On the Streets is a Zikoko weekly series about the chaos of modern dating: from situationships and endless talking stages to heartbreak and everything it means to be single in today’s world.
Elizabeth* (29) has always wanted marriage and a family of her own. But two difficult relationships have made that journey more complicated than she expected. After walking away from a long-term relationship and later calling off a wedding just weeks before the big day, she’s starting over while still holding on to the hope of finding love.
In this episode of On the Streets, she shares how the desire to settle down almost pushed her into a bad marriage.
What’s your current relationship status and how do you feel about it?
I’m single and searching. I’ve had some difficult experiences that made me extra cautious. But I hope to find a compatible partner and get married before I turn 31.
How did you get to this point? Walk me through your dating history
My first serious relationship was in 2019, when I was in my third year at university. Mike* approached me while we were both shopping at the school market. Before we parted ways, he paid for what I was buying and collected my number.
A few weeks into our friendship, he asked me out. I wasn’t interested in casual dating, so I told him from the beginning that I wanted a relationship with marriage in view. He agreed.
What was the relationship like?
It was okay; mostly because I overlooked a lot of his shortcomings. He was very secretive and didn’t see the need to involve me as his girlfriend. I often had to rely on social media to find out things about his personal life, including details about his family. He rarely opened up, so the only people in his life I really knew were his friends.
And I didn’t like them. They made it clear that they preferred his ex to me. He would sometimes speak to me disrespectfully in front of them, too. But I tolerated it all because I assumed these things were just part of dating.
Hmm
Things became harder to ignore after we graduated in 2021. I asked Mike his plans for the relationship, expecting him to bring up marriage. Instead, he said his views had changed. He no longer believed in marriage and wanted to focus on making money. He suggested that, in a few years, we could move in together without getting married.
He claimed his older brother’s traumatic divorce had changed the way he saw marriage. But I couldn’t accept that. He knew my history. My parents separated when I was younger after my mum discovered that my dad had another family. She refused to divorce him, so he abandoned us. Growing up in a dysfunctional home made me want a normal family of my own. So when Mike said he didn’t want marriage, I knew we couldn’t continue.
His decision led to our breakup, but I couldn’t cope with it. We were apart for less than four days before I suggested that we find a compromise and get back together.
So did he eventually change his stance on marriage?
I hoped that with time I could make him see things from my point of view, but his behaviour only got worse. He grew distant and nonchalant. Sometimes, he’d ghost me for weeks. Whenever I complained, he’d flare up and act as though I was irritating him.
Eventually, I found out he was seeing another woman. When I confronted him, he said this was part of why he didn’t want marriage. He claimed he didn’t like commitment to one person.
Wait. What?
What made it worse was that he expected me to remain committed to him while he was free to see other people.
I wasn’t going to accept that. That was when I walked away for good. He seemed completely unaffected by my decision.
How did you move on from that heartbreak?
It wasn’t easy. We’d been together for more than two years. I’d always imagined I would be married by 25. But I had to start from scratch at 26.
Things were also difficult financially. After school, my mum expected me to contribute to the family. I landed a teaching job at a church member’s school, but the salary was barely enough. B I didn’t even have the time to meet new people.
But that changed when Joshua* moved into our compound.
Tell me about Joshua. How did you two get close?
He moved into an apartment on the upper floor of our house in early 2024. At first, we barely interacted beyond pleasantries. Then, a few months later, he complimented my outfit and asked for my number.
I didn’t have many friends at the time, so I enjoyed having someone to talk to. He was a good listener, and I gradually opened up to him. One day, I went to his place and, despite not planning for it to happen, we hooked up.
He wasn’t someone I would normally have considered dating. He mostly smoked and partied, and I wasn’t sure what he was doing with his life. Still, we started dating.
What made you take him seriously despite your reservations?
He was persistent, and eventually I thought, Why not? I’d been single for a while, so I decided to give it a chance.
I also became less worried about his finances after I learnt that his parents, who lived in the UK, supported him financially. He was very friendly and extended his generosity to my family, too. We never had to ask him for things. He’d simply give us what we needed, and that made my mum warm up to him.
Over time, I became more comfortable dating him, especially because my mum encouraged the relationship.
I see. Was this relationship better than your first?
In many ways, yes. He was an open book, unlike Mike. As soon as we became official, he introduced me to his parents. We’d speak to them on video calls and they approved of our union. Still, he had his imperfect sides. He had bad mood swings when he got high and became aggressive. At first, it was mostly shouting. My mum would tell me that I needed to understand that it was his temperament.
Then, in our third month together, he slapped me during an argument and pushed me out of his apartment.
What? Did you try to leave?
I took it in stride. He was very apologetic afterwards and blamed it on the drugs. He also told me that he needed me and that I was one of the only good things in his life. That got to me.
I started believing that if I could help him stop using drugs, he’d become a better person. I felt I owed him a duty of care, and he promised to change.
Did he actually improve after that?
There was some progress. He curtailed his smoking, started going to church and even proposed on my birthday in March 2025 to show his seriousness.
I said yes, even though I had doubts about marrying him. I’d caught him using drugs and smoking again, and he wasn’t interested in holding down a job.
I shared my concerns with my mum, but she convinced me that no relationship was perfect and encouraged me to go along with it. I also felt guilty because of how much he’d done for my family. I felt like I owed it to him to help him overcome his addiction and stand by him. And that was exactly what I did for a while.
But my doubts returned when I signed us up for premarital counselling at my church.
Did something happen?
He was so uncooperative that the church expressed concern about his behaviour. He sometimes showed up high, was rude or outrightly refused to answer some of their questions. I’d leave the sessions embarrassed.
We only went three times before the church told us they couldn’t go ahead with the counselling. They advised me not to marry him unless he was willing to change. I tried to get him to participate in some of the programmes they recommended, but he wasn’t interested.
My mum, as usual, defended him. She blamed the church for being too strict and insisted they were being too picky about the relationship.
Curious. What made you stick around despite his behaviour?
I actually started rethinking my decision to stay. But for reasons I don’t know, I believed things could work. So I gave him an ultimatum to get a job if we were going to proceed with marriage.
He agreed, and we eventually spoke to his parents about setting up a furniture business using his friend’s warehouse in Abeokuta. In July, Joshua moved to Abeokuta to get the business started.
At first, we spoke regularly but his calls became inconsistent. He also stopped giving me updates about the business, which made me worry that he was slipping back into his old habits.
Eventually, my mum pressured me to move to Abeokuta to help him settle in. I quit my job in September and moved there. We were still planning to get married in December.
What happened after you moved in with him?
Living with Joshua made me realise that I couldn’t marry him. During the three months we’d spent apart, he had fully relapsed into drug use and become more violent. We argued almost every day, and during one argument, he pushed me so hard that I hit my back against the wall and was in a lot of pain.
His business wasn’t doing well either. He had wasted most of the capital his parents sent instead of stocking the store.
But what really opened my eyes was when he went out, got into a fight and stabbed someone in the arm. He was arrested, and I had to start running around trying to get him out.
I didn’t have the money for his bail, so I called his parents. They initially refused to help because they were upset about the state of the business and wanted him to face the consequences. He spent two days in custody before his mother eventually sent the money.
That frightened me. I started wondering what would happen if his parents abandoned him. His behaviour was becoming more erratic, and I couldn’t imagine bringing children into that kind of situation.
Where was your mum in all of this?
She still believed I should stay and help him turn his life around. That was when I realised she cared more about the help she was getting from Joshua than what I was going through. I felt helpless. I’d already quit my job and moved to an unfamiliar state, and I didn’t know what to do next.
The situation was eating me up until I finally opened up to one of my cousins in November. She advised against the marriage and offered to let me stay with her in Lagos.
On 14th November 2025, I left Abeokuta without telling Joshua or my mum.
What happened after you left?
At first, I planned to return after a few days. But the longer I stayed away, the more certain I became that I was done with the relationship. I had even fallen out of love with Joshua.
When I eventually called off the wedding, everyone was angry and tried to convince me to change my mind. I didn’t budge. I also refused to go back home to resolve things.
Leaving him meant losing more than the relationship. It also fractured my relationship with my mum. It hurts that she turned a blind eye to his mistreatment and focused instead on how much I had disappointed everyone by calling off the wedding so close to the date. She’s still bitter about how I ended the relationship and often brings it up.
We don’t speak as often anymore because she also makes me feel guilty about not being able to help financially. I only got my first job in April, and I’m still trying to find my footing. After everything that happened, I don’t think our relationship will ever be the same.
How have these experiences shaped the way you see love and relationships?
I’ve learnt not to rush into relationships. Joshua and I had barely known each other for a year when we started planning a wedding. Looking back, things moved so quickly because his family believed settling down would make him more responsible.
Their plan was for me to get swept up and not have enough time to think until it was too late.
Finally, how are the streets treating you these days? Rate it on a scale of 1 to 10
5/10. My experience hasn’t made me give up on love or wanting a family. But I’m more careful now. I don’t want to repeat my parents’ history and end up in an unhappy marriage.
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