod along and smile while people say and do the most stupid things to avoid being picked on. Because Nigerians think they know everything, including why you’re really just confused and you’ll realise there’s a God when you get married. It’s the only way you’ll survive.
Basically, you have to choose the path of peace and accept them.

Peace is your new religion. The thing is, we know nobody has this life thing completely figured out, regardless of what they believe in. What’s more; there’s enough space for all of us, regardless of our differences. Live and let live.
It’s cool to be alte and all that now, but I can tell you for free that the 2000s were the best time ever.

Sure, the internet was young and we had to wait for Kakaaki and Music Africa to know what was up with the world.

But it was also the time of peak Basketmouth, Cadbury Breakfast Television and the best music ever.

As someone who grew up in the 2000s, it felt like the music was made with me in mind. There was music for every mood and every situation.

Looking back, it’s why I feel like I can tell part of my life story in songs from that era.

So let’s do it, seeing as we’re already here anyway, here’s a glimpse into my version of the 2000s, in 10 songs.

Sound Sultan – Mathematics

“Jagbajantis”, as we called the song then, became an unofficial anthem that we used as tease our maths teacher.

I loved it so much when it came out that in 2007, I skipped school to see him perform at Yaba.

But this was before alte children started going for shows at midnight. Basically, my mother beat me because of Sound Sultan.

Eedris AbdulKareem – Mr Lecturer

I grew up seeing Eedris as an angry person. Then he made this honest depiction of what students go through in universities.

A female classmate was so worried that she had me write the lyrics for her to see if she would understand what happened better. It was one of those moments when I realised life can be difficult for young women.

2face Idibia – Nfana Ibaga

2face dropped this song around the same time I began to blossom into a healthy teenager with my own beliefs and principles.

And one of them, the most fundamental, was that “I never give another man yawa, because I got my conscience by my side, got peace of mind inside” etc etc.

Tony Tetuila – Two Women (feat. VIP)

2007 was the year I finally became interested in the opposite sex. Except they weren’t interested in me. So I was forced to sing about loving two women and not knowing which one to take, as I trekked home along women who knew I was lying.

Olu Maintain – Yahooze

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0Jh8tCns-Bg

The earth stopped spinning when Olu Maintain dropped Yahooze. And in that time, we pointed at the sky for a whole ass year. This was the song that changed what it meant to have a hit… before those two boys began disrespecting everybody.

Styl Plus – Olufunmi

This song proved to me that Nigerian kids can be like those preppy teens from classic American flicks like Grease and American Pie. I would sit on my desk in secondary school and lead a class of 25 as we sang like devotees. Then our free period would end and life would return to being a constant struggle with mathematics.

Lord of Ajasa – Le Fenu So ((feat. 9ice)

This was literally the first song I heard when I moved into my apartment at the University of Ado-Ekiti. The lyrics of the hook loosely translates to “Anyone can (use their mouth to) say whatever they like. It was my perfect mood because I had found myself outside civilisation, while my friends went to school in Lagos and Abuja. A song to soothe the pain.

MP – Pasa Pasa

All my course registration money in Year 2. This is where it went. Into getting drunk enough to dance like this song deserved. I’m sorry, mama.

Wande Coal – You Bad

Go to Ado-Ekiti. Take a bus to EKSU main gate. Cross the road. Look for a viewing centre. Tell them you’re looking for the guy who used to collect people’s money and only listened to “You Bad” while playing. They’ll give you my old number.

Wizkid – Holla At Your Boy

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Aw6IUBu5DBw

Wizkid’s debut hit was the beginning of a new chapter. Both in Nigerian music and in my life. While singers were scrambling to find the new formula, it was the time when I decided old things would pass away and I would become a fresh boy. I learned that wearing jackets and hats only makes you look like a bike man.

I could go on for days but there’s life to be lived yet. These days, there are new things to be happy about.

Depending on how the next few years go, I could also say I’ll have the songs to define the 2010s and yes, Burna Boy’s Ye would be one of them.

Ah. Let’s all raise a glass in honour of simpler times before we realised that adulting is a globally-accepted scam.
Life hacks sound great. University in Nigeria, after all, is a drawn-out rite of passage.

So it helps to have a few tips to wriggle your way around. But as I’ve found out, having the formula doesn’t always mean you can solve the maths.

You do, however, deserve a fighting chance.

That’s why I’m here. I’m the plug. The one with the tips. Let’s go to the place where the answers are.

Become a course representative

Why would a lecturer fail the only name and face he actually remembers?

You’re the collector in his side-hustle and will be treated with adequate respect. A free pass if there ever was one.

Keep your materials close. And your friends closer.

Simply, there are people with the plug to the exact pages of some random textbook from 2015.

They are–as you may have found–the difference between life and deep self-reflection.

Never be the lone wolf – Always move with the pack

Some people will wait for you till you’re all alone, find an audience and embarrass you. So you need to be with your squad at all times.

Sometimes, you’ll need them so you can start the new semester looking like Migos rejects in unison, with one mind. It’s all valid.

Create Value for the tandem – Become a plug

There’s a value chain in the university ecosystem. You, as a young person trying to survive, are only as useful as what you offer.

For me, it was the newest music on flash drives, straight from Lagos. Jimmy Jatt would have been proud.

You could join the SUG. Or a dance group.

Everybody loves a dancer. Which is why Stomp The Yard is a disturbing movie.

Except the problem is you probably can’t dance and university is the worst possible place to make that public.

What I didn’t tell you at the beginning of this post is that most of these hacks don’t work.

The truth is that there are no real hacks. But there’s something that can get you through anything from university to adulting – hard, smart work.

Either way, with the right amount of tenacity, you can make it out of university.

When you do, remember to come to thank me for being a mentor and helping you find yourself and all that.

Before then, if you’d like to tell great stories while thinking about your 8am lecture, click here.
They say thunder hardly strikes twice in the same place. Not in Kemi Adetiba’s world. The filmmaker has made magic for the second time running with “King of Boys”, a Nigerian story told with wicked accuracy.

Her new 3-hour long testament to Lagos culture and its eccentric underground is a new gospel in popular culture.

JUST LOOK AT THIS. You still haven't watched King Of Boys? pic.twitter.com/2shQRQqvy2
— Adesua Etomi-Wellington (@AdesuaEtomiW) November 5, 2018

Between the critical acceptance and all the records left in its wake – even though brevity is not one of its many strengths – I’ll stick my neck to say King of Boys is a modern Nigerian classic.

The opening scene embodies the rest of the movie

“Ain’t no party like a Lagos Party”.

The owambe at the beginning of the movie was nearly perfect in making that evident and setting the stage for the rest of the movie.

Sola Sobowale mastered an owambe in a manner different from the last time we saw her expensive lace. Between that and the running commentary from ‘haters’, she gave a crash course in how Lagos socialites celebrate each other.

There was King Wasiu Ayinde Marshall, KWAM 1, the man without whom your owambe is really just a get-together.

The depiction of Nigerian power was audacious

King of Boys is really a movie about power in its most Nigerian forms; from struggles for political office to controlling the underworld – even sibling rivalry made the cut.

Every time it came up, it was done with awesome precision. Power in Nigeria is as raw as it was depicted, as noisy as Eniola’s rants, as rash as Makanaki and it can block your throat as it did to Aare Akinwande.

It’s why I so much love it.

The Beautiful Nods To The Centre Of Excellence: Lagos

Eko is the city that rewards tenacity and grit but will chew you up and spit you out at a moment’s notice.

In the movie, the beauty of Lekki and the audacity of stolen money hidden in septic tanks are a nice contrast for the grime of its gangsters and meetings in dingy warehouses.

Few cities can give you both in one breath and Lagos creates a beautiful backdrop for Eniola’s story that the movie captures beautifully.

Call it a lesson in using sound to tell Nigerian stories

Sound has always occupied an interesting place in Nigerian movies. There’s that ominous din that comes before Kanayo O. Kanayo drops someone’s name for jazz.

Most times, it’s used so badly that it means nothing. Which is why the approach in King Of Boys is worth appreciating. The main song used in the score – Sess’ Original Gangster – is apt and used sparingly.

Elsewhere, the sounds of Lagos, from car horns to random people arguing give the story more context. Hopefully, Nollywood can learn from this and stop outsourcing important work to upcoming choristers.

Eniola Salami is the true Lagos Matriarch

A friend of a friend has a grandmother who came to Lagos as a young salesgirl, who barely knew how to greet in English. Today, she is a businesswoman with millions in weekly sales.

Eniola’s is a familiar story. She’s that wealthy trader in Lagos who believes that the ends will justify the means and just wants to be given credit for the work she’s put in.

She’s Lagos (and God’s worst punishment) in a human being. And most of all, she’s real.

Reminisce killed Makanaki

If you’ve lived in Lagos for long enough, you know a Makanaki or you’ve heard of him before. An impulsive, understated and eloquent street thug whose ambition is written on his forehead. And I doubt if anyone could have played him as well as Reminisce did. It’s like when he said ‘I murder niggas for a living’ in 2016, he meant it. Now we just want to see Makanaki show up somewhere; a music video, an origin story – just give me anything and I’ll take it like that.

It’s the best character lineup I’ve seen in recent times

So maybe in a way, what makes King of Boys so special is the characters. Every single person felt natural; a real-life person that we could swear we’ve met before. Someone you would find if you just spent enough time in the right places in Lagos. The power-hungry Makanaki. The profit-driven Odogwu Malay. The ambitious young Eniola Salami.

A story is only as good as the people who tell it, and the people who tell the story of our King of Boys tell it well.

If You haven’t seen King of Boys, you should.
One of the first things you learn when you leave your “Mummy, is there food at home?” phase is that money, no matter how much it is, is never enough.

There are bills, expenses and unknown evil spirits that suck your money, never to be seen again.

What then do you do when you hit a dry patch? The obvious option is usually to take a quick advance or a few loans from your friends.

And when you and your finances are in agreement again, you pay back the loans. Sounds simple, right? Except the whole thing is a setup.

You want to know why loans are an idea from hell?

Let me share my lessons from the other side.

They encourage you to over-spend

Knowing you can get a loan when you want increases your tendency to spend more than you actually have. Meaning you basically spend your money in advance.

Sadly, this doesn’t dawn on you until you have to part with the money later–around the same time you realise you probably didn’t need that thing, or you would have been better off if you’d saved.

Now, you don’t know how you’ll make it to the end of the month. Congratulations, you played yaself.

Issa Slippery Slope

You need 5k for a quick bill payment. So you call your guy to do a transfer. Someone suggests a road trip that you’d love to go on, but no money. So you call your guy to do a quick 30k bank transfer.

You get home from the trip and as you try to set your bag down to open the door, your phone’s screen cracks. You could wait and save up–but you call your guy again.

Then you wake up one morning to the news that you have to sell all your property because your guy wants to pay his rent and he needs his money. How you see life now?

STRESSSS

There’s no rest for the wicked. And except you’re one of those people who didn’t come with a factory-fitted conscience, knowing you’re in debt can linger on your mind and be a major distraction, especially when you have trouble paying back.

You’ll never be able to save

How do expect to keep money away for a rainy day when all the money you have is not even yours?

What’s worse? You’ll have a hard time achieving anything

Okay. Maybe it’s not that serious. But, from experience, I know that being in debt can be a hindrance to actually using your money to do stuff you care about.

Like saving up for a course or to go to that Burna Boy concert you’ve been planning since you heard “Like to Party”.

So what do you do when you fall short of cash?

Prevention, they say, is better than cure. So the best way out of such situations is to ensure you don’t get there in the first place.

Set aside a percentage of every amount you get as your untouchable savings. That way, you can be covered when those ‘unexpecteds’ show up.

Don’t say we never did anything for you.
There’s nothing, quite literally, that hasn’t been said about the state of Nigeria’s universities and the education system, at large.

You’ve heard it all. Nigerian universities are understaffed, underfunded and overcrowded. Their curriculums are as old as the lecturers’ degrees.

Gangs begin to scout you from the very first day like a Barcelona prospect. Lectures happen by the special grace of God and nothing else.

All of this paints the picture of a Nigerian university as a sufferhead training school.

And no-one knows this to be true more than the sufferheads-in-training themselves; students.

If they understand the problems, it only makes sense that they’d have a few ideas on how to fix things.

We asked 5 Nigerian undergrads what they would do to fix their universities.

Here’s what they said.

Oriafo Fehintola – The University of Benin.

“Students should be admitted strictly to study the courses they choose, as opposed to instances where they get admitted for a vague course as consolation. Lecturers should teach students with enthusiasm and stop looking at them as avenues to make extra money.”

“Things would be better if we had genuine teacher-student relationships, coupled with innovative ways of teaching that don’t involve needless dictation and long rambling.”

Babalola Oyinlola Jane – Adeniran Ogunsanya College of Education.

“A good place to start would be for the Federal Government to increase the funds provided for the educational sector and ensure it’s effectively spent (because, corruption.)”

“And why don’t we have internet access on Nigerian university campuses in 2018, please? That – and basic amenities like well-equipped libraries and laboratories – so we can do what we actually came to school for.”

Olumuyiwa Aguda – University of Ilorin, Ilorin, Kwara State.

“We need to create a more practical structure. We should set up exchange programs with universities outside Nigeria and Africa. And learning is not just about long lectures and bored students – extracurricular activities and skill acquisition will help nurture talents and so on.”

“And finally, we should show existing lecturers that they won’t die if they use tech and the internet to be better at their jobs, and hire more hands.”

Oluwasindara Dada – National Open University Of Nigeria.

“It would be unrealistic to claim the hero and want to turn things around for my entire school but there’s one thing I did and can do, its self-tutoring.”

“Students coming together to study something they’ve learned individually, together is one way to balance this entire issue. And that’s what I did.”

Avan-Nomayo Osasenaga. University of Lagos.

“Going to a Nigerian University is more like a survival course than getting an actual education. Whoever decides the teaching outline needs to learn what the internet is. It’s 2018, not 1982.”

“Let’s do a refresher course and introduce these old geezers to the world today. The delivery method needs to change. If you can’t get familiar with new teaching methods and tools, you shouldn’t be lecturing. Simple. We’re paying school fees please, don’t stress me.”

There you have it, folks. If there’s one thing that stands out here, it’s that Nigerian students have little faith in the capacity of the people who teach and train them.

For instance, Naga, who describes himself as “a very concerned and pained student that can’t wait to finish school and breathe easy” goes on to say “A Doctorate isn’t any proof that you can teach or should be teaching.”

“It doesn’t make sense when people with no imagination are put in charge of lecturing young individuals with dreams and aspirations.”

So is there any hope, you ask?

Things may look pretty gloomy, but not all hope is lost–we can fix Nigerian universities.

Our biggest obstacle is that education is expensive, and as things are, our country is too broke to afford the quality that it’s young people need.

There are some ways to overcome this–A wise man has suggested working with private employers to design the curriculum (and hopefully provide some funding). But that’s long-term stuff.

Going by what our undergrads think, introducing some senior citizens to the internet as quickly as possible might be a good place to start.

Let us know what you’d do to fix things in the comments. Don’t be shy.
Movies were a big part of our lives growing up.

Some of them left us feeling like hard guys. But a movie or two shook the very foundations of our existence. In three hours or less, they showed us the wages of sin and bad behaviour in somewhat blurry detail.

Lowkey, we need to thank these movies for making us into well-behaved people.

Diamond Ring

This movie’s influence on me is so strong that when I got into university as a prodigy of sorts, I didn’t make any friends. I was convinced that someone would make me their bestie over beer that my father never let me drink. Next thing, I’d be stealing something that belonged to an angry dead woman.

Moral lesson: Don’t join bad gang.

Karishika

Fine girls will kill you. Why? Because Karishika teaches us that there are fine girls who are also witches that can snatch your soul and contribute it to their coven. And that ominous theme song “Karishika, Karishika! Queen of Darkness, Lucifer Lucifer King of Demons,” is still the most troubling thing I’ve ever heard.

Moral lesson: All that glitters is not gold.

Just A Little Sin

A.k.a. “Just A Lirru Knacks”. So a young promising choir member, played by the wonderful Gloria Bamiloye, has sex for what may be the first time in her life. Over the next hour or so, her entire world comes crashing down. People start falling sick and dying. The church falls into disarray. Then, our sister-in-the Lord dies (as payment for the knacks, of course) and is taken to heaven by a sketchy character in white tablecloth.

Moral lesson: Knacks will kill you.

End of the Wicked

A movie full of darkness and evil children, including one named “Mistake”. This movie single-handedly made us scared of puff-puff and all our childhood friends. Also, Alex Osifo as Beelzebub is the scariest thing I remember from my childhood.

Moral lesson: Your friends can use fried goods to take you to hell.

Ultimate Power

aka Agbara Nla. This is the second movie on this list by Mount Zion, the film production company run by the Bamiloyes that scarred our childhoods. The evil that is this movie still rests in most people’s memories, screaming “Ayamatanga”.

Moral lesson: Las las, all of us will die.

Nneka The Pretty Serpent

This 1992 special was dedicated to the men of God who have an eye for pretty members of their flock. But when did that ever stop us from learning a lesson or two? Nneka, the lead character, switched from “mermaid to hot cake inna the church” and nothing remained the same.

Moral lesson: Fine girls are bad for you.

The Last Burial

If you believe Nollywood, every wealthy man has a few skeletons in his wardrobe. And if he’s like Ogbuefi Ozor Nnamani, the lead character, you’ll find out when his corpse refuses to be buried. Literally. Because at some point when he was alive, he thought seeking dollars from the Great Shankiki. The entire movie has him sitting up in his coffin dead, because no one thought to cremate him.

Moral lesson: Things would have been different if I grew up in ’60s.

Witches

This was like the Avengers of the underworld. Apart from having a stellar cast, it also had the strongest line-up of witches before Koto Aiye. And that god-forsaken song.

Moral lesson: Where two or three are gathered, there are witches.
Gather round, boys and girls. Today, we’re talking about Feminism, feminists and stupid questions.

After decades of maintaining (and enjoying) the status quo, it seems the world is finally acknowledging how society has been unfair to the female gender.
Let’s take our society for instance.
The average Nigerian girl is raised to be a mother and little else. As a child, she often has to prove she’s as deserving as her male counterparts to even get a shot at anything. As an adult, more often than not, she becomes her partner’s side-kick and spends her prime years tending to her family. All of her life, she is made to feel like an accessory to her male peers and treated as such.
Feminism is seeking to change all that.

That’s why it’s one of the biggest social movements of the last few decades. Simply, it’s an ongoing campaign for women to be seen as equal. Feminists are asking for one simple thing; that women are given equal footing and opportunity, with no recourse to their gender.
But as you would expect, people have reacted in different ways.
There are those who insist that today’s women are just spoilt brats who are complaining about the same things their mothers handled happily. The people we want to talk about are those who are standing by the door – waiting for a nice, God-fearing feminist to explain what’s going on to them. They swear they would be feminists too, only if someone could just explain exactly how they’ve contributed to the status quo.
But do Feminists really need to explain anything to you?

The simple answer is NO.
Here’s why – To start with, you’re part of the problem

If you’re a man who breathes air and eats food, you contribute to and benefit from the problem. How? You ask. Odds are, growing up, no one ever told you to leave your books to join mummy in the kitchen so you could be a good wife. You probably weren’t raised as if your role as a human is to bear children and raise a family. And if we’re being serious, no-one has ever accused you of using runs money to buy your new phone. If anyone should understand the system and how it benefits men; it’s you.
Or you’re just too lazy to task your brain.

Saying you need someone to explain feminism to you feels like plain mental laziness. It’s like saying you don’t understand why bad hygiene is a problem. So you’re going to continue soiling your trousers until the Minister of Health comes to explain hygiene to you. Simply, it’s not a valid excuse. Feminism isn’t exactly rocket science.
But… there’s a BUT.

Is it possible to understand where these guys are coming from? The ones with their hands spread out, waiting for an explanation. We can’t deny that there’s yet a long way to go, but in recent times, the campaign for women’s rights has been overtaken by a lot of… other things.
Frankly, it’s all very confusing and exhausting.

Terms like “Man-splaining” and patriarchy itself have become overused to the extent that they now only dilute the message. Also, while feminism tries to draw attention to gender inequality, some funny people are hiding under its canopy to spread misandry – an ingrained prejudice against men.
What is this moral lesson in all of this?
What all of this means is that Feminism, in its purest form, is getting lost in the sauce. And that serves no one well. The truth is that a world where men and women are treated equally, with equal access to opportunity and balance in responsibility, is better for everyone. Maybe that’s why we need to talk about it more. Maybe, just maybe, we need to explain to those who want to understand but don’t.
The universe runs on many truths – and one of them, even though no-one will ever tell you – is that no matter how lump-y the sum of money is, it will runs out..

What it means is that you’ll never have enough money. Obviously, you’ll want to know the evil spirits behind this. As I’ve learned, there’s nothing you can do to them, but knowing doesn’t hurt either does it.
Our first bus-stop is in Lagos. In fact, it’s Lagos itself.

Lagos is a black hole that sucks money. It doesn’t matter if you don’t live there. It’s absurdly likely that if you live in West Africa, an accountant in Marina has calculated half your pay as part of someone’s income and locked it up in the abyss, never to be seen again.
The Black Tax

No, don’t blame the FIRS. The Black Tax is basically the extra money that black people are expected to give every month to support their extended families i.e “Segun, what’s up? How’s work? I’m broke” and other sibling-related stories.
Inflation

Inflation eats at a currency’s self-esteem, basically reducing its value over time. So if you’re in a country where it’s high, like Nigeria, your savings may be worth half in a few years. Just imagine dropping a bale of money every year and coming back at intervals to find a fraction missing, every single time.
Miscellaneous

Sitting at the bottom of your expense sheet or Spendee profile. The guy who claims everything you’re too proud to account for or you can’t fit in any expense category. If you’re ever dutiful enough to track your spending, you almost always find out it’s where most of your money goes.
Unforeseen Expenses

What do you do when joy overcomes you and you drop your phone to see it shatter to pieces? Do you have enough stashed to buy yourself a new laptop if it suddenly joins its ancestors in Computer Village? Important questions like this always come up and you will never be prepared enough. Proof that Sarkodie lied when he said “money no be problem”.
You

Yes, you. Will you die if you don’t get the new phone every year? In good times, everyone tends to think they spend fairly well, but we often ignore the fact that your money needs your permission to leave your account. Hold yourself responsible. More proof that you’re actually stronger than your village people.
As you probably know, there’s no surefire way to avoid this. What you can do is…

Put some money away. But as we now know, money loses value in its sleep. So all that money has to go somewhere it can work and valuable. In simple terms, invest in something. There are apps for micro-investing and if you’re feeling particularly nice, you could put your savings in a friend’s business. We shall all prevail.