On the Streets is a Zikoko weekly series about the chaos of modern dating: from situationships and endless talking stages, to heartbreak and everything it means to be single in today’s world.
After a failed first marriage, Ibrahim* (40) gave in to family pressure and reluctantly tried again with his second wife. But when he eventually found true love, it was with another woman.
In this episode of On the Streets, he shares what went wrong in his marriages and the heartbreaks that reshaped his definition of love.
What’s your current relationship status, and how do you feel about it?
I’m currently separated from my wife after a series of bad relationships. I never expected to be single at this stage of my life, but life doesn’t always go as planned.
How did you get to this point? Walk me through your dating history.
My first serious relationship was also my first marriage. I met Aisha* during my NYSC service while staying with a mutual family friend. I was already living there when she arrived to begin her service.
I helped her settle in, and we spent a lot of time together. She was very pretty and gentle, and I was drawn to that. We used to talk for hours, and we grew close over time.
At first, I saw her as a sister. But I soon realised the protective feelings I had for her weren’t entirely platonic. I was in love with her.
I hesitated to tell her how I felt for months because I didn’t want to make things awkward. When I did, she didn’t reject me, but she was hesitant about how the people we lived with might perceive our relationship.
She eventually returned home after she completed her service year. That’s when she acknowledged her feelings, and we officially started dating. In our religion, marriage was the natural next step, so we started working towards it.
What was the relationship like once you started dating?
It was good at first. But as I got to know her better, I noticed some character traits I shouldn’t have ignored.
She had a strong need for things to be her way. If I did something she didn’t like, she’d withdraw and refuse to engage with me. But I ignored this trait, among other things that I’d noticed.
We got married in 2015. I was just starting my career at the bank where I’d served, while she was trying to find a job.
For a while, things were stable between us, and her unemployment wasn’t much of an issue. But she got restless and wanted to pursue a master’s degree abroad. At first, I wasn’t fully supportive.
We were newly married, and I felt we should focus on building our home.
But she was insistent and refused to see things from my perspective. I eventually had to withdraw some of the money I’d saved up for business to fund her relocation.
She left for the US in July 2016, just a year and four months after we got married.
How did the distance affect your marriage?
We talked often, but she constantly complained about her life there. I’d already given her almost everything I had to help her travel, so there wasn’t much more I could do financially.
Even though we tried to keep up, the distance and our schedules made communication difficult. I was six hours ahead, so we’d often miss our call times. Whenever I reached her, her emails and texts went unanswered, even though she communicated with her parents.
About eight months in, I realised that the marriage was falling apart. I initially tried to keep our problems private, but I eventually asked her father to intervene. He spoke to her, and things improved briefly before she returned to the same pattern.
At some point, I barely knew what was happening in her life. I counted down the months until she finished her programme, hoping things would get better when she came home.
Then, during the final lap of her programme, she told me she wanted to have a serious conversation.
Oh
She said she didn’t want to return to Nigeria because she no longer believed our marriage was the right decision. She felt we’d grown apart and didn’t think things would improve, even if I joined her abroad.
She was apologetic and cried, but she also seemed hellbent on her decision. I involved both our families, but that didn’t solve anything. The process dragged on for months until I accepted that the marriage was over in 2019.
I was devastated. I felt used and very bitter because I’d sacrificed so much for her. But by then, our issues had exhausted me so much that I was no longer attached to her in the same way.
I’m sorry. What was life like after that chapter ended?
I wanted to be alone most of the time. My job was demanding, and I poured myself into it. I barely entertained the idea of dating again because I was still scarred from my previous experience.
As the years rolled by, my parents pressured me into considering marriage again. They eventually set me up with Mariam*, a family friend.
Tell me about Mariam
She came from a respected family in our community, so I knew her from a distance. She worked at a pharmacy in the same city and would visit me.
At first, I wasn’t interested, but my family liked her. Unlike Aisha, she was selfless and understanding. Eventually, I gave in to the pressure. I didn’t fall head over heels for her, but I liked her enough to get married in 2021.
Right. Were things different this time around?
In a way. I was happy because everyone else was happy. In my culture, marriage is a blessing, and I felt I’d done what was expected of me. But we struggled to connect on many levels.
She quit her job after our wedding to become a housewife. She also wanted a large family. I encouraged her to start a business or at least get a university degree, but she wasn’t interested.
Our relationship also lacked the emotional connection I’d always wanted. We didn’t really talk about our days or share much beyond the practicalities of life. Even our sex life felt mechanical. I didn’t feel excited about coming home to her.
A few years into our marriage, she also became more involved in spiritual practices I wasn’t comfortable with. I’d find unfamiliar balms and soaps around the house, and she’d say they were for good luck or protection.
Around 2024, I started frequenting a restaurant near my workplace during my breaks. I noticed a woman there a couple of times. I eventually approached her and learnt her name was Salma*.
Right. Did you pursue a relationship with her?
Yes. It was platonic at first, until it became more. I really enjoyed her presence, and she was constantly on my mind.
Over time, I started considering a future with her. I felt we balanced each other in ways Mariam and I didn’t.
Did she know you were married?
I told her very early on that I was married, and we took time to discuss what that would mean for us. After dating for a few months, I proposed to her in January 2025.
The difficult part was telling Mariam. I went with my uncle and explained that I wanted to marry Salma. Surprisingly, Mariam laughed it off and said she knew it would eventually come to this. She seemed receptive, which was a relief because I was worried about creating more problems within the family.
Salma and I set the wedding date for August 2025, but soon after, things took a turn for the worse.
What happened?
I discovered she was talking to another man. I considered it cheating and asked her to cut him off. We argued about it, and she eventually agreed.
While we were still trying to move past that, Salma suddenly became ill. Her legs became swollen, and she sometimes struggled to walk. She was frequently unwell and seemed unlike herself.
Then her family started experiencing a series of misfortunes. Salma believed Mariam was responsible. She said they’d sought spiritual help and had been told that Mariam was behind their problems.
At first, I dismissed it. I didn’t believe Mariam was capable, especially because she’d accepted my decision to marry again. But Salma became convinced that marrying me would bring more problems to her and her family.
A few weeks before the wedding, she told me she no longer wanted to become my second wife and ended the relationship.
How did you deal with the breakup?
It was painful. There was nothing I could do to change her mind, and I struggled to understand how everything had fallen apart so quickly.
Given everything that had happened, I also began suspecting Mariam was responsible. The breakup with Salma further deteriorated my marriage to Mariam. We fought more often, and grew more weary of her spiritual practices. I didn’t want them in my home and started worrying about my safety around her.
Through all this, she started pushing for another child. We weren’t even intimate anymore, and I’d already decided that I didn’t want more than three children.
She eventually moved back to her father’s house when she realised I wasn’t doing her bidding. She said she was unhappy with how I treated her. We’ve been separated since last December.
So, how have these experiences shaped your idea of love and relationships?
I’ve learnt that love is an important part of marriage, and it’s not a feeling you can force. I spent a long time thinking I would eventually fall in love with Mariam because I wanted to make the marriage work. But it never happened.
I’ve also learnt not to let family pressure push me into decisions I don’t want to make. If I’d listened to myself, I wouldn’t have married Mariam in the first place.
Finally, how are the streets treating you these days? Rate it on a scale of 1 to 10.
8/10. I like the peace I’m experiencing now. Last year, my marriage to Mariam was a very difficult phase of my life, so I appreciate the distance we have now. I thought I’d regret the separation, but I don’t miss being married.
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