Sunken Ships is a Zikoko weekly series that explores the how and why of the end of all relationships — familial, romantic or just good old friendships. 

Dorcas* (52) met Sandra* (45) at church in 2011. Over the next three years, they became close, with Dorcas treating Sandra like a younger sister. But when Dorcas shared a business idea with her, Sandra discouraged her from pursuing it, then secretly executed the same idea.

For Sunken Ships, Dorcas shares how the betrayal ended their friendship and why Sandra’s apology years later wasn’t enough to rebuild their friendship.

Take me back to the beginning. How did you become friends with Sandra?

We met at church in 2011. She was a newcomer, and she sat beside me. At the end of the service, we greeted each other and got talking. I immediately liked her because she had a bubbly personality. We kept sitting together at church, and within a few months, we grew close.

She’d also just moved to Ibadan for a new job and was still settling in. I was happy to become one of her new friends.

What were the early days of your friendship like?

They were great. Sandra would come to my house after work so we could go to church together. She always had interesting stories, too. 

Whether it was about a co-worker or something she’d overheard about a fellow church member, she always had gist to share. I was a stay-at-home mum at the time, so Sandra and her gist made things less boring.

We also didn’t have an issue with our age difference. I saw her as a younger sister, and eventually, she became my closest friend in the city. There was nothing we didn’t share.

That sounds great. So at what point did things change?

Around 2014.  I decided to start a small tailoring business to keep busy. I shared my plans with Sandra because I trusted her.

I didn’t know how to sew, so my plan was to hire apprentices who had just finished learning and pay them salaries while I brought in the customers. I wanted to start by pitching to my church and offering to help sew robes for the choir members. 

Sandra discouraged me. She said it would be difficult to get customers consistently and might look strange to bring business into the church. She told me to consider other ideas, and I agreed.

A few weeks later, Sandra called to say she wouldn’t make the mid-week service. It was unlike her, but I didn’t think much of it. Then Sunday came, and I got the shock of my life.

What happened?

Sandra didn’t sit beside me as usual, so I almost thought she hadn’t come to church. Then the service started, and I noticed the entire choir was wearing matching robes.

I planned to tell Sandra how strange it was that someone else had come up with the same idea I had. But when I found her after the service, she was curt instead of her usual warm self. I asked if something was wrong, but she said she was fine and needed to rush home.

Oh.

I decided to put it out of my mind and call her later. 

Seeing the choir’s robes had also reignited my interest in starting a business. After Sandra left, I went to the pastor on a whim and asked if I could start selling Zobo at the church after services. He was delighted and said he was happy that, like Sandra, I was also thinking about starting a business the church could patronise.

I had to conceal my shock. Sandra hadn’t mentioned anything about a business, but our pastor’s comment made me suspicious.

How did you confirm your suspicions?

I asked the head of the choir department. By then, people at church knew Sandra and I were friends, so he assumed I already knew she had supplied the robes. He was surprised that I was asking.

I felt hurt and betrayed. I wasn’t the first one to come up with the idea, but I would have preferred Sandra to tell me she wanted to partner with me rather than take the idea for herself. 

Read Also: Sunken Ships: My Best Friend Moved Abroad. I Was The Last To Know

Did you speak to her about it?

Several times. I called her and sent messages on WhatsApp and Facebook, but she ignored them all. She also started avoiding me in church. 

People started gossiping when they noticed we no longer sat together during services. That was embarrassing, but losing someone I considered a younger sister without even getting an explanation hurt more.

I eventually told my husband about what happened. He agreed that cutting me off without a conversation was unfair. 

She stopped coming to our church shortly after that,  and since she had ignored all my messages, I didn’t reach out again.

Did she ever reach out to you after that?

Yes, in 2017. She sent me a birthday message and then begged for forgiveness for what happened between us. She said she’d gone somewhere to pray, and they told her that someone she’d offended was blocking her from meeting her husband.

I told her I wasn’t blocking anything and I had left her to God and her conscience. By then, I had started the zobo business and even moved on to a provisions shop, so I wasn’t thinking about the tailoring business anymore. 

She still wanted to apologise in person and offered to visit, but I declined. I told her I was no longer angry with her.

Since then, she’s sent check-in messages now and then. She invited me to her wedding in 2018, but I didn’t go. I didn’t trust her enough to let her back into my life.

Has this experience affected your other friendships?

No.  I have healthy friendships that have lasted longer than the one I had with Sandra. They just don’t live in my city, so we don’t see each other often. I’m more careful with friendships with younger people now. I try not to overstep my boundaries and leave room for disrespect.

Do you think you could fix your relationship with Sandra?

No, I don’t like dubious people. That ship has sailed.

Hey, if you’d like to share your own #SunkenShips story with Zikoko, fill out this form!