The topic of how young Nigerians navigate romantic relationships with their earnings is a minefield of hot takes. In Love Currency, we get into what relationships across income brackets look like in different cities.
Interested in talking about how money moves in your relationship? If yes, click here.
How long have you and your husband been together?
Bashir and I have been married for 36 incredible years. My husband is my best friend, and these 36 years have been the best years of my life.
So sweet already. How did you meet?
We met in Kaduna around 1989, when I was 19, and he was 24.
My family attended a mutual friend’s wedding, and Bashir’s family was present. Our mums were friends, so they introduced us. I don’t remember much about that first meeting because I didn’t want to be at the wedding, but I remember he was polite, and he told me he had gotten a job, which I found impressive.
After that, he started visiting my father’s house, and we would talk all the time. Slowly, I grew to like him as a friend, which was unique because I didn’t have any male friends back then.
When did things switch from friendship to something more?
To be honest, I don’t think I fell in love with Bashir the way people talk about falling in love today. Back then, the most important thing was finding a responsible, godly, and financially stable man when you were supposed to get married, and Bashir ticked most of those boxes.
My family had started talking about me settling down, and Bashir was a good candidate. He was responsible, thoughtful and very respectful. I also liked that he was intentional about getting to know me. He didn’t make me feel like I was just someone he wanted to marry so he could check off that box.
Also, he was around my age, which was great since some of the men who tried to marry me were my father’s age. Shortly after we met, Bashir and I talked about getting married; our families supported us, and a year later we had a small wedding. I was 20, and he was 25.
20 seems very young.
Not back then. I had friends who were married at 18 and 19. If anything, I got married late.
People wanted to marry me when I was younger, but my father was against it. I remember being angry about having to wait. In my circle, many girls didn’t pursue higher education. After secondary school, the next goal was getting married, and waiting felt like I was failing.
It may seem backwards today, but that was what we knew at the time. Luckily for me, Bashir turned out to be an incredible husband. Once we were married, the romantic feelings started to come in. He made me laugh and was never angry if the house wasn’t arranged or his food came late. If I had a bad day, he did everything in his power to make me happy. All my friends told me I was lucky.
Were money conversations also this easy?
Funny enough, I was the one who didn’t talk about money when we first got married. Bashir was the breadwinner, and I was the housewife. I didn’t think I needed to know about his finances.
Yet, Bashir involved me as much as he could. He was a banking officer making ₦900/month. Anytime I asked for money, he gave it to me. I can’t recall him ever saying no, and if what I wanted was out of his budget, he’d tell me he’d get it for me later. He always did.
There’s something he did I can never forget. We had been married for a few months, and I wanted to start wearing makeup since I wasn’t allowed to at my father’s house. There was a woman in the area who was doing makeup classes for ₦20. I asked Bashir for the money, but he gently said he didn’t have it. However, the next week, the woman saw me and told me my husband had begged her to let me join the class, and that he’d pay the money with interest once he had it. He never told me how much he gave that woman, but I think he doubled her money, and I attended the makeup class.
He also paid for my convenience. When I was living with my parents, we used to pluck the feathers off the chickens we’d cook ourselves. I didn’t like doing it, and when I told Bashir, he started paying for our chicken to be de-feathered. I didn’t even know that was a thing at the time.
Stop. That is so cute.
That’s who Bashir is, incredibly considerate. Now that I’m more educated, I know marrying a man I didn’t date was a gamble. But honestly, Bashir has been the best gamble of my life.
But I can’t lie and say we didn’t have issues. When Bashir and I had our first child a year after getting married, we had a bit of a rocky time.
Bashir got an incredible work deal, and he moved us to Lagos. Being away from my family was hard as a new mother. I was in a city with people I didn’t know, and Bashir’s new job kept him out of the house longer. I complained I wanted to go back home, but for the first time in my life he told me no.
In his defence, it was an incredible deal. We moved into a two-bedroom not long after he got his job, and he hired two nannies to help with the baby, but it was not the same, and I missed my family.
On our son’s second birthday, I told Bashir I wanted another child. At least, if he wasn’t around often, he could give me children that would keep me company. But he said no, that he wanted us to wait, because he was thinking I should go back to school.
Back to school?
Yes, and he was very serious.
He told me he had wanted me to go to school for a long time, but didn’t want to say anything until he could afford it. Now, two years into his new job, he could.
He expected me to be happy, but I was furious. I thought he was suggesting I wasn’t doing enough as a wife and mother, or that he had wanted a more educated woman from the start.
He tried to explain that none of that was true, and that he was thinking about my future and just wanted what was best for me. But I already thought the life I had was the best for me.
So, I refused. It felt like a waste of my time. He tried hard to make me feel better about the idea, but everything he said made it worse. He later dropped the idea, and I was the one who eventually returned to say I wanted to go to school.
What made you change your mind?
I wish I could say I naturally came around to being more educated, but the truth is, I became insecure. I started speculating that Bashir was working long hours because he was seeing a university-educated side chick. It’s not even possible, but my mind went far.
So, I told him I would go to school, but only if we could have a second child. He agreed. In 1993, I sat for WAEC, barely passed, and soon I was enrolled in university, studying business administration because everybody said it was the easiest course. I was 23 and pregnant with my second son.
What was it like returning to school after marriage and motherhood?
It was a big adjustment because I had been away from the classroom for a long time. I also had responsibilities at home, so I couldn’t attend school the way I might have when I was single. Plus, I was older than most of my classmates, one of the only women in my class, and pregnant for most of my first year. It was difficult.
But by my second year, I began to manage well. Bashir was very proud of me. He would encourage me whenever I felt overwhelmed, and he never made me feel like my education was taking away from my responsibilities at home. I think it even brought us closer.
I completed my degree with a first-class at 27.
I’m so glad it worked out for you. Did you use your degree?
Yes. I decided in university that I wanted to be a tailor, and my degree helped me learn the business side of things.
I started my tailoring business in 2000. It started quite small, and I had periods when I almost shut it down because of difficulties, but I pulled through. My husband was the biggest help. He bought me the fabrics I initially used, the sewing machine I started with, and supported me with money whenever my business wasn’t doing so well.
I was so invested in my business that I attended business school in my 30s. Bashir wholeheartedly paid for it. I believe that seriously helped me, even more than my degree.
Love it for you. Do you still run the business today?
Oh yes. I’ve been running my business for 26 years, and I’m proud of what I’ve built. I have employees and shops in two Nigerian states. Today, my business brings me ₦2 million – ₦3 million monthly.
Incredible. How does Bashir feel?
He’s very happy. I think sometimes he’s even more excited about my achievements than I am.
Whenever something good happens with the business, he celebrates with me. He likes to tell his friends that he has a designer tailor at home, and whenever he has a really important function, he asks me to sew his clothes so he can market my business.
I am so grateful for him.
What’s your financial dynamic like now?
As good as ever. Bashir now earns ₦950k a month, but he has also recently got into some freelance consulting work, which boosts his income to ₦1.5m or ₦2m a month. However, I typically earn more than him.
The income gap has never been a problem for him. Sometimes he even jokes that I’m his madame. Also, he rarely lets me contribute to the house. Bashir prefers to handle most expenses. My own money goes into savings for my two children, stocks, and financial support for my family in Kaduna. I also pamper myself with makeup, clothes, and body care.
How about relationship expenses, like dates or gifts?
We started going on dates a few years ago. We didn’t do these things when we were younger since we didn’t understand them, but recently we’ve been going out to expensive restaurants, and I love it. Bashir always pays, but I’ve started sneaking to pay other bills behind his back, like parking or dessert, and he always laughs at me. It has even become a game between us.
I’m planning on getting him a car for his birthday coming in December. He’ll complain, but I know he secretly wants a big Jeep, and I can’t wait to be the one who gives it to him.
I think the only thing I sometimes worry about is his resistance to my paying for things. Yes, it can be funny and romantic, but sometimes it’s annoying. I know he means well, but I feel good about contributing to the household. I wish he let me do it more.
For example, I want to get my children iPhone 18s and the matching Apple Watches for Christmas, but Bashir has told me he’ll do it, which makes me sad. I’d like my sons to be able to tell their friends and colleagues that it was their mum who got it for them. It’s difficult being the only one who doesn’t give an expensive gift every holiday, because my sons always get me big gifts as well.
I’ll talk to Bashir about it, and I think eventually I can get him to loosen up. Overall, I’m still very happy with our dynamic, and I’m so grateful that Bashir has pushed me the way he has.
I’m sure it’ll work out. What’s next for you both?
My children are grown now, and my business basically runs itself, so I think I finally have time to pursue my master’s degree.
I’m not yet sure what I want it to be in, but everyone is supporting me, even my sisters who didn’t go to university. But, of course, my biggest supporter is Bashir.
He has already promised that, whatever school I go to, he’ll support me and pay for it. He’s a bit worried about me doing a master’s at my age, but I told him this is what I want.
However, I think I’d like to pay for this degree on my own. All my other wins feel like we share them, but I want to be able to say I am accomplished enough to put myself through school. It’s part of the things I want to discuss with him when we have the time.
But whatever happens, I know Bashir will support me the whole way. I’m grateful that I had someone who believed in me and encouraged me to become who I became. I love him so much, and I’m happy he made me get an education.
If I had the choice, I’d gamble my life with him all over again.
Interested in talking about how money moves in your relationship? If yes, click here.
*Names have been changed for the sake of anonymity.
