Ever wondered what it’s called when someone acts like they’re into you, strings you along and refuses to commit? In modern dating, it’s called benching.

We spoke to five Nigerians about their experiences, from the man who used someone as his practice babe to the woman who discovered her situationship was getting married to someone else. Here’s what they said.

“I found out about her wedding on WhatsApp” — James*, 31, M

In mid-2024, a new neighbour moved into my compound. I thought she was stunning and tried to pursue a relationship with her. But she needed some time to think about it because she’d just come out of one. While I waited for her to decide, we became intimate, and she spent more time in my apartment than hers. I cooked for her, turned on my generator if she needed to work, and even installed fibre Wi-Fi because she complained that her network was weaker at my place. Everyone in our compound knew something was going on between us.

By December, she said she was travelling home to visit her parents, and I even gave her some money for transport. Then, lo and behold, I saw pictures and videos from her traditional wedding on her WhatsApp status. I was shocked. I tried to reach her for an explanation, but she never responded.

The last time I saw her was when she came with her sisters to move her belongings. I walked past without saying a word.

“I almost switched religions for my crush” — Jessica*, 29, F

I met a guy at the beach in 2022, and we had instant chemistry. He told me he really liked me but couldn’t see us dating because he was Muslim and I was Christian.  But I was willing to convert. When I told him, he seemed excited and even offered to take me through the process.

A few weeks later, before I could settle into my new decision, he’d married someone else and posted the photos everywhere. I was hurt and told him off for leading me on. But he insisted he hadn’t been leading me on and said he’d planned to take me as his second wife. I almost cursed him. Instead, I blocked him and deleted his number.

“She wanted me on standby while she searched for her spec” — Chuka*, 52, M

After my first marriage ended in my late 30s, I wasn’t in a hurry to settle down again. So when I met a woman at a friend’s birthday party in 2015, I wanted to take things slowly. We started talking regularly, and grew close over time.

After a few months, I asked if she wanted us to pursue a serious relationship. She said she liked me but wanted to be sure I was the right man for her. I thought that was reasonable. 

As the months passed, however, I noticed she was happy to enjoy the benefits of having a partner without committing to me. Whenever she needed help, I was the first person she called. But if I suggested taking things further, she’d suddenly become uncomfortable.

Eventually, she told me she’d found someone else who was a better match for her. She still wanted us to remain close because she valued our friendship, but I told her that wouldn’t work for me. I wished her well and moved on.

“She kept her boyfriend a secret from me” — Elizabeth*, 28, F

I met a beautiful girl at a sip and paint party in 2024, and we kissed before the night ended. I liked her so much that I felt as though she’d used a love potion on me.

The following week, I asked her to be my girlfriend, but she said she didn’t want us to rush things. We spoke on the phone every day, and I visited her a few times. At some point, I told my friends about her and started planning an elaborate way to ask her out again. 

All those plans flew out the window when I ran into her at a mutual friend’s party with a guy I later found out was her new boyfriend. When I confronted her, she said she liked me a lot, but she wasn’t ready to date a girl. She asked me if we could still be close, but I never responded. 

“He used our conversations as practice for his new babe” — Jolade*, 27, F

When I was in my third year at university, my crush noticed me out of the blue. One afternoon,  he offered to walk me back to my hostel after class, and over the course of a few weeks, we grew close. He’d text me and ask personal questions about what I liked in a partner and what girls really wanted in a man. Sometimes, we’d sit outside my hostel for hours just talking. 

He always seemed genuinely curious about my interests, so I assumed he liked me too. So you can imagine my surprise when he hard-launched his relationship with another girl on his social media. I felt blindsided and asked why he got so close to me if he planned to date someone else. This foolish boy told me our conversations had given him the confidence to approach the babe he really liked. I was so annoyed that I blocked his number. 

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