Friendships can survive almost anything, but they can change as life gets busier. Work, marriage, children, relocation, and other responsibilities can make spontaneous hangouts harder to plan, while the things women need from their friendships can shift, too. Some friendships grow stronger as women find new ways to show up for each other, while others slowly fade as life pulls people in different directions. 

In this article, we spoke to 10 women about how marriage and motherhood affected their friendships, and what happened to the bonds they once thought would last forever.

1. “Her Husband Was Convinced That I Would Put Thoughts Into Her Head” — Abike*, 48

My childhood best friend and I were tight for thirty years of our lives. We did everything together, and everyone kept calling us twins, but the moment she got married, we started having issues. I don’t know if it’s because I’m unmarried, but her husband was convinced that I would put silly thoughts into her head that would make her act out, so every time I visited her, he would act cold towards me until I left. 

At first, my best friend told me not to worry about it, but as time went on, she became conflicted because our friendship was causing fights with her husband. In the end, I had to distance myself from her because she obviously couldn’t make that decision. She and I still text from time to time, but the bond is no longer there, and it genuinely makes me sad. 

2. “It Didn’t Take My Friends Long Before They Stopped Inviting Me For Anything” — Lily*, 28

I was the first in my friend group to get married, and honestly, I don’t think marriage was what changed the dynamic between us. When I didn’t have children, it was so easy to have all sorts of weekend hangouts with them without worrying, but the moment I gave birth to my twins, marriage became a full-time job for me. Yes, my husband did his best to ensure I was still hanging out with my friends, but I am the sort of mother who can’t sit still for five minutes without worrying about her babies, so I wasn’t much fun at hangouts. 

It didn’t take my friends long before they stopped inviting me to anything, and honestly, I don’t actually blame them because who would want a Debby Downer at their parties? I miss them a lot, but I can’t do anything about it, and honestly, I believe they would understand me better when they start settling down and having children. 

3. “When They Started Having Kids, They Stopped Inviting Me For Anything” — Bisi*, 38

Among my friend group, I’m the only one who decided to remain child-free even as a married woman, and that has caused friction between us. They didn’t mind when I told them that I wouldn’t be having kids, but the moment their husbands started having opinions about my life, they started having opinions too. Before I could even process anything, they started distancing themselves from me because apparently, their husbands were worried that I would influence them with my child-free life. 

When they started having kids, they stopped inviting me for anything. They even created a new WhatsApp group, and on weekends, I would check their statuses and see them all hanging out. Even though they’ve somehow cut me out of their life for years, it still hurts because these women were the sisters I never had. 

4. “We Made a Promise to Continue Prioritising Our Friendship” — Efua*, 40

Before my longtime best friend and I married our respective partners, we promised to continue prioritising our friendship so we wouldn’t grow distant, and we stood by that promise. Marriage and children have not stopped us from making plans to see each other at least twice a week. We visit each other’s houses, our husbands are tight friends because of us, and our children are each other’s best friends. 

We sometimes have a lot of friction, but it’s never because of marriage. She and I are locked in tight in this friendship, and I would never let a husband or kids come between the beautiful friendship we have built over the past decade. If we can survive being friends even with toxic, good-for-nothing boyfriends, I’m sure we will survive marriage and children. 

5. “I Had Appendicitis Surgery and She Didn’t Check Up Until a Month Later” — Etim*, 31

Before my friend got married, a part of me already knew that our friendship would not remain the same. Even when she was not married, she was the kind who would abandon you for months over a new man in her life, and she would come back after the breakup, acting like there was nothing wrong with her actions. So, when she told me she was getting married, I began to accept that she would grow distant, and I was right. 

After she got married, she started skipping hangouts and would take weeks to return my missed calls. When I had my appendicitis surgery, and I told her about it, she didn’t respond until like a month after the surgery. I guess I could say I was angry because I don’t think I would be the sort of friend who would abandon my friends the moment I get married, but at the same time, I wasn’t surprised. I don’t even know why a part of me was expecting her to be different. 

6. “Nothing Has Stopped Us From Showing Up For Each Other” — Bunmi*, 50

I’ve had a tight-knit friend group t since university days, and nothing has come between us. Even when some of us migrated to new countries, nothing changed in our friendships. We caught up through calls, Facebook, and every form of communication we had. Marriage, or even children, has not stopped us from showing up for each other whenever we like. 

I remember when I got seriously sick one time, and the ones who were still in the country with me at the time ensured to stand by me and also helped my husband with taking care of our children. The ones abroad would constantly call to check on my health, and found a way to send me care packages. 

There are times when communication feels distant, but we always do our best to bridge that distance before it turns into a big thing. I love my friendship with all of them, and I cannot wait for us to become grandmothers who still attend parties together and have each other’s backs. 

7. “I Wish to Have My Friend Group, But I Know That’s Not Possible” — Itohan*, 48

My friends and I were convinced that we would remain tight even after we got married and had kids, but unfortunately, we were wrong. Apart from the occasional group phone calls and the owambe parties, we actually don’t know what is going on in each other’s lives anymore. 

It’s sad because I’m so big on community and friendships, and not having my friends to talk to about certain things going on in my life, since everyone is occupied with work, husband, and children, is quite horrible. Before we grew distant, I did my best to bridge the gap in communication between us, but it was hardly reciprocated, so I gave up. I wish to have my friend group back, but I know that’s not possible anymore. 

8. “We Knew He Would Tell Her to Stay Away From Us” — Nicole*, 29

When my friend, Ola*, introduced a pastor to us as her boyfriend, we all immediately knew that there was no way she would be friends with us again. We’ve always been the kind of friend group that was really social. We went to every event under the sun because we’ve always believed that a woman’s 20s are the right time for us to have fun. So, when Ola told us she was getting married to a pastor, we just knew that he would be the kind of husband who would tell his wife to stay away from her friends, and we were right. 

It wasn’t even six months after her marriage that she started saying no to our weekly hangouts. At first, we tried to understand that she had just got married and was acclimating to a new dynamic, but two years have passed since then, and we have barely seen her despite repeatedly inviting her. We have actually given up, to be honest. 

9. “I Would Always Find Time For My Girls” — Amara*, 30

When I got married, my friends were all concerned that I might drift away from them because another friend of ours did after she got married, but I pride myself on my friendships. The laughter and lessons I’ve gotten from my friends, I’ll never get from my husband, and he is aware and respectful of that. 

My friendship has not crumbled since I became a married woman. In fact, it has only gotten stronger because I always have a reason to call my friends these days. If it’s to tease them about how marriage is sweet or just rant about something someone from my husband’s family did, there’s always one reason to text them. They’re my backbone, and it would be so silly of me to drop the women who have been in my life for years because of marriage. I don’t care how busy I would get later in the future, but I would always find time for my girls. Always. 

10. “After My Marriage, I Sort of Isolated Myself From Most of My Friends” — Folu*, 60

When I got married, I remember my mum telling me that the first thing I needed to do was cut out my single friends because they’re always the ones with the worst advice, and unfortunately, I decided to believe her because I didn’t want to spoil my marriage. It’s now that I’m regretting that decision. 

After my marriage, I sort of isolated myself from most of my friends and only connected with the ones who were married like me, and it cost me community. All of us are grown now, and when they see me at events, they sort of ignore me because that was what I did when I got married. 

I’m at the age where I need more friends in my life, but I don’t have many because I chose to listen to my mother. And honestly, if I could go back in time, I wouldn’t have listened because friendships are really important to women. 

Next Read: What She Said: I Gave Up My Engineering Career and Re-Entered Pageantry at 30