Sunken Ships: My Husband Got Another Woman Pregnant Because I Wouldn’t Risk My Life for a Son

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Sunken Ships is a Zikoko weekly series that explores the how and why of the end of all relationships — familial, romantic or just good old friendships.

When Bukola* (43) married Bolaji* (50), they planned to have four children. But after a difficult third pregnancy, their doctor advised them to stop. Bukola was happy with their three children, two girls and a boy. Bolaji, however, insisted on having another son, even if it meant putting her health at risk.

For this week’s Sunken Ships, she shares how his insistence turned into betrayal and where they stand seven years after their separation.

How did you and Bolaji meet?

We met in 2005 at my aunt’s shop, where I worked as a salesgirl. He came almost every day to buy snacks, and we grew close. He was funny, but he also had an air of seriousness that I liked. I eventually developed a crush on him.

Sounds cute. When did your relationship officially start?

We continued as friends for a few months. Then, one day, he came to the shop when I was alone and confessed that he had been coming every day because he was interested in me. I was so shy that I initially dismissed him, but he persisted and spent the next few weeks courting me with promises of marriage and a happy future.

He asked me out again later that year, and we became an item. We kept our relationship secret at first because I didn’t want my aunt to think I was using my job as an excuse to follow men around. He met my aunt and the rest of my family in December of 2005, and we got married in August the following year.

What were the early years of your marriage like?

They were completely different from what I’d imagined. It wasn’t a bed of roses, but we had each other. Bolaji worked as a manager at a supermarket, while I opened my own provisions shop.

When we had our first child in 2007, I was elated. It felt like I was finally getting the family I had always imagined. Then we had two more children in 2009 and 2012.

We’d originally planned to have four children, but during my last pregnancy, I developed high blood pressure. It took a toll on my health, and our doctor advised us to stop having children. By then, we already had two girls and a boy, and I was happy with the size of our family. But Bolaji’s attitude towards us changed after that.

What do you mean?

He became distant and started spending more time away from home. Our easy banter disappeared, and we stopped having sex.

I suspected he was keeping a mistress and tried to talk to him. I asked what I could do to get him to focus on our family again. To my surprise, he said he
wanted us to have another child.

I reminded him of the doctor’s warning and the risk to my health, but he insisted he’d always wanted two sons. If I couldn’t give him what he wanted, he told me to leave him alone.

Oh no. How did you react to this?

I spoke to my in-laws and some of my family members, hoping they could persuade him to change his mind. He would agree with them and promise that things were fine, but once we were back home, he’d insist that we keep trying.

A part of me wanted to make him happy and grant his desire, but I was afraid. What if I didn’t survive the pregnancy? What if we went through with it and the baby wasn’t a boy? I didn’t want to take that chance.

The more I refused, the more Bolaji spent time away from home. He eventually stopped giving me money, so I had to rely on my shop’s proceeds to cover our children’s expenses.

It wasn’t an ideal situation, but I was willing to endure it until things got better between us. And the matter dragged on over the years. Then, in 2019, my sister brought me news that changed everything.

Tell me about that.

Bolaji got someone pregnant. It was heartbreaking news. I’d done my best to be a good wife to him and tolerated so many things just to keep our home together. Yet, he still betrayed me.

I reported the matter to our family, and they called a meeting. My in-laws begged me to forgive him and accept the pregnant woman as my junior wife. But I didn’t want to be a part of a polygamous family, so I refused.

What happened after that?

I insisted that Bolaji move out of our house, and he agreed. He got a new place for himself and the other woman. But when she gave birth to a girl, it was as if he flipped a switch. He abandoned her, too.

When I heard the news, I wanted to be happy and mock her, but what was there to celebrate? It wasn’t as if Bolaji had come back to me.

Fair enough. Where do things stand between you and Bolaji now?

Our children are the only thing connecting us. I want them to have a good relationship with their father, so I make sure they see him as much as possible. I also regularly update him on their progress, but aside from that, we live separate lives now.

The only thing that has improved is that he now gives us more financial support.

Do you think there’s a chance for reconciliation?

I’m not sure. I don’t know if I can ever completely forgive him for betraying me and getting another woman pregnant. He broke our vows and our home. It’s possible that God will touch Bolaji’s heart one day and he returns to our family, but I’m not holding out hope.