In the sixth episode of Zikoko’s 100 Nigerians: Anatomy of a Marriage, we asked married Nigerians how intimacy has changed over the course of their marriages.
From couples enjoying the best sex of their lives to those navigating mismatched libidos, ageing and health challenges, these stories reveal the many ways married Nigerians sustain intimacy through different seasons of life.
“My husband’s size has prevented sex”— Anita*, 30
My husband and I have been married for two years, and we’ve still never had penetrative sex. We did everything else while dating, but every attempt after marriage was unbearably painful. We tried different positions, lubricants and exercises, but nothing worked. It took a toll on us because, even though we found other ways to be intimate, it still felt like something was missing. This year, my husband convinced me to see a doctor. He insisted the issue wasn’t his size because it wasn’t an issue in his previous relationships. I was diagnosed with vaginismus earlier this year and now use dilators, but penetration still hasn’t happened. Sometimes I wonder if I should let him sleep with someone else, though I’ve never voiced it out.
“We have sex at least five times a week” — Ibidun*, 33
One of my favourite things about my husband is our sex life. I’m plus-sized, and past relationships made me feel like my body was something to tolerate. My husband is the complete opposite. He absolutely adores me, and I’ve never once questioned whether he finds me attractive. We’ve been married for three years, and we still have sex at least five times a week, sometimes more than once a day. It also never feels repetitive because we’re always trying something different. Beyond the sex itself, I love that he makes me feel desired. I spent years feeling self-conscious about my body. With him, I simply feel beautiful.
“My wife never makes the first move” — Tobi*, 38
I genuinely love my wife, but I’ve never really enjoyed our sex life. She hardly ever initiates, doesn’t like giving or receiving oral sex, and isn’t interested in experimenting. She also takes a long time to get in the mood, and most times, she’s simply not interested. It was manageable when we were dating and during the first few years of marriage, but things changed after we had children. I’ve brought it up so many times that I’ve honestly stopped trying. I’ve never cheated, and I don’t plan to, but I’d be lying if I said I had a fulfilling sex life. That’s the reality of my marriage.
“It’s not like the earlier days, but we’re still active”— Jumobi* 57
My husband and I have actually been enjoying sex more lately after we enrolled in an intimacy programme at church. It’s definitely not the same as when we were younger. Our bodies have changed, and there are moments that feel awkward or even a little embarrassing. But we’ve learnt not to put ourselves under pressure. If we both feel like it, we go for it. If we don’t, that’s fine too. One thing we’ve never stopped doing is showering together. Sometimes that’s all that happens, but it’s become our little ritual. We tease each other, laugh, talk and enjoy being close. At this stage of our marriage, intimacy is more about staying connected.
“We’ve replaced intimacy with companionship” — Ajara*, 58
My husband and I have been married for 24 years, and we barely have sex anymore. It’s not because we don’t love each other. If anything, we’re probably closer now than we’ve ever been. We still hug, kiss and genuinely enjoy each other’s company. I just think I’ve outgrown that part of marriage. My husband still tries to initiate sometimes, but my body doesn’t respond the way it used to. I no longer crave sex, and I’ve made peace with that. I think intimacy is something we enjoyed best when we were much younger. These days, companionship means much more to me.
“My wife thinks sex isn’t important” — Ahmed*, 39
Sex with my wife always feels like a struggle. Almost every time I initiate, she’s too tired or not in the mood. After years of hearing the same response, I jokingly told her maybe I should satisfy myself elsewhere. She didn’t even react. That hurt more than I expected because it made me feel like the intimate part of our marriage didn’t matter to her at all. She always says there are more important things to worry about than sex. I’ve never cheated and don’t intend to, but I’ve resorted to masturbating while married. I honestly never imagined my marriage would look like this.
“We started enjoying sex in our third year” — Zinat*, 33
The first few years of my marriage were painful because my husband is quite big, and I always struggled with dryness. I tried everything people recommended, from changing my diet to using different kayamata products, but nothing worked. Everyone kept telling me the only way my body would adjust was to keep trying, so I endured it. Every time we had sex felt like torture, even though my husband was always concerned and asked if we should stop. I kept telling him to continue. Things finally improved around our third year of marriage after we had our child. I still feel some pressure at first, but my body has become much more accepting of his size.
“My wife matches my libido” — Habeeb*, 35
I genuinely don’t relate when married men complain about being sexually starved. My wife and I have been married for six years, and our sex life has been beautiful from the start. She hardly ever turns me down. In fact, I can count the number of times she’s rejected my advances. It didn’t happen by accident either. When I was dating, I knew libido compatibility mattered to me, so I was intentional about marrying someone who matched my energy. Six years later, nothing has changed. We still enjoy each other, and intimacy has never felt like a point of conflict in our marriage.
“Sex is the last thing on my mind” — Tolu*, 33
We’re currently in a dry spell, and honestly, it’s because of me. Since having our baby, I just haven’t felt like myself. I’m insecure about how my body looks now, and the thought of sex makes me feel uncomfortable. My husband has been incredibly patient through it all. I’ve caught him masturbating a few times, and for a second, I wanted to be upset. But then I realised I can’t expect him to completely shut that part of himself down when I’m the one pulling away. As long as he’s not stepping outside the marriage, I understand. I just hope I find that spark again because right now, I’m focused on healing and feeling like myself again.
“Our health has made sex a struggle” — Rasheedat*, 52
My husband and I have managed high blood pressure for years, and it’s changed our sex life completely. When we first got married, he never let me rest. Even after his diagnosis, he still had a healthy libido. But age, medication and eventually a stroke have taken their toll. There are times we go six months without even thinking about sex. At first, it was difficult because I kept hoping things would improve. Now, I’ve accepted that this phase of our marriage is over. We still care deeply for each other, but we’ve found other ways to express love beyond physical intimacy.
“I love oral sex, but my husband doesn’t” — Grace*, 29
I’d say my husband and I have a decent sex life. The only thing I really miss is oral sex. I enjoy receiving it, and it used to be the quickest way for me to orgasm. My husband has tried, but I could tell he genuinely doesn’t enjoy it. Even though he never complained, I’d notice him going straight to the bathroom afterwards to rinse his mouth. I realised it wasn’t fair to keep expecting something that made him uncomfortable, so I stopped asking. It’s all about compromise. There are things he enjoys that I don’t too. For example, he likes using his fingers, and I absolutely don’t. He’s respected that boundary, and we’ve both learnt other ways to make sure we enjoy intimacy together.
“We’re still using condom”— Ibrahim*, 40
One thing I looked forward to before marriage was never having to use condoms again. Ironically, that’s exactly where we are after three children. My wife tried different birth control methods, but they just didn’t agree with her body. One made her gain weight, another affected her periods. It was always one side effect or another. We eventually agreed that condoms were the safest option until we found something that worked. Neither of us enjoys sex with protection, but we’ve accepted it. In fact, these days, I’m usually the one insisting we use one. We tried the withdrawal method a few times, and that’s how our third child arrived.
“Sex is no longer a priority for us”— Tawa*, 60
My husband has been bedridden for about three years now, so sex is no longer part of our marriage. Truthfully, I don’t even think about it anymore. I believe every season of marriage comes with its own priorities. Even before he became ill, my libido had already dropped significantly. He used to complain about it so much that he once mentioned it to our children. But since he fell sick, intimacy isn’t something either of us thinks about anymore. Instead, we’ve found different ways to love each other through care, companionship and simply being present. I think many marriages eventually reach a stage where intimacy looks very different from what it did in the beginning.
“Sex now feels like an item off a checklist” — Demola*, 44
I’ve been married for 10 years, and sex has become more scheduled than spontaneous. At the beginning of our marriage, it happened all the time. Now, we’re lucky if it’s once or twice a month, and I’m almost always the one initiating. My wife just doesn’t seem interested anymore. Since she became more involved in church, there’s always something. She’s fasting, on a prayer programme or avoiding what she calls impurity. We used to argue about it, but I eventually got tired. These days, when we do have sex, it feels less like something we both want and more like we’re ticking another item off the marriage checklist.
*Names have been changed to protect the identity of the subjects.
